Narcissism

Narcissism is a word that is thrown around a lot, especially in attempts to describe certain world leaders currently in office. Despite how common of a term it is, it’s difficult to know, with certainty, that someone we are in a relationship with is a narcissist.

To a certain extent, we are all narcissistic in nature. We care about our image more than anyone else. We spend more time thinking about ourselves than anyone else. We automatically look for ourselves in a picture. We’re concerned with #1. But that’s not really a definition of narcissism.

Narcissists are charming, perhaps even seductive (not just sexually seductive). They bend the rules to their liking, and break the ones they think are stupid. They find others to do their dirty work, or to clean up the messes they have made. You know you’re in relationship with a narcissist when a vacuum is felt when they leave the room, or when there is a feeling of chaos that only abates when the “leader” is in the room speaking about said chaos. Relationally, they are like a black hole. They absorb all the energy and light around them, and it’s difficult for someone to escape.

Narcissists charm others by making them feel amazingly special, included, an insider, and a part of the group. But as soon as you’re a threat to leave, abandon them, or disrupt their control, they will turn on you. As special as you felt when you were on the inside, you will feel equally as hated and condemned when you are on the outside.

It’s difficult to leave narcissistic cultures, and people. It often takes a lot of guidance, help, and support to do so without getting harmed in the process. Unfortunately, many are married to, work for, follow, or have a parent that is a narcissist.

Don’t go it alone. Get help to find a safe way through the minefield.

15-Day Relationship Challenge

Relationships are a lot like owning a house. Unlike calling our landlord in a rental, when something goes wrong with the plumbing, HVAC, or roof, owning a home means that it’s my responsibility to address the problem. I would say that the majority of us naturally respond to our relationships like it’s a rental property — It’s their problem, not mine.  Over time this mindset erodes the foundation of the relationship, and it doesn’t take much of a storm to do quite a bit of damage.  

This relationship challenge will address your personal foundation and how that impacts your relationship foundation. By the end of the next 15 days, you’ll better know your personal story, your relationship story, and the things that get in the way of what you hope and desire. As with all things in life, we harvest what we plant. As you begin, ask yourself what you hope to get out of this (be honest!) and how much you will invest of your time, energy, attention, and patience.  You will get out of this what you put in.

Overview of the Process

The focus for the first week is on the story of me, and the second week is on the story of us. This will promote lighthearted, but meaningful engagements. Growth takes place with one positive experience after another.  

Each day for the next 15 days, there will be a short read and then there will be some questions for you to consider throughout the day. These questions will be more like a lantern to guide your way, than they are a finish line to complete. Try to engage the questions reflectively instead of checking the boxes. You may not realize it, but doing so will build the necessary muscles of your “soul” that will help you in your relationship. Finally there will be an assignment to do for the day as you go into work or life. 

There will be an assignment of connection for you and your spouse for the evening. Revisit what come up during the morning, what happened in your day, name your hopes and needs, and then close with reading the prayer or meditation together.  

It would be helpful for you to get a journal so you can jot down notes about your process. Throughout the challenge, I’m going to use the words “marriage” and “relationship” interchangeably. While this process can be helpful to any relationship, the majority of interpersonal issues we experience show up the most acutely in our intimate relationships. 

Some of the material might lead to conflict in your relationship. That’s ok. I’d encourage you to “press pause” if a conflict arises that feels like it is getting out of hand. Take a break, and continue with the challenge tomorrow.   

Schedule:
Day 1 – Hello! The gift of welcome. 
Day 2 – Roles. Where we come from.
Day 3 – Personalities. Who we are.
Day 4 – Top 5, Part 1. Keystone Stories of Loss.
Day 5 – Top 5, Part 2. Keystone Stories of Joy.
Day 6 – Growth. Who am I becoming?
Day 7 – Rest. Let all things be.
Day 8 – Remember Us. Our story. 
Day 9 – Grace. Sweat the small stuff. 
Day 10 – Celebrate. Our wins.
Day 11 – Bless. Our losses.
Day 12 – Responsibility. Making amends.
Day 13 – Forgiveness. Letting go, holding on.
Day 14 – Rest, part 2. We’re going to be ok.
Day 15 – A New Vision. Hope.

Day 2: Marriage & Thanksgiving

In light of this being the American week of Thanksgiving, I’ll be writing about the power of gratitude in marriage, and the encouragement it gives to relationships.
Day 1: The Gratitude Jar

Gratitude Prayer & Meditation

Sometimes gratitude in marriage is impossible to find. In these times we need more help than a blog post, counselor, or friend can give us. 

Here is a prayer for couples who are struggling to find thanksgiving in their relationship. If this doesn’t fit your situation, write your own.  

Humble God,
We lack gratitude for one another, and we withhold from each other
the abundance of good things you have given us. 

This is not the way we remember being together, in happier times past. 

How is it that we have gotten so far away from each other? 
Why is it so hard for us to be open and honest? 
Why is this pain we feel with each other so intense? 

We’re sure someone told us this might happen, but we didn’t listen. 
“Not to us!” we would say. 
Our love felt different than what we saw in others. We were so grateful for each other.

It felt special, and perhaps so unique that we didn’t even need you. 
As long as we had this intoxicating love, we were ok. 

Now, we are without this love. 
In it’s place is coldness, hurt, resentment, and fear.
We feel without each other, and without you. We need help.

Where do we go from here? 
Are we able to go back to that land of special love with each other? 

We are looking too hard for a way back into the Garden. To what once was, but now isn’t. 
The place we did not responsibly take care of. The place we blamed each other and you.

Please give us the courage and compassion with each other to tend to this new place we find ourselves.
We need a new vision how to be together, and who it is you want us to become. 

We cannot do this without your help. 
Amen.

____________________________

Help

There’s a HUGE difference between needing help, and wanting help.
We only get to the place of wanting help when we surrender to our limitations.
That we can’t get to where we want to go on our own.
Life change happens to us all of the time, and it happens on life’s terms: A car wreck, job loss, death of a loved one, or natural disasters. These events don’t change our hearts. They change our lives. And they give us the opportunity to have a heart change.
Change of heart happens through gratitude, surrender, and humility.
Moving from needing help, to wanting help.