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Testing Relationships

Depending on the age difference, kids test out their emotions on their siblings. Kids yell, hit, scream, cry, manipulate, shut down, lie, cheat, steal, and pout. They are working out how to be in relationships with themselves and the people they live with. 

These tests are pretty safe to run, because kids don’t get a choice to leave or stay. So there is a lot of latitude they have with how they treat one another. 

A lot of times these “tests” don’t go all that well. But it’s ok, because kids don’t really know what they are doing. That is not the case as adults. We will run off the people who are close to us if we keep testing them. 

At some level, we all keep running these tests with those closest to us, especially in our marriage. Yes, we’re adults, but we’re still trying to figure out ourselves, and life. 

If we continue these behaviors in our marriages, it will lead to us treating our spouse more like a sibling than a lover. 

What tests are you running in your marriage? What questions about yourself are you trying to answer by testing your relationships? 

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Relationship is Conflict

If you want to be in relationships, you have to learn how to do conflict. One of my mentors, Dan Allender, says it well: “All good communication leads to conflict.” Most of us believe that good communication will lead to consensus, not conflict.

The word “communicate” comes from the Latin word communicatus. This word has two parts: Communi (to inform, impart, or share.” and Catus (which means “care”). The heart of the word (and act) communication is to give care. 

Some experts estimate that over 70% of communication is non-verbal. This means that it’s nearly impossible to not communicate. We may not be communicating well, but we’re always communicating. Even if we’ve left the presence of a relationship, we are still communicating something in our leaving.

Conflict is the result of good “transmitting” (communication) of differing messages. The word “conflict” comes from the Latin word confligere which means “to strike together.” Notice this doesn’t say “to strike against each other.” The reason a lot of people, myself included, are afraid of conflict is because it usually feels like a “strike against” not a “strike together.” Unfortunately, avoiding conflict is only going to make it stronger the next time we face it.

Good communication that leads to conflict and then reconciliation is the foundation of a strong relationships. Communication that leads to unresolved conflict after unresolved conflict is what weakens relationships. This idea applies to all relationships: friends, spouse, family, work, professional, doctor, etc. 

If you want better relationships, you have to become better at striking together, not against. Start with how you communicate. Instead of communicating to receive something, try communicating to give something of care to someone you love. That might be the conflict that turns things around.

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No Trouble At All

Some time ago a friend asked me to help him sort through some technology issues with his phone and computer. My first career, and past hobby, was in technology so it came as no surprise that he’d asked for my help. After we’d finished the project, he said thank you and for the third time in that setting apologized for inconveniencing me. “Don’t be sorry, it was no trouble at all,” was my response.

I was a bit surprised by how quickly these words came out of my mouth. One of my pet peeves is when people apologize for things that need no apology. It wasn’t true. I’d taken time out of my day to help him with an issue that didn’t concern me. The truth was, it was an inconvenience. But it was an inconvenience that I was willing to give because I care about my friend. I wanted to help him. That’s what friends are for, right?

After realizing this wasn’t the truth, which wasn’t more than a couple of moments later, I corrected myself.

“Actually,” I said, “it was an inconvenience.” I paused to let those words linger for a moment and continued. “Saying otherwise isn’t truth, nor is it honoring to you and our friendship for me to pretend it wasn’t a big deal. Me giving you some of me, my time and energy, is one way I’m able to show you that I value our friendship.”

This led to a completely different conversation about self-worth, value, and why it’s difficult to accept love/care from others. It was an amazing conversation that never would have occurred had we both remained “nice” towards each other, exchanging the normal platitudes and pleasantries of a proper friendship. I don’t want proper friendships, I want deep ones.

Our conversation highlights a challenge in relationships: Telling the truth about the small things in life is hard. “It’s no big deal…” is such a simple, polite, and well meaning statement that all of us have made to another person. Too often saying something isn’t a big deal sabotages giving the gift of sacrificial love.

Telling someone “you’re not bothering me,” or “It’s no trouble at all” communicates that the request they are making is easy for you to accomplish. Spoken in regards to a task or to-do list, perhaps “no trouble at all” has some truth to it (especially if the request of you is something you’re gifted at doing). The limitation of this statement is that we deny showing the other person their importance in our lives.

We’re selfish people by nature. We want what we want, when we want it. As we mature, it takes discipline and proaction to act contrary to this natural tendency. So when someone asks something of us, we have to sacrifice our selfish desires for the benefit of the other—this is love. It may be minor in the sacrifice, such as helping a friend with a technology problem, but it is still a sacrifice. In order for trust and relationships to grow, we need to know that someone is willing to sacrifice themselves on our behalf. Without this understanding and experience, and we’re left to wonder if the other really sacrifices anything for us.

Letting someone know that we’re willingly choosing to sacrifice, be inconvenienced, and not hold it over their heads deepens relational intimacy. Little things piled together makes a big thing. Be proactive in your relationship to intentionally build a big thing of trust by celebrating the little things.

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The Fifteen Minute Date

Yesterday I wrote about why couples need to keep dating after they marry. Sometimes it’s been so long since a couple has had a meaningful conversation, they’ve forgotten how to do so.

When I say “forgotten” I don’t mean that they (or you, if this describes your relationship) don’t know how to talk together. It’s that they don’t have the memory together of a conversation going well. Perhaps conversations lead to the fights, and thus they avoid talking to keep from fighting. 

Regardless of the need, The 15-minute date is a great solution to kick-start a quiet relationship, guide a difficult conflict, or promote healthy boundaries in conversation.

This short-and-sweet fifteen minutes is structured so that both husband and wife get a chance to talk and listen. (The biggest problem in most marriages is not about communicating, it’s about listening). Both need to talk, and both need to listen. 

So here’s how the date works. It’s broken up into three 5-minute segments: 

  • Speaking
  • Reflecting
  • Responding

SPEAKING
The person who asks for the date get’s to speak first. They get the floor to speak about whatever they need to for 5 minutes. Set a timer and hold to the boundary of this time. The listener is to listen only, no talking. 

REFLECTING
At the end of the 5 minutes, restart the clock and the listener is allowed to ask follow up questions, and reflect back what they heard (not the interpretation) the speaker say. This is space is still about the speaker, and their needs.

RESPONDING
For the final 5 minutes, the listener gets a chance to respond to what has been said, what has not been said, and to offer any feedback or conciliatory ideas to the original speaker.

At the end of the fifteen minutes, stop the dialogue and let it rest. Take at least 15 minutes to let what has been said and what has been heard to metabolize. If you’re in a good place to revisit the topic, ask to see if the other is open to revisiting. 

Guidelines for the date: 

  • The best time and place for this date is when distractions are at a minimum. 
  • No screens, kids, books, or music. 
  • Try to do it in a private setting. 
  • Use caution if either is Hungry, Angry, Lonely, Tired (Acronym for HALT).
  • Start with something positive about the other person, or the relationship. 
  • Seek to end the date with peace and kindness.

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Keep Dating

After a couple marries, one of the first things to go in their relationship is dating. Most couples stop the very thing that helped them fall in love in the first place. And from a rational standpoint, it makes a lot of sense. 

Before you got married, you had separate lives, interests, and routines. Dates were a way that you could connect your separate lives, and create some shared experiences. 

Now that you’re married, you don’t have the separate lives you used to. Now, you go to sleep together, wake up together, and come home around the same time. Together. There are lots of experiences together. 

You might be asking, “why do we need to go on dates now that we spend all this time together?”

The answer is quite simple. You need dates to remember why you fell in love, and to create new experiences to strengthen your love.

If you don’t spend time investing in your relationship, it’ll atrophy.

Relationships don’t grow without attention, and more importantly, intention. Dating is a way to intentionally pay attention. (If you’re a guy reading this, your wife will 100% agree with me that getting asked out by her husband is sexy.)

Go on a date once a week, or at the very least twice a month. Pick a night, get a babysitter that you can count on, and take turns planning what you do on your date. 

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When in Conflict: Take Your Shoes Off

The next time you find yourself in conflict with your spouse, take your shoes off. Seriously.

Conflict in your marriage is holy ground. It’s where our life story shows up at a primal, non-verbal level. Our bodies remember things our words can’t describe. We offer silence and respect when entering a place of reverence. Conflict is this place of reverence.

Taking your shoes off puts your feet in bare contact with the physical ground, and terrain. You’re more sensitive to what you’re walking on without your shoes. You will walk slower, with more caution. If you are aware of it, this practice will help you to be more sensitive to what you’re wading into emotionally with yourself, and your spouse.

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Day 5: Marriage & Thanksgiving

In light of this being the American week of Thanksgiving, I’ll be writing about the power of gratitude in marriage, and the encouragement it gives to relationships.
Day 1: The Gratitude Jar
Day 2: Gratitude Prayer
Day 3: Gratitude Letter
Day 4: A Touch of Gratitude

The Lifestyle of Gratitude

Step 12 in the Big Book of AA says this: “Having had a spiritual awakening as the result of these steps, we tried to carry this message to alcoholics, and to practice these principles in all our affairs.”

Too often we look at marriage as the “thing” that will bring us the peace and happiness that we’ve always longed for. This need is not wrong, but our passivity and relationship to marriage as though it’s a vending machine is what gets us in trouble.

Great stuff starts happening when we move from looking at marriage as a transaction to a relationship we have to grow. 

The 12-step process is a lifestyle, not a short term event. 

It’s the same is true for gratitude and marriage. 

We must surrender and practice gratitude in order to grow even more gratitude. We must also give it away to others. I’ve seen a surrender to the gratitude process create a spiritual and relational awakening in a lot of people. They then carry that message to their children, friends, and communities. 

The gratitude jar, letter, prayer, and touch that I’ve written about this week are just a few ideas to begin of a gratitude lifestyle. Take these ideas and make them your own. Create new ones. Share them with me, and with others.

Who else in your life needs the blessing of gratitude?

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Day 4: Marriage & Thanksgiving

In light of this being the American week of Thanksgiving, I’ll be writing about the power of gratitude in marriage, and the encouragement it gives to relationships. 
Day 1: The Gratitude Jar
Day 2: Gratitude Prayer
Day 3: Gratitude Letter

A Touch of Gratitude

Often the way our brain works can get in the way of receiving verbal thanks from someone we are close to. Our emotions aren’t processed with words, they are more closely processed with non-verbal intuitions. Something akin to describing the color “red” to a blind person. 

Sometimes the disconnect in our relationships is beyond what words can heal. We can say a hundred times what we’re thankful for about the other person, but they might not cognitively be able (from a brain functioning standpoint) to metabolize what those words mean. Enter touch. 

I’m not just talking about physical touch, I’m also talking about the touch of kindness. 

Yes, touch is primarily associated with our skin, but we most often touch people first with our eyes. Proverbs 30:17 says “The eyes are the window to the soul.” Our eyes tell the story before our bodies or words ever start following suit.

Think about it: What would your wife/husband say is the story of your first touch in the morning? Evening?

Touching with gratitude through our eyes involves delight, curiosity, kindness, warmth, openness, vulnerability, and invitation. The touch of invitation will break down the barriers of coldness, resentment, and hurt more so than any “I’m sorry” (or worse, “get over it”) will ever be able to do.

Offer gratitude to your wife/husband today with your eyes. And if it doesn’t “work,” stop trying to get it to work, and just offer the gift of gratitude with your eyes … and then watch what happens. 

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Day 3: Marriage & Thanksgiving

In light of this being the American week of Thanksgiving, I’ll be writing about the power of gratitude in marriage, and the encouragement it gives to relationships. 
Day 1: The Gratitude Jar
Day 2: Gratitude Prayer

Gratitude Letter

John Gottman says that it takes five positive interactions to counteract every one negative interaction a couple has. Yes, you read that right. 5 to 1.

This five-to-one ration takes work! You actually have to intentionally pay attention to how you can make positive deposits, because the negative withdrawals are so easy and commonplace for us selfish humans. 

Your wife/husband needs to hear from you what you like about them. 
Without technology (cameras, mirrors, etc) it is impossible for us to accurately see two parts on our bodies: Our face, and our backside.

God created us in his image (our face), and our rebellion keeps us from seeing (or wanting to see) our backside. It’s too easy in marriage to point out “the backside” of our spouse. We need to offer a loving balance of what we see in them. (Use the 5:1 ratio as a “loving balance”).

When was the last time you put pen to paper to express gratitude and thanksgiving for your spouse? I find that this act rarely happens after a couple says “I do.” 

It doesn’t have to be a 4-page letter with hearts and roses attached to it. Grab a piece of paper, and write 5-7 sentences about your wife/husband.

Be specific.

Tell them what you admire about them. Tell them something glorious about themselves that they struggle to believe.

Shower them with praise. 

Tell them why you’re thankful for them.

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Day 2: Marriage & Thanksgiving

In light of this being the American week of Thanksgiving, I’ll be writing about the power of gratitude in marriage, and the encouragement it gives to relationships.
Day 1: The Gratitude Jar

Gratitude Prayer & Meditation

Sometimes gratitude in marriage is impossible to find. In these times we need more help than a blog post, counselor, or friend can give us. 

Here is a prayer for couples who are struggling to find thanksgiving in their relationship. If this doesn’t fit your situation, write your own.  

Humble God,
We lack gratitude for one another, and we withhold from each other
the abundance of good things you have given us. 

This is not the way we remember being together, in happier times past. 

How is it that we have gotten so far away from each other? 
Why is it so hard for us to be open and honest? 
Why is this pain we feel with each other so intense? 

We’re sure someone told us this might happen, but we didn’t listen. 
“Not to us!” we would say. 
Our love felt different than what we saw in others. We were so grateful for each other.

It felt special, and perhaps so unique that we didn’t even need you. 
As long as we had this intoxicating love, we were ok. 

Now, we are without this love. 
In it’s place is coldness, hurt, resentment, and fear.
We feel without each other, and without you. We need help.

Where do we go from here? 
Are we able to go back to that land of special love with each other? 

We are looking too hard for a way back into the Garden. To what once was, but now isn’t. 
The place we did not responsibly take care of. The place we blamed each other and you.

Please give us the courage and compassion with each other to tend to this new place we find ourselves.
We need a new vision how to be together, and who it is you want us to become. 

We cannot do this without your help. 
Amen.

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