Posted on

Day 4: Loss

This post is a part of The 15-Day Relationship Challenge. If you’re just now tuning in, click here for the whole series.

MORNING
Top 5, part 1. Keystone Stories of Loss.

Good morning. Welcome to Day 4 of 15! 

Over the past two days, we’ve talked about some of the building blocks to who you are as a person. As we talked about at the beginning, intimate relationships bring up the some of the truest thoughts, feelings, and stories about ourselves. To have successful intimate relationships, we have to know these experiences and not avoid them, especially in our marriage.

A keystone is a stone that a builder places at the top of an arch to connect the two sides together. It secures the arch in place, and allows the arch to bare weight. It literally becomes the most important stone in the building.

We all have a storehouse of keystone stories from our lives. These are the stories that are so foundational to who we are, how we see life, and how we respond to others. There are two categories of keystone stories in our life: Joy and Sorrow. Today, we’re going to talk about sorrow.

Richard Rohr says that if we do not transform our pain, we will transmit it. We will give it to others, which include our spouses, kids, and friends. These keystone stories that remain unaddressed to us, and unknown to those closest to us become a big threat to our marriages.

It is simultaneously a freeing thought, and a terrifying thought: No one escapes home without scars. 

Scars come from wounds, and wounds that mess with our life come from other people. Even if you think you’re parents did the best they could, or that they were as close to perfect as possible, they were still not perfect. In fact, some of the most difficult issues to address are those that come from a really clean or perfect environment. Someone who deals with anxiety that grew up in a “perfect” home will struggle to see their anxiety as anything other than their personal failure of this perfect upbringing. 

To empathize and have compassion for others comes from our ability to be in touch with our own painful experiences in life. We get our word “sorry” from the word “sorrow.” To be sorry means we have sorrow to offer and share with one another. Most of us are far more willing to offer sorrow to others than we are to ourselves. We will get to the difficult stories from your marriage next week, but today we’re going to focus on the top 5 keystone stories of difficulty and pain from your life before marriage. 

These are the stories that need to see the light of day, and to share the burden of these stories with those we are closest to. 

Reflection Questions:

  • What did I notice about me in reading today’s material? 
  • Did I have feelings, thoughts, questions, or stories that came to mind? 

Assignment
Write a brief description for each of the top 5 most difficult experiences from your life prior to marriage. Be as detailed as you can. Answer these questions about each story: 

  • What happened?
  • What did I feel? 
  • What did I do?
  • What promises did I make after the fact?

Give yourself some time to complete today’s assignment. You might need 30 or more minutes to appropriately answer the above questions. Above all, be kind to yourself in. 

EVENING

Hello! Welcome back. Good to see you again. How was your day? 

This morning we talked about painful experiences, which is not usually a subject I’m all that excited to jump into first thing in the morning. I hope the assignment was revealing and helpful for you and your day. 

Take 10-15 minutes tonight with your spouse to talk through your day. 

  • What were the highs and lows?
  • Where were you surprised? 
  • Was there anything different about your day because of the assignment(s)?
  • From this mornings reading, what stood out to you? 
  • If you’re willing, share your answers from the reflection questions. 

Assignment Connection
Pick one story from your assignment list, and share that story in as much detail as you’d like to share. 

______________________________________

Posted on

Day 3: Personalty

This post is a part of The 15-Day Relationship Challenge. If you’re just now tuning in, click here for the whole series.

MORNING
Personality. How you are.

Good morning!

Like so many things that are abundant in our culture, there is an abundance of tests that will tell you your personality. Some of these are a lot of fun, and are really helpful. You might have taken some of these tests along the way: The Meyers-Briggs, DISC, the Enneagram, Strengths Finder, Kolbe-A, and many many more. 

These tests help put names to attributes about ourselves that give us language to describe what otherwise cannot be explained. Our personalities are so much more than what a test can explain, but these are helpful resources that can help us along the way. 

Today, we’re going to focus on a specific aspect of our personalities: Extroversion and Introversion. These terms relate to far more than just how sociable we can be. They help us understand how we process information. Carl Jung, one of the fathers of psychotherapy, helped to develop these terms to describe how different we are in our social interactions.

Studies show there are about twice as many extroverts as there are introverts. Statistically speaking, either you are an extrovert or you are married to one. Let’s look at the differences: 

Extroverts
Extroverts are most likely to thrive when with other people. They generally don’t do as well when they are on their own, often finding life boring and under stimulating. Extroverts process life from the outside in, usually needing to experience something in order to know what they think or feel about it. They talk about things out loud in order to know what they think or feel. 

They are often described as energetic, outgoing, lively, and excitable. They recharge by being around people and generally do really well in groups or large gatherings. They do well with more stimulating environments. Some common misconception about extroverts is they are not thoughtful, are unable to be alone, or are always up for a party.

Introverts
Introverts thrive when they have time on their own. They don’t recharge when they are with people, they recharge when they have time alone. They process life from the inside out, first needing to know how they feel or think about something before engaging in that something. They think about things in order to know what they believe. 

They do better with less stimulating environments. They can do well in groups, but might tend towards a smaller group of people than their extroversion counterparts. In social gatherings, they generally do better after having time to warm up to the new situation, or after they’ve found connection with a few others. Common misconceptions about introverts are they they don’t like people, are shy, or are insecure. 

One of the biggest areas of conflict I see in relationships is when an extrovert thinks aloud and the introvert latches on to what’s being said as the absolute truth. The flip side is true as well. Introverts speak more solidly about what they think and feel, and extroverts can sometimes think that their introverted partner is just considering things aloud. The truth is they are actually speaking about something they have deeply considered. Conflict happens in a variety of ways when introverts and extroverts are in relationship, and chances are, this describes your relationship. 

When we can understand the differences of how we process information, there is more room for others to show up in how they are wired.

Reflection Questions:

  • What did I notice about me in reading today’s material? 
  • Did I have feelings, thoughts, questions, or stories that came to mind?
  • Introvert or Extrovert? Which description best fits you? 
  • What did you learn about your personality? 

Assignment
Growth happens when we take a risk, do something challenging, or try something new. Today, do something outside of your introversion/extroversion comfort zone. 

If you’re an introvert, instead of (fill in activity here) on your own, take a risk and invite others into that activity with you and process out loud what you read today. If you’re an extrovert, instead of being the social ringleader for (fill in activity here), take some time on your own to reflect on todays reading, and how you’re reacting to it. 

EVENING

Hello! Welcome back. Good to see you again. How was your day? This morning we talked about introversion and extroversion. I hope you took a risk in getting outside your comfort zone at some point today. 

Take 10-15 minutes tonight with your spouse to talk through your day. 

  • What were the highs and lows?
  • Where were you surprised? 
  • Was there anything different about your day because of the assignment(s)?
  • From this mornings reading, what stood out to you? 
  • If you’re willing, share your answers from the reflection questions. 

Assignment Connection
Tell the story of what you did on your assignment.

______________________________________

Posted on

Day 2: Family Roles

This post is a part of The 15-Day Relationship Challenge. If you’re just now tuning in, click here for the whole series.

MORNING
What’s My Role?

Good Morning. Welcome back. 

Have you ever heard the phrase, “Home is where life makes up it’s mind?” Some of us grew up in chaotic homes, while others of us great up in quiet avoidant homes. Regardless of the temperament of the home, we all carry a massive set of assumptions about life that was formed in our childhood homes. 

One of the primary ways our childhoods impact our relationships today is the role we played at home. We all played a role in our family, and we all fill a role (usually a similar one) in our marriages. When I think of the word “role” I immediately associate it with the word “hole.” Our roles come from the holes in our family.

No family is perfect, and these imperfections create holes in family dynamics. Kids come along and desperately want the attention and affection of mom and dad and they want out of the insanity that is a family. They begin to unknowingly try and fill these holes to cope with the craziness. It’s a wonder any of us are even partially functional in life! 

Here is a list of the most common roles that kids play in order to fill the holes at home: 

Hero
The do-gooder. Rule follower. High achiever. The chosen one. Straight-A student. They come home on time, rarely offer resistance to expectations placed on them, and have an incredibly high standard of what success looks like. They feel like love is earned and have an inflated sense of importance. “If I don’t do it, no one will. It’s up to me.” They make the family look good. Their pain is masked through performance and perfection. 

Mascot
The family comedian or storyteller. They are the practical joker, funny guy, and clown. Mascots cut through the tension of the home by making everyone laugh. They stay emotionally distant from difficulties, but know exactly what to say or do to alleviate the seriousness of a fight or stress in the home. Everything is ok for us if we are laughing. They mask the pain through laughter. 

Scapegoat
All families are messy, and they need someone to take the blame for why they’re a mess. The scapegoat is easily blamed for the problems at home. Their “acting out” (drugs, alcohol, sex, etc) is a way to cope with the family pain. They get compared to the hero a lot. Scapegoats fill the role of being the container for everyone else to emotionally “throw up” on. Scapegoats are generally the most honest in the family. They tell the truth through actions about how crazy the family is. They mask the pain through acting out. 

Lost Child
The family is so focused on laughing with the mascot, blaming the scapegoat, and celebrating the hero that someone is going to be lost. Lost kids get missed in the drama of everything else happening. Sometimes this looks like being a chameleon (I’ll be whoever you need me to be). They stay just on the outside enough to go unnoticed, away from the drama/mess of the family. They tend to be withholding, silent, and afraid to get close to people. They mask the pain by hiding, being unnoticed.

Some of us filled multiple roles in our family home, and sometimes our parents played some of the roles. The roles we played in our family as kids shape the way we are in our close intimate relationships as adults. Knowing what roles we played is tremendously helpful for how we are as adults. It gives us insight and understanding in how we deal with conflict, failure, risks, and intimacy.

Reflection Questions:

  • What did I notice about me in reading today’s material? 
  • What feelings, thoughts, questions, or stories that came to mind? 
  • What role(s) most closely describe me in my childhood?
  • What stories do I remember that illustrate this? 
  • What did I learn about my family in reading through these roles?
  • How might the role I play be impacting my relationships today?

Assignment
Think of a story that best illustrates the role you played in your home growing up.

EVENING

Take 10-15 minutes tonight with your spouse to talk through your day. 

  • What were the highs and lows?
  • Where were you surprised? 
  • Was there anything different about your day because of the assignment(s)? 

From this mornings reading, what stood out to you? If you’re willing, share your answers from the reflection questions.

Assignment Connection
Tell the story you thought of that best illustrates the role(s) you played in your childhood home. 

______________________________________

Posted on

Day 1: Hello!

This post is a part of The 15-Day Relationship Challenge. If you’re just now tuning in, click here for the whole series.

MORNING
Hello. A Walk Down Memory Lane.

Hi. Hey. What’s up. Hello.

These are are words of welcome. Of invitation to be here. The word “hello” lets those who hear it know they are welcome and you are open, available, and intent on listening to what is about to be said. 

Your mom or dad probably said something like this to you when you were born. Maybe it was with a look, a touch, or with those very words. Perhaps the doctor or nurse was the one who greeted you to this world. Regardless, someone in that room welcomed you to life.

And then you probably screamed. Understandable. Perhaps the most blameless action any of us have ever taken!

Somehow you knew (the experiential kind of knowing) this new reality wasn’t what you used to have. It was colder, louder, brighter, and much harsher than your previous dwelling. Like Adam & Eve before us, we’re all trying to get back in to that peaceful, warm, and safer place from where we came.

Hello is also something you said to your husband, or wife, when you first met. It’s amazing how an inflection of certain letters in that word can change the meaning. Maybe the best form of Hello brings with it the phrase, “oh yeah, I like what I see and feel.”  At some point that hello turned into let’s go. And at the beginning, going anywhere together was better than going somewhere on your own. 

Before we get to the hello and let’s go of your relationship, it’s good to take a trip down memory lane. The memory lane about you. Because you are partly responsible for why your relationship exists (yep, even the not-so good parts of the relationship). The next several days will be about where you come from, and how you’ve become who you have become. 

Knowing you, your story, your hopes and dreams helps to set the context for what you’re looking for in your relationship (and the same is true for your spouse as well). The phrase “what you don’t know can’t hurt you” couldn’t be more wrong. What you don’t know might be the very reason you feel what you feel in your life, and relationship. 

Reflection Questions:

  • What did I notice about me in reading today’s material? 
  • What feelings, thoughts, questions, or stories that came to mind? 
  • Who has been the most welcoming person in my life? Why?
  • Who have I welcomed the most into my life? Why?

Assignment:
Practice the gift of welcoming someone today. When you get home later today, offer welcome to your family. 

EVENING

Hello! Welcome back. Good to see you again. How was your day? 

This first day of the challenge is a great foundation for what is to come. Feeling welcomed is a gift, one we need ourselves, and one others need from us. I hope you practiced that today. 

Take 10-15 minutes tonight with your spouse to talk through your day. 

  • What were the highs and lows?
  • Where were you surprised? 
  • Was there anything different about your day because of the assignment(s)?

As you look ahead to these next two weeks of growth together, answer these questions: 

  • What am I excited about?
  • What am I afraid about?
  • What do I want to see grow in me as a person? 
  • What do I hope for out of this process? 

Assignment Connection
Tell each other the story of who you gave the gift of Welcome to today.

______________________________________  

Posted on

15-Day Relationship Challenge

Relationships are a lot like owning a house. Unlike calling our landlord in a rental, when something goes wrong with the plumbing, HVAC, or roof, owning a home means that it’s my responsibility to address the problem. I would say that the majority of us naturally respond to our relationships like it’s a rental property — It’s their problem, not mine.  Over time this mindset erodes the foundation of the relationship, and it doesn’t take much of a storm to do quite a bit of damage.  

This relationship challenge will address your personal foundation and how that impacts your relationship foundation. By the end of the next 15 days, you’ll better know your personal story, your relationship story, and the things that get in the way of what you hope and desire. As with all things in life, we harvest what we plant. As you begin, ask yourself what you hope to get out of this (be honest!) and how much you will invest of your time, energy, attention, and patience.  You will get out of this what you put in.

Overview of the Process

The focus for the first week is on the story of me, and the second week is on the story of us. This will promote lighthearted, but meaningful engagements. Growth takes place with one positive experience after another.  

Each day for the next 15 days, there will be a short read and then there will be some questions for you to consider throughout the day. These questions will be more like a lantern to guide your way, than they are a finish line to complete. Try to engage the questions reflectively instead of checking the boxes. You may not realize it, but doing so will build the necessary muscles of your “soul” that will help you in your relationship. Finally there will be an assignment to do for the day as you go into work or life. 

There will be an assignment of connection for you and your spouse for the evening. Revisit what come up during the morning, what happened in your day, name your hopes and needs, and then close with reading the prayer or meditation together.  

It would be helpful for you to get a journal so you can jot down notes about your process. Throughout the challenge, I’m going to use the words “marriage” and “relationship” interchangeably. While this process can be helpful to any relationship, the majority of interpersonal issues we experience show up the most acutely in our intimate relationships. 

Some of the material might lead to conflict in your relationship. That’s ok. I’d encourage you to “press pause” if a conflict arises that feels like it is getting out of hand. Take a break, and continue with the challenge tomorrow.   

Schedule:
Day 1 – Hello! The gift of welcome. 
Day 2 – Roles. Where we come from.
Day 3 – Personalities. Who we are.
Day 4 – Top 5, Part 1. Keystone Stories of Loss.
Day 5 – Top 5, Part 2. Keystone Stories of Joy.
Day 6 – Growth. Who am I becoming?
Day 7 – Rest. Let all things be.
Day 8 – Remember Us. Our story. 
Day 9 – Grace. Sweat the small stuff. 
Day 10 – Celebrate. Our wins.
Day 11 – Bless. Our losses.
Day 12 – Responsibility. Making amends.
Day 13 – Forgiveness. Letting go, holding on.
Day 14 – Rest, part 2. We’re going to be ok.
Day 15 – A New Vision. Hope.