The Four Horsemen
John Gottman, famed marriage researcher in Seattle, has said that he can predict, with a 94% accuracy rate, if a couple will divorce or not just by observing 15 minutes of their behaviors towards each other. From his research lab, he’s distilled his observations down to 4 key relational components that will destroy a relationship. These are the Four Horsemen. If he detects these issues in a relationship, his research suggests that left unaddressed, the relationship will fail.
1. Criticism. A Focus on a specific behavior(s) that intends to blame and/or assassinate (defame) your spouses character.
2. Contempt. Shows disgust with the other by way of sarcasm, cynicism, name calling, eye rolling, mocking, and or hostile humor. This is the most damaging of the four.
3. Defensiveness. A posture of blaming your spouse/partner. Deflecting responsibility or ownership and pointing a finger at the other; “it’s not me, it’s you.”
4. Stonewalling. Happens by tuning out or ignoring the other. Looking away, down, or off into space, thus removing yourself and presence from the room or conversation. This is a passive-aggressive approach to conflict.
Which of these do you use the most? What do you need to do to stop this behavior and communicate in a productive and constructive manner?
Sports, Passion, and Remembering
Over the past couple of years, my oldest has developed an addiction of sorts to watching college football. I no doubt am to blame for this, and while I feel there is some some negative outcomes of this addiction (as is the case with any addiction), it’s been a true joy to snuggle up next to my little man and watch football together. Often times my wife will comment that God is smiling on me and shows this by giving me a son who enjoys football as much as I do.
Sometimes while we’re watching, I’ll wonder how to take the passion he and I have for football and create something with it. I’m a big fan of creating as an expression of worship, and watching football does not lend itself towards creativity. It’s a consumer driving sport where men and women sit on their couches for hours at a time living vicariously through the players on the television. But I cannot escape that college football is a passion of mine, and now it has become so for my son as well. For this, I’m grateful. We have some great times together celebrating victories, and learning how to handle defeat. No doubt you’re very familiar with the glory of a victory and the agony of defeat, not limited to but especially if you’re a sports fan.
What I’m learning is that kids have an amazing capacity for absorbing the actions, affects, emotions, and beliefs from their parents. This might not be a new concept, but in the passion filled living room during a football game, there might not be a better opportunity for me to exemplify responsibility in my craze towards the sports. Get excited, go nuts, scream, shout, hug, and jump for joy when your team is down 5 and blocks a punt with less than a minute remaining in the game. And when your team throws an interception on the ensuring drive to end the game, and comeback, grieve the loss; be sad. But remember. Remember that little eyes are watching your every move. Watching how you throw your hat across the room, how you emotionally shut down, become numb and lose sight of what’s in front or around you. Remember that the sun will rise tomorrow and while this is a disappointing way to end, it’s not the end.
Our kids need us to teach them basic skills for life, be it how to change the oil in a car or change a flat tire, but what our kids need most from us dads is for us to remember them. To remember they are watching, learning, and waiting for us to show them how to respond. And in all of that, there is freedom to not get it right. Freedom to become so caught up in the moment(s) that you do forget. Because the reality is that it’s not about what you’ve done, but what you’ll do next.
Where Do You Go?
Where do you go when life shows it’s jagged edges, and impossible scenarios? Often times in the face of pain or fear, we look for the easy button. You know, the button that Staples has made famous. Just press that button and all the problems of life will fade away. Perhaps that button for you is alcohol, pornography, an unhealthy relationship, or isolation.
M. Scott Peck, in his best selling book The Road Less Traveled, outlines the core problem that all of humanity faces: “Life is difficult.” A simple phrase containing three words sums up life pretty well, but wreak havoc on countless people on a daily basis. While life will always be difficult, it doesn’t have to be unbearable.
We want an escape, a place to go when it seems that all hell is breaking loose in our lives. We want to go back to where life felt peaceful, serene, and calm. The problem is that when we escape to find this ‘better place’ we refuse to face the realities of life. And when we run from our problems, our fears and anxieties grow stronger and stronger which leads to more coping and medicating. The spiral gets darker and darker, until the bottom falls out.
The most difficult, but most promising, path from the difficulties in life is the path directly into the pain and fear. Most of the time, this feels counter-intuitive. We’re afraid of things, people, and situations for a reason, that’s why we run and medicate from them.
Remember Frodo from Lord of the Rings? No amount of man made strength could destroy the one ring. There was no place that they could hide the ring. Frodo and his companions had to take the ring back to where it was birthed … and to get there his journey was perilous.
For you and I, our journey is sometimes perilous. We have to walk the road back into our story, to relive, re-experience, and reenter some dark places. The road to freedom is through the valleys, deserts, and the very shadows of death. Like Frodo, we cannot go at it alone.
First and foremost; Hurt people, hurt people. You might have to say this aloud a couple of times to get the meaning, but those who are hurting will often hurt others. You have to deal with your own hurt before you can help others.
Secondly, you cannot change for others. Often times participants of our groups will only be there because a significant person in their life asked them to attend. While this is a good first step, inevitably this ends with disappointment because we cannot live others’ lives. We must value ourselves, our goodness, enough to make the change not only for the benefit of others but for our own benefit. Sometimes, this can be the hardest to address because most of us do not have a history of being valued and loved.
Thirdly, spend some time reconsidering what the golden rule really means. Treat others as you would treat yourself is quite possibly the only relational advice that any of us would ever need. The problem with this advice is that often times if we treated others the way we truly treat ourselves, we’d be without completely alone. Do you heap an abundance of condoning insults at your friends or family members when they mess up or do something that was ‘stupid’? Likely your answer is no. But when you mess up, you probably treat yourself in no similar fashion that you do with your friends.
Lastly, do not go about your journey alone. As the great philosopher Plato once said, “be kind, for everyone you meet is fighting a hard battle.” We are all wrestling, fighting, and struggling, and we don’t need to go about it alone.
New beginnings are here today, will you grab hold?
There are a number of ways that our body and our souls tell us that something is awry and that we’re in need of some help. Too often these symptoms are ignored or passed off as a ‘bad week.’ This is not a comprehensive list, but a few symptoms that are pretty common.
- Little “d” depression. Something akin to a low-grade fever, little ‘d’ depression is the kind that flattens your moods, keeps your emotions hidden (perhaps more so than they already are), and creates a leaning towards wanting to “get away”.
- Apathetic towards relationships, work, or life in general. Often when apathy is playing out, we’re feeling isolated or alone in our day-to-day lives. Apathy plays out in various ways, but can often be seen in a tendency towards ‘checking-out.’
- Not getting enough sleep. Studies have shown that the body needs an average of 7-8 hours of sleep per night to recharge and rest. If you’re getting at least that, or more/not enough, and still find yourself tired, chances are that you’re emotionally not well.
- Consuming more than creating. Our culture is built around consuming, which creates a veracious need for more consumption. When we are not engaged in the creation of things, ideas, relationships, or new plans/paths, we are likely on the other side consuming. Food, news, reality tv, sex, drugs or alcohol, relationships, and work are all ways that we can consume easily on a daily basis. It’s much more difficult to create than consume.
- Empathic emptiness with close relationships. This can be in marriage, friendships, family, or at work. When we are without empathy for others, it’s a big flashing neon sign that our soul is in need.
If any of these fit you, it might be time to unplug and practice some self care.
Wall-E Today
The world depicted in the movie Wall-E is quickly becoming a reality for us. Amidst towering issues of trash and little to no natural nourishment, we are being directed to take up residence in another world, in space … and I’m not talking about physical trash.
The trash of today is failed relationships, marriages, and emotional health. All of these issues are rising at an unprecedented rate, and as quickly as these problems are rising, the folks in Silicon Valley are providing a vast array of escapes for our consumption. Whereas the inhabitants on Wall-E flew to a spaceship in orbit around the earth, we are flying to a spaceship in the digital world that orbits around real life.
We’re getting fat on quick and easy consumptive digital media. Text messages, youtube videos, twitter news updates, and facebook posts all promise a life of connectivity. I fear that these methods of relating are moving us all towards less capable social abilities where problems in the real world can only be talked about or resolved digitally.
Disability as Redemption
There is no doubt that in revealing the fundamental fragility of the human condition, the disabled person becomes an expression of the tragedy of pain. In this world of ours that approves hedonism as is charmed by ephemeral and deceptive beauty, the difficulties of the disabled are often perceived as a shame or provocation are their problem as burdens to be removed or resolved as quickly as possible. Disabled people are instead icons of the crucified Son. They reveal the mysterious beauty of the One who emptied himself obedient unto death. Show they us over and above all appearances that they ultimate foundation of human existence is Jesus Christ. – John Paul II
Portrait of a Borderline
“The false self can dominate even extremely talented people who are likely to be drawn to careers where life can be lived vicariously, where within safe, protective limits they can deal with emotions and activities that they avoid in their personal lives because of the fears such emotions and activities would evoke. Any career such as reporter, photographer, psychiatrist, or minister which requires professional detachment places one in a position to project oneself into others’ lives and identify with life dramas being played out there without full committing oneself to the same emotions and activities in one’s own life. For example, a reporter on the scene may fee as if he or she were really a participant. A minister or therapist with a deflated false self can experience in fantasy the joys and problems of a close relationship without the fear of self-activation and self-expression or of rejection that the real commitment or intimacy would necessitate. Her readiness for projective identification, poor ego boundaries, and inability to perceive reality adequately all help allow her to experience vicarious gratification by interjecting herself into the lives of others.”
Perfectionism is the enemy of success
Briefly, just read a great quote by the French author/philosopher Voltaire that rings very true for me.
“The perfect is the enemy of the good.”
If you wait for the perfect moment, waiting is all you will accomplish. Along with comfort, perfectionism is an enemy of success. Be bold and act on what you can do today, even if it’s not perfect.
Remembering
Two months ago, the Middle-Tennessee area was hit with thunderstorm after thunderstorm after thunderstorm from Friday night through Sunday evening. Some areas accumulated 15+ inches of rain during that time span, which led to significant flooding in many areas. Thankfully our house was not the victim of these fast moving waters, of which I am still grateful.
Often I will recall when something bad has happened, from something as small as a cup of milk being spilled by my kids to losing a job, a friend, or something more substantial. When those ‘bad’ things happen, I generally remember other times in life that feel similar. On the flip side, I rarely remember when things go ‘right’.
Just this morning our family ate a meal without any spilled food, drinks, or items. Glory. Yet, I don’t memorialize those moments because ultimately I believe that I’m entitled to things working well. So when they go well, I don’t celebrate, I chalk it off as normality. Yet when something awry happens, I question and wonder why life doesn’t work.
Remembering brings us face to face, if we’re willing, with our view of life. Do we expect good, and get mad at the setbacks? Perhaps another perspective is do we accept the setbacks expecting them to happen, and fail to remember/address the good? My hope is that remembering will lead me to hold both the good and bad in the same hand, giving each their due; laughing and weeping.
Will you remember?
