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Day 15: A New Vision

This post is a part of The 15-Day Relationship Challenge. If you’re just now tuning in, click here for the whole series.

A New Mission & Vision

Welcome to the final day of your 15-day relationship challenge! 

I hope that it has been a productive, connecting, and celebratory journey together. You’ve spent some time in your individual stories, in your marriage story, and we’re going to end with spending some time in developing a plan for the future stories you will live. Your marriage needs a mission statement. Just like a business, every marriage needs a mission for why it exists and what it hopes to accomplish. If you aim for nothing, you will hit it every time. 

A mission statement provides a guiding light in times of distress, confusion, trouble, and glorious moments. Without a clearly defined mission, marriages become lost and aimless in how they attempt to resolve difficulties, and accomplish goals. This loss of clarity can (and usually does) lead to couples fighting against each other, instead of for each other. 
When we don’t set our sights on an achievable destination, we invariably end up at the same place that we were attempting to avoid. So let’s define what you’re aiming for. 

Creating your marriage mission statementThe first step is to identifying your marriage mission is to brainstorm together. Brainstorming is like free-time on the playground — there are no rules, right or wrong ideas. Let anything that comes to mind be stated and not be judged (even by yourself). 
Every mission statement needs to have a defined purpose, values, and hope.

To get those clearly defined, work together on the following questions:

1. What are the opportunities or needs we are passionate about that we want to address? (the purpose of the marriage) 
This could include an internal (family) need or an external (community) need. An example of this purpose for our family is hosting. Stephanie and I love to host. This takes shape in having friends over for dinner, out-of-town guests stay for a weekend, or having other families come over and enjoy good food, drink, and conversations. We see a need for fellow travelers to have a place of respite. We want to create a home that is a respite for our family, as well as others. 
Other purposes could include: 

  • Raising children
  • Adventure
  • Live Contently Together
  • Fight together, not against
  • Serve our community
  • Encourage others

2. What principles or beliefs guide our marriage? (the values of the marriage)
This is about your moral, ethical, and spiritual beliefs and how they show up in your relationship. What role do you want God to play in your marriage, and how will this impact the needs we answered in question 1? What virtues do you want to live by in your marriage? There is a difference between values that we already live out, and values that we aspire to live by. 

3. What are your unique strengths both individually and together as a couple?
First Answer this question individually, and then share your answers together. There are three parts of this question: My strengths, My Spouse’s strengths, The Couple’s strengths. Often times we see in others what they cannot see for themselves. This is a good opportunity to speak some truth into your spouse’s life.

4. What goals do you want to accomplish in life together?
Setting goals will help you to identify what your you want your marriage mission statements to look like (ie – we want to take a big vacation every 3 years….the mission of this could be that we want to create memories and adventures together). If you are thinking of starting a family be sure to add what values you will teach them into your statement as well.
Now that you’ve answered these questions, you’re ready to write your marriage mission statement. Here are some guidelines that will help you to craft your statement:  

  • Short and sweet. Make sure that you can remember what your mission is without having to pull the dusty file folder out of your closet out to find your printed version. Keep it to 2-3 sentences.
  • Avoid clichés. 
  • Mission statements do not need to shame or cause guilt-trips. 
  • KISS – Keep It Simply Simple. Don’t try to impress, be true to your relationship.
  • Use proactive verbs that describe what you want to do/accomplish.
  • A good marriage mission statement will provide vision and clarity when life happens.
  • Address the marriage, family, and community. 
  • Keep it up to date. Review your mission a couple of times a year to see how you’re doing. 

Here are some examples of others’ marriage mission statements: 

John & Carly (M. 11 years, 3 kids)
Our marriage hopes to raise our children to be productive members of society, to provide a safe and playful environment at home, and to explore the world around us together. We give grace to each other, desire to seek and grant forgiveness, and serve each other first. We want our friends and community to feel welcome in our home, and encouraged in their lives.

Roger & Sherrie (M. 36 years, 2 kids, 3 grand kids)
The purpose of our marriage is to glorify God, reach the next generation for God’s kingdom, and live together in sacrificial love. We value keeping short accounts of wrongs with each other, spending time in nature together, and rich experiences with others. Above all else, we want God to be pleased with what we have done with his grace.

Rondell & Tonya (M. 9 years)
We want to live a happy, peaceful life together being quick to forgive each other. We desire to have a home that is warm and welcoming to our friends and neighbors, and that we are generous with our time and money. 

Once you have written your statement, revisit it in a few days and make any changes. Then share it with your family and friends that are close to you. Let them in on the healing and new vision that you are aiming for. Remember, supporting a marriage takes a community. We need others around us to accomplish what we hope to do. 

Now that you’re finished with this 15-day challenge, you might be wondering what’s next. Some of you might be exhausted from all this reflection and home work, some of you might want to do more of it. Take some time and talk together about what you might want to do next together. Here are some suggestions: 

  • Play. Go do some fun things together.
  • Read a book together. Start with fiction, then read non-fiction.
  • Travel. Go on dates. Make memories.
  • Need further help? Setup some counseling or marriage coaching with a professional. 

I hope this has been a relationship-changing experience for you two. If so, would you mind dropping me a note to let me know how this was for you? Also, if you wrote a mission state, I’d love to read it and share it with my readers (with your permission).

Please consider sharing this challenge with your friends and family who could use some encouragement and work on their relationships. If you haven’t already, be sure to sign up to receive updates in the future on more challenges, courses, and projects yet to come. 

Be Well!
Samuel

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Day 14: Rest, Part 2

This post is a part of The 15-Day Relationship Challenge. If you’re just now tuning in, click here for the whole series.

MORNING
Rest, part 2. We’re going to be ok.

Good morning. Welcome to Day 14, another day of Rest! 

Last week on day 7 we began addressing the topic of rest, where it comes from, and why we need it. Today, I want to shift focus from individual rest to relational rest. Our relationships need the space that only rest can provide. 

Relationships need rest from the strain and stress that come from two strangers living together. Relationships need rest from the high expectations we demand of them. They need time and space to grow, not under the hurried anxiety of what our selfish gratifications require. They need rest to remember that it’s going to be ok, and that we are going to be ok. 

I often talk about a marriage as the first baby of a couple’s union. It starts off all cuddly, and small, and needy. It needs lots of attention, and out of this newfound love we give it all that we have. As it matures, it starts showing the signs of imperfections given by the caregivers. As the days and years go on, the marriage shows the fruits of the neglect or the fruits of care. 
Rest for relationships is what allows for healing. To recoup from the previous week’s work, stress, parenting, and life.  

The 13 days of this challenge thus far have involved a lot of hard work to remember your story, grow in grace, bless and celebrate the highs and lows, face your responsibilities of failure, and the redemptive healing work of forgiveness. If any relationship needed a rest, it’s the one that just did all of those things. 

Today’s challenge of rest is about playing together.

Remember, play is the enjoyment of something that does not require someone to win and someone to lose. Play is what kids do in a sandbox, and it’s what adults forget how to do  (outside of sex, which is a great form of play). Dancing is play. Taking a pottery class is play. Cooking is play. Driving on new roads is play.

Play together. For a day, forget the silliness of life. Forget that there is cleaning to do, chores to accomplish, and work to be done. Revel in the sunny day, cast off your worries together, dance in the street. Scare your kids with how removed from your adulting-trance you are today. Wander, and wonder. Together. 

Reflection Questions

  • What did I think about my spouse in reading today’s material? Was it kind? Was it thoughtful? Was it loving?
  • Did I have feelings, thoughts, questions, or stories that came to mind?
  • What is something I can do for them today?
  • How can I welcome and receive what they have done for me today?

Assignment
What kind of rest does your relationship need today? The rest of play, of relaxation, of space, of new activity together?Plan a day of play with your spouse. 

EVENING

Hello! Welcome back. Great to see you again. How was your day? Tomorrow, we’re going to wrap up our 15-days together, and shift our focus from inside, to outside. To this point, every day has been what is going on inside you, or inside your marriage. Focusing on what to do with all that growth will be your launching pad tomorrow.

Take 10-15 minutes tonight with your spouse to talk through your day. 

  • What were the highs and lows?
  • Where were you surprised? 
  • Was there anything different about your day because of the assignment(s)?
  • From this mornings reading, what stood out to you? 
  • If you’re willing, share your answers to the assignment. 

Assignment Connection
Discuss how you can find rest once a day for 30 minutes, once a week for a half-day, once a month for a full day, and once a year for a week. 

______________________________________

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Day 13: Forgiveness

This post is a part of The 15-Day Relationship Challenge. If you’re just now tuning in, click here for the whole series.

MORNING
Forgiveness. Letting go, holding on. 

Good morning. Welcome to Day 13.

Imagine dangling from a cliff, you’ve just slipped and caught a tree branch growing from the mountainside with your right hand. Your spouse is above you reaching their hand down to grab your left hand. It’s your only hope to be saved from falling. What do you do with your right hand, the one holding onto the branch? Nothing. You keep it securely gripped to the tree so that your left hand is free to grab ahold of their outstretched hand.

Forgiveness is the hand that is offered to us as we dangle over the cliff. Without it, we will fall into the abyss below. Unknown if we will able to return to the relationship we just lost. 

What I know about forgiveness is that it has a profound cost. Forgiveness that does not include a cost probably isn’t forgiveness, but a platitude. Just think of the cliff metaphor. Forgiveness is costly to the one receiving it. They have to trust their life to someone above with better footing. In order to be saved, they have to let go of the tree branch (which might feel more strong and true at the time).

For the one offering forgiveness, the hand, they have to give up their safe perch on the path above. They have to give up their safety, and risk falling into the abyss below. 

Yesterday, you wrote a letter of responsibility that gave specific details about how your actions hurt your spouse. This letter’s natural progression is towards asking for, and granting forgiveness. You were asked to refrain from that for a very intentional reason: We usually do not consider the cost associated with granting and receiving forgiveness. Taking an extra day to consider what it would mean to forgive and be forgiven keeps you both honest to not escaping from the difficulty of the conflict. 

If you do not sit down and look at the abyss below and how one or both of you flirted with falling into it, you’ll be escaping from the conflict, not resolving it. Sit down and process what hurt, the fears it caused, the damage the actions caused or might have caused, and then forgive. Don’t forgive until you know specifically what you are forgiving. Good intentions don’t mean anything when hurts take place. That’s like saying “I wasn’t trying to fall off the cliff, I just happened to slip and there I was.” Truth be told, if you weren’t so flirty with the edge, an accidental slip wouldn’t have been so threatening.

The Lords prayer says, “forgive us our trespasses as we forgive those who trespass against us.” It’s a combo deal. If we have been forgiven, it is on us to forgive. When we forgive others, there are needs we have that will help keep us safe from similar issues arising in the future. Name those needs.  In our cliffhanger story, the one who rescues the fallen one will likely need them to stay pretty far away from the cliffside in the future … even if that’s the place that makes them come alive inside. 

Lastly, forgiveness is a lifestyle, not an event. Don’t forgive and move on. Remember it. Keep practicing it. Stay with the healing force of it. We must steward the gift of forgiveness, both in our receiving and in our giving of it.

Reflection Questions

  • What did I think about my spouse in reading today’s material? Was it kind? Was it thoughtful? Was it loving?
  • Did I have feelings, thoughts, questions, or stories that came to mind?
  • What is something I can do for them today?
  • How can I welcome and receive what they have done for me today?

Assignment
Part 1: In your life story, where have you experienced the most significant act forgiveness? What is that story?

Part 2: Think back to what was shared with you in the letter last night and answer these questions: What are the specific actions that you need to offer a hand of forgiveness? What are you needs about what you are forgiving? How can you make this act of forgiveness a lifestyle? 

EVENING

Hello! Welcome back. Great to see you again. How was your day?

Forgiveness is action that will free both you and your spouse from the chains of resentment. You cannot hold on to resentments if you give or receive forgiveness. This is why forgiveness involves letting go, and holding on. We let go of our individual safety, and hold on to our safety together.

Take 10-15 minutes tonight with your spouse to talk through your day. 

  • What were the highs and lows?
  • Where were you surprised? 
  • Was there anything different about your day because of the assignment(s)?
  • From this mornings reading, what stood out to you? 
  • If you’re willing, share your answers to the assignment. 

Assignment Connection
If you’re ready and able, ask or offer forgiveness to your spouse from what was said in the letter from yesterday. Also ask “how can I make this right?”

______________________________________

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Day 12: Responsibility

This post is a part of The 15-Day Relationship Challenge. If you’re just now tuning in, click here for the whole series.

MORNING
Responsibility! Taking Ownership.

Good morning. Welcome to Day 12! 

The first failure of humanity is recorded in Genesis chapter 3. After all the Earth was created and enjoyed, something terrible happens. The husband and wife are confused, and turn against each other and against God. There’s a chance for them to accept their failure, and they both point the finger and blame. 

Regardless of your religious background, that story gets repeated over and over and over again in almost every house, hut, and dwelling place on earth. We humans do not take kindly to being called on our faults, and do not typically humble ourselves to our failures. 

Responsibility is an ability to respond on account of an action taken. Typically what happens in our ability to respond is that we cast ourselves in the best possible light, and respond accordingly. If are faults, the major ones are with the other, and the minor ones are with myself. We complicate the problems of our failures when we don’t take responsibility. Like the creation story and the fall of Adam and Eve, when we are asked to account for our actions and we don’t, we must find a scapegoat. Typically in marriage, the scapegoat is our spouse. 

Do you remember from last week when we talked about family roles, and the role of the scapegoat? No one wants to be that person who is carrying the weight of all the families responsibility. That’s an impossible burden. The same is true for marriages, as well. No one wants to be blamed, yet we have been blaming each other since the very first blunder.

Blaming is hard-wired into our fibers as humans. Everyone is going to blame someone else, at many points of their life. Which means, it’s ok! Not “ok” in the excusable sense, but “ok” in the sense that it’s impossible to not blame. It’s going to happen, and that is ok. Sometimes we even blame ourselves out of self-pity and appear as though we’re contrite, but our self-pity keeps us from owning our failure to love. My question to you is how will you respond to someone blaming you, or your own blaming of someone else? Will you be victimized in it, or will you accept it as a human limitation? 

Responsibility is not about pointing fingers. It’s about holding your hands open and accepting what is yours to accept, and then humbling yourself in order to make amends for how you have wronged someone. 

The last two assignments have covered a lot of ground in your relationship: The highs, and lows. For all of us, the glorious and difficult landscape of marriage is vast. The aim for today is to get really specific about what you need to say or do about that vast landscape. It is in the specifics of the pain that we can take responsibility, resist the urge to blame, and account for our actions. Today begins the process of transformational healing that we all desire in our intimate relationships. 

Reflection Questions

  • What did I think about my spouse in reading today’s material? Was it kind? Was it thoughtful? Was it loving?
  • Did I have feelings, thoughts, questions, or stories that came to mind?
  • What is something I can do for them today?
  • How can I welcome and receive what they have done for me today?

Assignment
Of the stories that have been shared in this challenge so far, which one needs your care and attention? Which one needs you to move into humbly seeking responsibility for how you contributed to hurt or harm in your marriage? On an intensity scale of 1-10 try to pick a story in the middle (4-6 intensity). When you’ve identified that story, answer the following questions about the story: 

  • What happened? (describe the setting, events, actions. Be detailed. Fire your personal “PR Firm”, don’t try to make yourself look good)
  • What did you feel about what happened?
  • How did Anger, Shame, Guilt, Fear, and Sadness show up?
  • Who did you blame, point fingers at? 
  • In what ways did you hurt your spouse? 
  • What does it look like to make this right? 

After answering the above questions, it’s time to write a letter of ownership and responsibility to your spouse. This is not an apology letter, and it would be better if “I’m sorry” is not said at this time. (“I’m sorry” is often a way we escape the feelings of regret, guilt, and shame in regards to the poor choice(s) we have made.)

This letter does not need to include resentments or attacks at your spouses behavior, this is solely about you and your own actions. It does not need to justify your actions, or defend what you said or did. This letter does not need to be long, but it does need to be specific. Name with detail how your actions have hurt your spouse. If you do not know how you hurt them, ask God to show you, or humbly ask them to tell you.

When you’re done with the letter, keep it until you’re ready to share it later this evening (or when you and your spouse agree to share the letters together).

EVENING

Hello! Welcome back. Great to see you again. How was your day?

Today is a huge step for you and your relationship. Taking the time to remember painful stories, your own participation in them, and write a letter is a really courageous step for you to take.

Remember, we cannot heal what we do not acknowledge. Good on you for seeing and telling the truth. This would be a moment to make a monument on one of those rocks from Day 10. Celebrate courageousness in addressing these hurts in your relationship. 

Take 10-15 minutes tonight with your spouse to talk through your day. 

  • What were the highs and lows?
  • Where were you surprised? 
  • Was there anything different about your day because of the assignment(s)?
  • From this mornings reading, what stood out to you? 
  • If you’re willing, share your letter from the assignment. 

Some ground rules for this exercise: 

For the Reader – Go slow. You’re sharing a lot of potentially new insight and information here, give your spouse space to hear what you are saying. Sit across from them on the couch or in chairs, close enough to touch, but not close enough to make out (that’s fine for afterwards). When you’re done, give the letter to your spouse and let them ask questions and give feedback. Don’t apologize, don’t ask for forgiveness (That’s for tomorrow). 

For the Listener – Unfold your arms and legs, open your body to listen. Rest your hands palms up on your knees. Receive what is being given to you. Don’t interrupt. When they are finished, the first three things you comment on need to be encouraging and positive. Thank them for writing it, thank them for being intentional, thank them for caring about the marriage to do this exercise. You’re welcome to ask clarifying questions, but be careful. Do so with believing the best about them, not the worst. If you’re not in the right emotional space to do this, simply say thank you. 

Assignment Connection
Buy a blank journal from Amazon, and write letters of responsibility to each other when offenses happen. Follow the same process above. Let this journal be a story book to future generations about how you were committed to one another in ownership, grace, and mercy. 

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Day 11: Bless

MORNING
Bless! Our Losses

Good morning. Welcome to Day 11, Blessing what has been lost. 

There is an ancient tradition in the Japanese culture to repair a broken object. If a vase has been broken, it will be repaired with the appropriate materials. After it’s been repaired, a small object of gold is melted and carefully painted over the crack in the vase. When it is finished, the vase is put back where it belongs. The vase now tells a story of an accident or mishap, the care to repair it, and the beautiful gold etching that highlights what was once broken has now been restored. 

We would do well to care for the mishaps of our relationships in the same way. No relationship is free from the problems of life, and no relationship escapes the hurts that come from selfish people. And yet, we often ignore the broken parts of ourselves that have been repaired, blessed, and restored. Beauty from ashes.

When we refuse to accept the blessing (the gold etching over our brokenness) our spouse gives us, we demand contempt and this chokes out grace. Over time, this erodes both husband and wife in their ability to see what needs grace. 

Yesterday we talked about celebrating the wins of our relationships. Remembering the good and joy that has come from being on the same team. Today, it’s still about the team. Teams that lose together will stay committed together. Problems start getting out of hand when we leave the confines of the team and start blaming and pointing fingers. It’s natural to do so, but never really helps anyone that was a part of the loss. 

Our losses together need the care, attention, and blessing that the vase received in the story above. When we bless our losses, we accept them as necessary (albeit painful) experiences that teach us something about ourselves, our spouse, and about God. If we refuse to address the losses, we refuse to let something be healed in ourselves that only this situation might have been able to heal. 

I wish healing worked differently. I wish it always happened with an epidural, or while I sleep, or when I am away on vacation. But it doesn’t work that way. Healing requires that we be fully awake in the pain and the struggle. And glorious things happen when we are awake and alive to what we are asked to do, especially in marriage. 

Blessing our losses means that we have to move out from being the victim of to a participant with. Not that the loss was the result of our choice, but that our commitment to another person includes participating with them (and them with us) in the repair work that needs to be done. When we offer a blessing to something painful, we are choosing hope instead of despair, love instead of contempt, and companionship instead of isolation. 

It’s easy to desire the blessing when it is me that messed up. When we bless our spouse, we give them permission and an invitation to do the same for us when it is our turn. 

Reflection Questions

  • What did I think about my spouse in reading today’s material? Was it kind? Was it thoughtful? Was it loving?
  • Did I have feelings, thoughts, questions, or stories that came to mind?
  • What is something I can do for them today?
  • How can I welcome and receive what they have done for me today?

Assignment
What are 5 difficult stories/moments of your marriage that need a blessing? Answer these questions about each story: 

  • What happened?
  • What did I feel? 
  • How did I respond?
  • What was so difficult for me about this event?
  • What did I do with the pain I felt?
  • What would a blessing from me look like about this story? 

Give yourself some time to complete today’s assignment. You might need 30 or more minutes to appropriately answer the above questions. Be kind. Remember the celebrations from yesterday, not all is loss. Be careful with the difficult stories. It would be wise to go slow, and ask God to show you what you’ve been unwilling or blind to see about these stories before.

The goal of today’s assignment is to, as a team, find something of gratitude for the difficult experiences you’ve had together. This is not an exercise to excuse what has happened, or to enable it to happen again. It is to find a way to say “thank you” together for what has been present in your lives as a couple. Think and pray about how a “gold etching” could become part of these stories.

EVENING

Hello! Welcome back. Great to see you again. How was your day?

Yesterday I said that stories are awesome, and that is true for today as well. Even though the stories you got into today might not be the ones you want to remember, they need to see the healing light of day. 

Take 10-15 minutes tonight with your spouse to talk through your day. 

  • What were the highs and lows?
  • Where were you surprised? 
  • Was there anything different about your day because of the assignment(s)?
  • From this mornings reading, what stood out to you? 
  • If you’re willing, share your answers to the assignment. (Some words of caution about today’s content. Be kind, be careful, and be hopeful. Share your stories, but do so with a hope to reconcile and redeem, not to tear down and criticize. Go slow. Ask for what you need. Take a few days to do this part of the assignment if that’s what you need.)

Remember to offer grace and a blessing. The goal of today’s assignment is to, as a team, find something of gratitude for the difficult experiences you’ve had together. This is not an exercise to excuse what has happened, or to enable it to happen again. It is to find a way to say “thank you” together for what has been present in your lives as a couple. 

Assignment Connection
(Similar to yesterday’s assignment) Break a vase, repair it, etch it with gold. Fill the vase with rocks of blessings from difficult moments in your lives together. 

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Day 10: Celebrate

This post is a part of The 15-Day Relationship Challenge. If you’re just now tuning in, click here for the whole series.

MORNING
Celebrate! What we have accomplished. 

Good morning. Welcome to day 10, cellll-ebrate good times, c’mon! 

We’re at day 10, and in case you’ve missed how we got here, take a look at where we’ve been in this 15-Day challenge:
Day 1 – Hello! The gift of welcome. 
Day 2 – Roles. Where we come from.
Day 3 – Personalities. Who we are.
Day 4 – Top 5, Part 1. Keystone Stories of Loss.
Day 5 – Top 5, Part 2. Keystone Stories of Joy.
Day 6 – Growth. Who am I becoming?
Day 7 – Rest. Let all things be.
Day 8 – Remember Us. Our story. 
Day 9 – Grace. Sweat the small stuff. 

Today, we’re going to talk about celebrations.

Have you ever noticed that your photo albums are all full of pictures from happy moments? There may be a stray picture or two about something sad, but generally we take pictures of happy times. Why? I think it’s because we need more help remembering the good times. Difficult times stick to us like velcro, thus we don’t need help remembering those. It would do our lives good to think and reflect about the happy times as much, or more, as we do for the hard times. 

I often talk with couples about the relational problems that stem from competition. Competition means that there is a winner and a loser. No one likes to be a loser, and no one wants to be with a loser. So it’s really a lose-lose situation when competition is present in relationships. You might win the argument, decision, debate, but you will ultimately lose. Win the battles lose the war is a horrible strategy. So let’s talk about a different kind of strategy, and a different kind of winning. 

There are battles, and there is a war. The best strategy is to choose your battles, and fight together in the war. Unfortunately it’s easy to confuse our spouse as being the enemy. When this happens, competition is nearby. The real enemy are the threats and forces that are out to break the two of you apart. Societies thrive and prosper when families are in tact and committed to a common purpose together. There are threats a plenty that don’t want socieity to thrive, nor do they want your marriage to prosper. 

Teammates win together, and they lose together. When we get married we create and join a team together. We give up our individual rights, and together create new rights that serve the team, not just the individual. Tomorrow when we talk about losses, we need a foundation that allows us to grieve together the difficulties and losses in our relationship. 

Winning as a team means that we’re competing together against a common goal, a common enemy. When we win, it calls for celebrations to rejoice and remember the goodness that can be accomplished if we work together. Couples desperately need these monuments of good to remember and hold on to, especially when the storms of life show up and challenge us to the core. 

Reflection Questions

  • What did I think about my spouse in reading today’s material? Was it kind? Was it thoughtful? Was it loving?
  • Did I have feelings, thoughts, questions, or stories that came to mind?
  • What is something I can do for them today?
  • How can I welcome and receive what they have done for me today?

Assignment
What are the top 5 most celebratory moments of your marriage? Answer these questions about each story: 

  • What happened?
  • What did I feel? 
  • How did I respond?
  • What was amazing about this event?
  • What did I do with the joy I felt?

Give yourself some time to complete today’s assignment. You might need 30 or more minutes to appropriately answer the above questions. Be thoughtful, be kind, don’t rush through this assignment. 

EVENING

Hello! Welcome back. Great to see you again. How was your day?

Stories are awesome, and I hope you have some great stories to tell after today’s assignment. Stories give us hope, and help us and others express this hope in profound ways. I think this is why we love movies so much. 

Take 10-15 minutes tonight with your spouse to talk through your day. 

  • What were the highs and lows?
  • Where were you surprised? 
  • Was there anything different about your day because of the assignment(s)?
  • From this mornings reading, what stood out to you? 
  • If you’re willing, share your answers to the assignment. 

Assignment Connection
We need to remember these stories of goodness and joy. Go on a date together and visit a local home decor store.

You’re going to buy two things: A container and a bag of smooth rocks. The container needs to be small enough to fit on a shelf or table, but big enough to hold 25+ or so rocks about the size of a silver dollar. The rocks need to be smooth so that you can write on them. Look for river stones at the store (A store like TJ Max, At Home, JoAnns, etc) 

Go home, put the container in a visible place in your house. Take 5 rocks, and write a phrase on the rock that represents one story of celebration. Fill the jar with as many stories as you can. Continue filling the jar in the days, weeks, and years ahead. This is your monument jar.

In the future, when your relationship feels like it is “on the rocks,” take out the rocks and look at what is on them. You’ll be reminded of what goodness has happened, and what goodness can still happen.

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Day 9: Grace

This post is a part of The 15-Day Relationship Challenge. If you’re just now tuning in, click here for the whole series.

MORNING
Grace. Sweat the small stuff.

Good morning. Welcome to Day 9. Today is all about grace.

Several years ago, my wife and I were sitting around the room full of other couples. At the center of the room was the future bride and groom to be. Each couple would take turn answering this question: “What’s one piece of advice you wished someone would have told you about marriage?”

As the couples gave their answers, it covered the usually suspects: Letting things go; have lots of sex; don’t fight about money; and be quick to forgive. All in all, it was well meaning advice. The two couples that shared right before us essentially said the same thing, “don’t sweat the small stuff!”

When it was our turn to answer, my wife and I both said in unison, “show grace by sweating the small stuff!” We didn’t answer this as a rebuttal to the couples before us, but because of the importance of offering grace in relationship. We shared this advice because sweating the small stuff will help you heal the hurt, connect intimately, and get familiar with exchanging grace. Practice grace.

Showing grace implies forgiveness, acceptance, and a belief that your spouse is a better man/woman than what the offending action shows. It’s easy to get offended or hurt and turn away from them as protection. It’s hard to stay engaged and put hurt feelings aside and believe the best. Next time this happens in your relationship, offer grace by placing your hand on their shoulder or chest near their heart and say, “I don’t believe that you intended to hurt me, and that you do love and care for me.” 

When we pay attention to the little things that go awry in our relationship, we are exercising our grace muscles. When the big issues hit us, we’ve got a bunch of practice together that we readily give grace. If we don’t sweat the small stuff, two things will happen.  

First, we will become resentment machines. We’ll get hurt, brush it aside, and move on. But we’re really not brushing it aside, we’re either stuffing it or we are numbing out to the hurt. Neither of those are good options for relationships. Over time the stuffing makes us fat on resentment, and the numbing out makes us malnourished with indifference. 

As if resentments weren’t a big enough issue, the second problem with letting things slide is that we won’t learn about each other. Talking about 100 little things is going to give you both so much insight into how you relate to the world. With this insight comes a ton of future opportunities to love and care for your spouse.

Grace allows us to be in conflict, quickly find resolution for the conflict, and move into intimacy instead of isolation. 

Reflection Questions

  • What did I think about my spouse in reading today’s material? Was it kind? Was it thoughtful? Was it loving?
  • Did I have feelings, thoughts, questions, or stories that came to mind?
  • What is something I can do for them today?
  • How can I welcome and receive what they have done for me today?


Assignment
What “small things” have come up recently that you would like to practice giving grace to your spouse for? 
What is one way that you can make yourself available to regularly offer grace to your spouse? 

EVENING

Hello! Welcome back. Great to see you again. How was your day?

Grace is a beautiful act of kindness, but sometimes we take advantage of it. Be careful to not confuse grace and enabling behaviors. We can also think we’re giving grace when we’re actually enabling someone else’s disruptive behavior. A good rule of thumb for this grace and enabling has to do with the difference of hurt and harm. Hurt is something that happens in the regular coming and going of relationships. Harm is something that happens with intentionality as pay back, punishment, or power and control. 

Take 10-15 minutes tonight with your spouse to talk through your day. 

  • What were the highs and lows?
  • Where were you surprised? 
  • Was there anything different about your day because of the assignment(s)?
  • From this mornings reading, what stood out to you? 
  • If you’re willing, share your answers to the assignment. 

Bonus: Assignment Connection
Practice sweating the small stuff by bringing something up that was a “small event,” and be quick to forgive, and quick to resolve.

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Day 8: Remember Us, Our Story

This post is a part of The 15-Day Relationship Challenge. If you’re just now tuning in, click here for the whole series.

MORNING
Remember Us. Our story.

Good morning. Welcome to Day 8!

We’re taking a shift from focusing on you as an individual, to you two together as a couple. The next week will be a similar experience to last week, only the readings and assignments will be more directed to your relationship. These assignments might take you a little bit longer than last week, so just ask if you need more time to finish these well. If you missed any of the days/assignments from last week, now is a great time to pause the challenge here and get caught up. 

Today is about your relationship story. The story of us: How we came to be together. 

All great stories have similar themes, characters, and storyline. There’s the hero/heroine, a partner, villain, purpose/plot, the journey, struggles, hope lost, hope found, a guide, and happily ever after. These components of a great story are only great because we all live a similar story. 

We’re all embroiled in a fight of good vs evil, and in our context here today, we have a partner in this fight. Unfortunately in this fight, we mistake our partner for the evil and ourselves for the good. We’ll get to that later this week, but today we’re going to help you tell your story. There are three main parts you’re going to tell about your relationship: Origin, commitment, and passion. 

Your story involves this guy who met this girl, and they started finding reasons to spend more time together. Perhaps it was love at first sight (or fight!), or maybe you both came along for the ride unsure about the other person. Regardless you both had some first impressions that clearly didn’t dissuade you from getting together. 

Your story also involves some kind of promise to one another. A promise of commitment to, but also a promise of giving up others. Commitments to someone are only good insofar as you let go of the other someones you used to be committed to (parents, exes, self, possessions, etc). You might have used the phrase “forsake all others” and truly a better phrase doesn’t exist to describe the surrender of two people to one another. Fidelity means we live our lives on behalf of benefiting the other, in all manner of things. Most of us didn’t have a clue what we were committing to! 

Lastly, your story involves passion. Passion for each other. Passion for sex. Passion for love. Passion for the euphoric feelings of being together until all hours of the night. Just like fire, passion is a beautiful and powerful force. Left unwatched it can burn out of control, or lose it’s flames. Something has happened to your passion for one another and has turned into something like a raging wildfire to a pile of ashes with a barely felt presence of heat. Or perhaps you’re somewhere in between those two metaphorical places. Regardless of where you are, the story needs to be told. 

On our 15th anniversary I took my wife on a 3 hour car ride. We stopped at each of the significant landmarks (or representational landmarks for those out of state) in our relationship, and I read aloud the part of our story that took place there. It was a great for me to remember, as it was for her to hear. We both needed to remember where we had been, and where we were going. 

Today you’re going to answer the question of “where have we been.” What story will you tell? Dr. John Gottman says that happiness in couples increases when they choose to tell stories of positive past experiences together. Happiness decreases when these same couples tell negative stories from their past. I invite you to leave the negative experiences alone for another day, they probably won’t go too far away! 

Reflection Questions:

  • What did I think about my spouse in reading today’s material? Was it kind? Was it thoughtful? Was it loving?
  • Did I have feelings, thoughts, questions, or stories that came to mind?
  • What is something I can do for them today?
  • How can I welcome and receive what they have done for me today?

Assignment
Write your story. Take the 3 components discussed above, and write what comes to mind about these questions: 

Origin:

  • What do you remember most about the early dating days with him/her?
  • What’s something you’ve never told about that meeting?
  • Where was your first kiss?
  • What hope did you find for your life in your relationship together?
  • From a positive perspective, What do you miss about you, and about him/her, and about your relationship from those early days? (Note: this is not an opportunity to air resentments, or past hurts. Save that for another day)

Commitment:

  • When did you know you wanted to commit your life to him/her?
  • What was it like for you waiting for the right time to ask, or to be asked?
  • What didn’t you know about yourself then about commitment that you wished you would have known?
  • What was hopeful about your commitment together?

Passion:

  • What are the three most admirable traits about your spouse?
  • If you were stranded alone on an island for six weeks, what would you miss the most about your spouse?
  • What is a story of passion together that you never tire of telling?

EVENING

Hello! Welcome back. Great to see you again. How was your day?
Stories are awesome. They give us hope, they let us see things about ourselves, and they provide clarity on the battles we find ourselves facing. What isn’t named cannot be celebrated, nor can it be fought. I hope the story you worked on telling today has brought some life and hope into you and your relationship. 

Take 10-15 minutes tonight with your spouse to talk through your day. 

  • What were the highs and lows?
  • Where were you surprised? 
  • Was there anything different about your day because of the assignment(s)?
  • From this mornings reading, what stood out to you? 
  • If you’re willing, share your answers to the assignment. 

Assignment Connection
Write a note of gratitude for the work your spouse has put in to the challenge thus far. 

______________________________________

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Day 7: Rest

This post is a part of The 15-Day Relationship Challenge. If you’re just now tuning in, click here for the whole series.

MORNING
Rest. Let all things be.

In the creation story found in Genesis chapter two, it says this: “By the seventh day God had finished his work. On the seventh day he rested from all his work.” 

Rest is scarce in our culture today. We’re bombarded with advertisements competing for our attention (some estimate the average adult sees between 4 and 10 Thousand ads per day). We’re almost constantly available to social media, the internet, and to friends/family/colleagues. Work has replaced family and relationships as a primary focus for both men and women, and the average amount of time adults spend in front of their screens is staggering. It’s no wonder that depression and anxiety are on the rise, and our overall mental well being is so profoundly suffering. 

We know how to vacation (vacate), but we do not rest well. My experience in the idea of rest as a Sabbath day has led me to give up on it for long stretches of time. Quite frankly, rest is often too much work. I like feeling productive. I like accomplishing things. I like being able to get my own food, drink, or whatever else I “need” at the moment. It’s not natural to practice rest except when my body forces me to do so via sleep or getting sick. And even when I’m sick, it’s still hard to rest and not try and accomplish something. 

Rest is difficult because it challenges us to stop doing, and practice being. We’re human beings, not human doings (even though we spend more time doing than being). Rest is also a concept of play, which most of us adults don’t practice any more. If we do play, we require there to be a winner and loser, which turns play into work (competition). 

It was important enough for God to spend an entire day with rest. Perhaps this is an invitation for us to do the same. 

Chick-Fil-A might be the best example of a rhythm of rest in our culture. They are the number 2 fast food restaurant and they are always closed on Sundays. That’s a remarkable accomplishment. And this makes me wonder how successful we all might be if we shut our work down for an entire day each week.

What creativity would come about if we had time to pay attention, and listen? What relationships would prosper if we put down the screen, and played? What new growth would be discovered if we stopped working?

Reflection Questions

  • What did I notice about me in reading today’s material? 
  • Did I have feelings, thoughts, questions, or stories that came to mind? 

Assignment
Spend some time reflecting on the questions from the last paragraph above, and then answer these questions: 

  • What does play look like for you?
  • When have you felt like rest was a part of your regular routine in life?
  • How can you integrate rest into your life today?

EVENING

Hello! Welcome back. Great to see you again. How was your day? Was it restful? 

Congrats on finishing your first 7 days of the challenge! 

This morning we talked about rest and play, which are two difficult categories for us important adults. Rest does not have to be a huge production. It doesn’t need to be something we broadcast to all our social channels, but it does involve those closest to us.

Take 10-15 minutes tonight with your spouse to talk through your day. 

  • What were the highs and lows?
  • Where were you surprised? 
  • Was there anything different about your day because of the assignment(s)?
  • From this mornings reading, what stood out to you? 
  • If you’re willing, share your answers from the reflection questions.

Assignment Connection
We’re wrapping up the first week of this challenge, which has mostly been focused on you as individuals. Take some time to reflect over the past week and share some highlights of what you discovered about yourself, or your spouse. 

______________________________________

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Day 6: Growth

This post is a part of The 15-Day Relationship Challenge. If you’re just now tuning in, click here for the whole series.

MORNING
Growth. Who am I becoming?

Good morning. Welcome to Day 6. How is the challenge going so far for you? 

Growth happens in all kinds of ways. We grow physically, vertically and horizontally (unfortunately!). We grow mentally in our knowledge and wisdom. We also grow spiritually, emotionally, and relationally.

Not all growth is wanted. Sometimes, we grow in directions that we don’t like. This most often shows up physically, but we also grow in unwanted ways emotionally as well. This can include things like growing resentments, growing disapproval of others, or growing anger at the way life is turning out.

You may not have noticed, but if you’ve completed each day thus far, you’re already experiencing growth. Just like the season of winter, growth first takes place below the surface. It’s only in the spring when we see the fruits of what has been growing in the winter. If someone else is going through this process with you, they too are growing. 

Growing is a painful process. Do you remember the growing pains from childhood? I can remember waking up in the middle of the night with the spot behind my knees aching with pain. I wanted to grow, but I didn’t like how it was happening. And this is the dilemma for us all: We want the results without the pain of getting there. Unfortunately, pain is always a part of the growth process. 

There is a lottery for becoming a millionaire, but there is no lottery to become an emotional savant, or relational guru (or whatever the equivalent is to a millionaire). The only way to become who God has created us to be, is to do the work God has called us to do. Wendell Berry speaks beautifully about this work: “It may be when we no longer know what we have to do, we have come to our real work, and that when we no longer know which way to go, we have begun our real journey.”

In your current comings and goings in life, do you like who you are becoming? Do you like how you’re responding to stress, responsibility, and the other challenges of life as an adult? Do those closest to you like who you are, and who you are becoming? 

Unfortunately it is really easy to focus on who we don’t want to become (a parent, sibling, boss, or some other authority figure we had a poor experience with) because we’re really afraid of becoming like that person. The reality is we become like those with whom we surround ourselves with, and like those who we study.

Instead of focusing on who we don’t want to be, we need to focus on who it is that we’d like to become. This is where growth happens. When we see the work that it is going to take for us to get from who we are, to who we want to become. Do you know who you are trying to become?

Reflection Questions:

  • What did I notice about me in reading today’s material? 
  • Did I have feelings, thoughts, questions, or stories that came to mind? 

Assignment
Spend some time reflecting on the questions from the 2nd to last paragraph above, and then answer these questions: 

  • Who (or what) are you afraid of becoming? 
  • Who do you aspire to be like? 
  • What are 3 areas of growth you have seen in your life over the past few years? 
  • What prompted you to make these changes?
  • What changes do you want to make in the coming year?

EVENING

Hello! Welcome back. Great to see you again. How was your day? 

This morning we talked about growth and who we are becoming, and I hope you took some time to reflect on the reading and questions that were posed. 

Take 10-15 minutes tonight with your spouse to talk through your day. 

  • What were the highs and lows?
  • Where were you surprised? 
  • Was there anything different about your day because of the assignment(s)?
  • From this mornings reading, what stood out to you? 
  • If you’re willing, share your answers from the reflection questions. 

Assignment Connection
Pick a person that came up from your assignment (someone you want to be like, or not like), and share that story in as much detail as you’d like to share. 

______________________________________