The only way finances can work in marriage is if it’s laundered first. Yes, you read that right. Launder your money. Clean it of ownership, of claim. Too many couples have split their financial assets, bank accounts, and credit cards.
A relationship based on earning says, “what’s yours is yours, and what’s mine is mine.” In this system, sharing household bills and common expenses works just fine as long as there is an abundance of money or abundance of agreement. Inevitably, the abundance goes away. “Fairness” changes over time, especially when one starts out earning their spouse.
Jealousy, resentments, and competition will grow in abundance when what is “fair” changes. When couples never financially marry each other, competition is bound to happen. Competition means that one person wins and the other loses.
Launder money so that when it’s done being washed, neither the husband or the wife know who’s money it is. It needs to be washed of individual ownership. The end result is: “We earned this.” Become teammates, not opponents.
Marriage Junk Food
It’s easy to get a Twinkie off the shelf, and eat it. Donuts are great, too. But they are not all that good for the body.
Marriages have a lot of junk food options: Blame. Contempt. Resentment. Criticism. Name calling. Silence or Stonewalling.
These actions, or reactions, all taste pretty good in the moment, but they don’t nourish us or our relationships. They are empty calories that make for an obese relationship.
Getting healthy might not feel good in the moment, but it is worth it. Instead of Blame, take responsibility. Instead of contempt, celebrate. Forgive. Forgiveness chokes out resentment. A cheerleader (not necessarily the school kind) is always better to be around than a critic.
What marriage junk food do you need to throw away?
Six Languages of Relational Intimacy
Below are six languages that help speak to the building of an intimate relationships. We cannot build healthy intimacy and thriving relationships without practicing some of the below ideas. As with anything in life, practice makes progress (not perfect!).
Passion – This is the language of “I want and desire more.” Shame tells us that we ‘should’ do or we “ought to” get more. Should is a shame word that negatively influences our relationships. Instead of saying “I should,” say “I want” or “I desire.” Own what you want, don’t be a victim to your own desires.
Presence – This is the practice of saying “I am here, emotionally engaged.” Escape is easy through TV, internet, food, sugar, devices, alcohol, drugs, and other substances. When we hide, we are not present and engaged with others in our life. Life is full and busy, but these are the choices we make. If you’re not present, cut back on distracting habits or commitments.
Resolve – This is the idea forward of, “I will finish what I start and follow through.” Self-sabotage or procrastination are the works of fear and shame. Afraid that we’ll fail, or that it won’t be good enough (shame). Another idea is that we sabotage success because we don’t feel worthy (another experience of shame). Do what you promise to yourself, and to others.
Vulnerability – This is the language of “I will risk showing you my true self. I will not hide.” Nothing promotes intimacy more than vulnerability. We shy away from the true desires of our heart because not everyone is safe. If you risk nothing, you will gain nothing.
Help – This is the language of “I will ask for help.” Asking for help is scary because it puts us in the position of being rejected. Like vulnerability, if we do not ask for help, we will not be helped.
Honesty – This is the language of “I will tell the truth, regardless of the consequences.” This is a core issue in unhealthy relationships. Telling the truth isn’t just about what we have done, it includes what we have felt and thought. Telling the truth often has devastating consequences. Flannery O’Conner says, “you will know the truth, and the truth shall make you odd.”
Which one(s) of these do you need to work on?
Wildflowers of Marriage
The great philosopher Forrest Gump famously said, “life is like a box of chocolates, you never know what you’re going to get.” The great thing about those chocolates is that you can bite into them, and if you don’t like what you got, you can choose another one.
Many people think something similar about marriage, too. If I don’t like the flavor, I’ll get rid of it and get a new one. I wrote last week about life being like a garden, and the similarities between the two. You have to prepare, plant, tend, water, weed, prune, pick, and a host of other actions for a garden to grow. Gump was right with his assessment about life.
A similar metaphor for marriage is wildflowers. If you go to a flea market, garden shop, or any other store that sells garden seeds, you’ll find a package of seeds titled: Wildflowers. There will be a picture on the package showing you what it is that the seeds produce. Different than that of any other seed package (corn, beans, or other flowers), you don’t really know what the contents will produce. The only way you can know is to buy the package, and go plant the seeds.
Marriage is just like this. We can think we know what flowers will grow from the package, but we can’t know until we marry, plant, tend, and grow the flower garden. The big challenge is when we get the results: The flowers bloom and sometimes they aren’t what we wanted, expected, or feel like we deserved.
It’s at this point that a person’s character begins to show up. What will you do with getting something that you didn’t want? How will you handle the loss, disappointment, anger, hurt, and resentment? Will you tear up the garden, destroy all the flowers/plants that have grown? To what extent will you try and control what has happened to you?
The beauty of marriage is that it reveals who we really are. We don’t need a host populated world like the show Westworld to show us who we are. Marriage does that well enough on it’s own. What will be revealed in you when you don’t get what you want?
Gardening and Life
Several years ago I attempted to grow a vegetable garden in our backyard. It was mostly an utter failure. We may have gotten 3 tomatoes and a couple of green beans. But let me tell you what, those were the best tomatoes and beans I’ve ever had! Though the production failed, what didn’t fail was the process of illuminating areas in my life that needed attention.
The following year, we changed a lot in how we prepared, planted, and cared for the garden. Every day I would visit the garden after work, pull weeds, prune, and take care of the plants. Gardening is a lot of tedious work, and I grew to enjoy it. There are a few life lessons that I learned and from my daily 5-10 minute ‘garden walks.’
Gardening is about patience.
I noticed one bed that didn’t appear to have anything growing in it besides a couple of patches of clover-like weeds. Thinking that we did not plant the seeds right, I replanted the entire bed. After telling my wife what’d I’d done, she lovingly smiled and told me I’d mistakenly pulled the clover-like sprouts. They were actually the lettuce we’d planted.
I’d gotten impatient and pulled up something I needed to have given more time to grow. In my haste to see plants grow, and reap the harvest of my hard work, I sabotaged what was steadily and slowly growing. I fell victim to what many of us do on a daily basis: instant gratification. Gardens are not microwaves, nor is life or relationships. Often I will want something from my marriage or in life that hasn’t had time to grow.
Tending to what’s seen.
I sometimes looked too hard for what’s going to be the next problem, weed issue, or area that will require my time. In doing so, I miss out on enjoying what’s in front of me. Yes, prevention is part of the problem, but if I only ever focus on the problems, I’ll miss out on the fruit.
Those of us who struggle with anxiety tend to be on the lookout for what’s “next” on the to do list. In relationships, this can take the shape of trying too hard to work on something that’s not really an issue (or yet to be an issue).
I remind myself to take note of what I’m aware of today, and not go digging around looking for the roots of other problems that might pop up tomorrow. Today has enough worries of it’s own. Let tomorrow happen tomorrow.
Take a break, an intentional rest.
Working in my garden every single day had a way of blinding me to the growth that was happening. Hyper focus is good in spurts, but not sustainable long term. We all need space and time to let things that are planted, grow. We need a rest from work, from screens, from the monotony of life.
Rest one hour per day, one day per week, one week per year. Turn off the screens and other stimulants that crowd out life. Listen to the silence.
Life is a process, not a finish line.
Even if my garden doesn’t produce edible fruit, it’s already been a raving success. The process of planning, building, and planting it has already accomplished growth in me. I’m seeing things about me that are making me smile, and causing me to pause and reflect. If I were to view this project as only a means to an end, you wouldn’t be hearing about it and I wouldn’t be growing from it.
Cicero once said if a man has a library and a garden, he has everything. I’d add human relationships into that. Gardening is a great metaphor for life. It’s a process filled with seasons, beginnings and endings, digging things up, replanting, and ultimately, growth. It takes time, patience, and space to see and experience the growth.
A Wealthy Marriage
Most of us spend so much time thinking about the wealth of our bank account, or retirement plan. What about the wealth of your marriage? There is not a more important investment in life than that of your marriage and family. Governments and economies can all disappear rendering our financial investments worthless. There is nothing that will disrupt the healthy investment of a marriage, and the dividends paid to future generations.
How to be wealthy in Marriage:
- Find ways to surprise your spouse. Most surprises are negative. Make them say “you did what” with joyful expectance.
- Lather them with compliments. What do you like/love about them? Lather them in these compliments two, three, four times over.
- Follow the golden rule in woodworking: Measure twice, cut once / Listen twice, speak once. Ask questions to make sure you’ve heard them. Don’t worry about being heard, do the hard work of listening.
- Daily look at them in the eyes long enough to feel. It’s amazing how intimate this is. Share that feeling you just had when you looked into their eyes.
- Date. Play. Hobby together.
- Deposit positive experiences into their relational bank account, and difficult times will never bankrupt you.
- Don’t wait to get help until you have to. An ounce of prevention is worth a pound of cure.
Gaps
The great philosopher, Rocky Balboa, is talking to his manager Paulie. They are in the meat locker, Rocky is punching some cows, and Paulie asks him about his sister:
“You really like her? I don’t get it, what’s the attraction?”
“I don’t know, fills gaps I guess.”
“What’s gap’s”
“I dunno. I’ve got gaps, she’s got gaps. Together we fill gaps.”
(this whole blog post is so much better if read in Rocky’s voice)
Gaps are why we love (and hate) relationships. We have gaps, we need others to fill our gaps, and we need to fill others gaps. How many of us are comfortable with our gaps, as much (or little) as they are filled?
So often we are begging for our gaps to be filled, instead of being the one who fills gaps.
Burdens
I’ve been thinking about how many people feel like their marriage is a burden. I agree, marriage is a burden. But I think it’s a burden in a different kind of way. The word “burden” in the Hebrew language means “assignment from God.” Marriage is a burden to our selfishness. It’s an assignment to deal with our selfish nature.
To do marriage well requires a life of surrender and sacrifice, both of which don’t coexist well with selfishness. Marriage is not intended to make us whole. Yes, it fills some of our gaps, but not all of them. Marriage exposes what we do when all of our gaps aren’t filled like we want them to be.
What is it that we humans do when we get exposed? Hide, blame, run, cover up, and any number of other tactics to get back in control. We’re like the wizard of oz, “pay no attention to the frail, weak, aging man behind the curtain, only look at the big image that’s being projected on the screen.”
What burdens do you need to take responsibility for in your marriage?
4 Questions to Guide Conflict
Four Questions to Guide in a Fight:
When possible take the time with the person you’re in conflict with to talk about these questions. If you do, you will gain important understanding about one another. Growth happens as a result of increased trust and constructive honesty.
1. What happened? (data)
There are three sides to every story: Your side, my side, and the truth. Spend time in talking about all 3 sides.
2. What feelings came up? (emotions)
Anger is almost always a secondary emotion or a catch-all bucket of other feelings. Unpack that bag. Bravely risk being honest.
3. What did I do about it? (actions)
We usually try to get in control when we’re in conflict. Our actions/reactions dictate if we’re more focused on being right, or if we’re willing to be in the process of repair. Process can be scary because it’s open ended.
4. What do I need help with?
Knowing you can’t fix or resolve everything is normal for all relationships. We all need help outside ourselves. Recognizing there is a God, (and it’s not me or you — acknowledging I’m human), I am not all powerful or all knowing, speaking the words I need help is a sign of health and hope for your relationship.
Making Peace with DMZ’s in Marriage
I’m sure you’ve seen it in a movie, or on the news. The scene is this: Some country breaks the demilitarized zone with an aircraft or a person. The other country interprets this as an act of war and promptly opens fire, destroying it before it has a chance to hurt them. You don’t step foot into the DMZ unless you’re wanting to die, or start an all-out war.
Unfortunately, many marriages are setup like warring countries. There are tragedies, hurts, betrayals, and offenses that have gone unresolved. These stories become the DMZ between the couple. As one woman said in my office last week, “he had an affair 8 years ago, we never talked about it then, and we’re not going to talk about it now.” When a topic becomes off-limits, a DMZ is established.
The bottom line is this: Marriages will not survive DMZ’s. The moment a story is placed in the “off limits” category, knowingly or unknowingly, the couple has declared war on intimacy, trust, and forgiveness — all components of thriving relationships. When a DMZ is established, the individual parties begin looking out for the best interest of themselves, and only look at the other person from a distance.
So, how do countries stabilize war and DMZ’s? I’m not all that studied on international diplomacy, but I am with relationships. Ultimately it comes down to one goal: Peace. Enemies must make peace with one another for war to end. They do so by meeting in a neutral setting, being willing to make concessions, offer gifts, and accept a truce.
Here’s how you start this process in marriage.
– Take your shoes off, I’m serious. Ground yourself. The DMZ in your marriage is holy ground. It’s where blood has been spilled, death has been seen, and hope has been lost. We bring silence and respect when entering a place of mourning. Taking your shoes off puts your feet in bare contact with the physical ground, and terrain. You’re more sensitive to what you’re walking on without your shoes.
– Drop your weapons. You don’t walk into a peace treaty meeting with a machine gun. What are the weapons you use in marriage? Contempt? Stonewalling? Name calling? “Calling it like you see it”? Avoidance? Manipulation? Control? Rage? Silence? Regardless of the weapon you love to brandish, leave it at the door. Tell your spouse what it is that you’re leaving behind.
– Unfold your arms. Our body language tells others everything they need to know to make a judgement about how we’re approaching the situation. This happens instantly, unconsciously. By crossing your arms or legs, you’re signaling defensiveness and being closed off. Defensiveness will keep DMZ’s alive, not a way to make peace.
– Listen twice, speak once. The reality is most of us do not listen very well. We’re generally more interested in forming our rebuttal than allowing the words, emotions, and energy to get to us. Before you respond with what you want to say, reflect back to the other person the actual words they spoke and ask if you heard everything correctly (ie- “I heard you say you feel like I don’t like you, and that I care more about work than I care about you, is that right?).
– Slow down, breathe. Take deep breaths to slow down your heart rate. This decreases the chances of your fight or flight response from taking over. Relax your jaw, your fists, and breath. It may sound hokey, but slowing your heart rate will better allow you to view the other person as a friend, not a foe.
– Listen to your senses. What do you smell, see, and feel (physically)? In fights or places of tension, we are generally being reactive to something from the past (see #4 – fight/flight). Practicing awareness of our senses brings us into the present moment, and helps to bring clarity.
– Practice offering gratitude. If you’re not offering thanks to your spouse for their efforts to bring peace, peace will not come. Be wary of how entitlement cheats gratitude (“she should know better…”, or “I shouldn’t have to tell you this…”). If you can’t find something to be thankful for, the issue is with you, not the other person.
The saying is true: “It takes two to tango,” but it only takes one person to change the way they are dancing to invite the other to do the same. I’ve seen it dozens of times where one person has offered peace to an unwilling and defensive participant, and it changes the relationship. Don’t wait for the other person to change first, they are likely waiting for the same thing.
The above picture is “a view from the Dora Observatory in Korea. The DMZ (and beyond it, North Korea) is visible through the haze. (photo via flickr user Ben Kucinski)