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The Viewpoint 1.3

The Viewpoint

Vol 1 Issue 3

  1. Book Review: Digital Minimalism

    We are increasingly being bombarded with more and more technological inventions. Sure, some of these technologies do make life easier, but there is a lot of digital clutter in our lives. My main concern is that we’re becoming less human the more we interact with computers (programed by humans).

    If you’re concerned about technology habits in your life, this is a good book to get you started on better boundaries. (Andy Crouch’s book, “The Tech Wise Family” is more geared towards families. That is also a good book on this topic.)

  2. The Relationship in your Brain

    Some interesting thoughts here from Fast Company about how to help our brains work in solving problems during emotionally difficult situations. The two parts of the brain that are at fighting for resources/energy: The limbic (fight or flight — our “autopilot” survival system) and the prefrontal cortex (strategy, reasoning, thoughtfulness). When we’re stressed, in conflict, or feel like we’re in danger, the limbic system takes over in order for us to survive. Especially in relationships that matter, this is not a viable long term solution.

    The author talks about two key warning signs that we have moved into autopilot: Blame shifting, and negative assumptions. Both of these behaviors are about survival. The main problem with a survival first reaction: Everything and everyone is a possible threat. We may not cognitively think this, but our brain is reacting this way. I see this reality all the time in my work with couples. It is so easy to hear the threat and so difficult to actually listen to what’s being said.

    When we go to the gym to lift weights, we are building muscle and endurance. The same concept is true for relationships. When we exercise setting aside our need for survival, we can grow in our ability to operate in both the limbic and prefrontal cortex in our life and relationships.

  3. Leaving Social Media

    Do you have FOMO (fear of missing out)? Can you imagine never again logging into facebook, instagram, snapchat, or twitter? This is a great op-ed about why this author decided to leave social media.

    I’ve spoken and written about this before, but the great lie that social media promises is a more connected life. What it delivers is a more informed life at the cost of true connection with others. Humans don’t have the capacity to handle being omniscient (all knowing). That is a God attribute. Some studies are showing that anxiety/depression are linked to an increased use of social media.

    The bottom line is that we all need better boundaries (on sex, food, work, social media, etc), which makes for better relationships in our lives.

  4. Beauty From the Ashes

    I’m sure you heard about this, but it is a story that is worth retelling. A Dallas police officer enters the wrong apartment, shoots and kills a man, and has just recently been convicted of murder and sentenced to 30 years in prison. The public got a surprise at the hearing when the victims brother took to the stand to say some final worlds to offender. This is an amazing picture of grace and mercy. Watch the video here.

The Viewpoint is a weekly roundup of content I have come across throughout the week that is worth reposting. This content will often be an article or a book I’ve recently read, or something else that is of cultural significance. One of my good friends talks about the word “viewpoint” as nothing more than a view from a point. When we change our point of view (or sometimes the point of our view — which is a different issue altogether), we can see differently. Relationships grow when we are open to changing our view.

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The Viewpoint 1.2

The Viewpoint

Vol 1 Issue 2

  1. Book Review: The Productive Narcissist

    The Productive Narcissist is a catchy title for a book that addresses a deeply complicated topic. Michael Maccoby, the author, is a long time therapist and consultant to executive leadership teams and companies. He brings a unique understanding to the challenges of Narcissism, and gives plenty of examples of these challenges from real world visionary leaders (Oprah, Bill Gates, Steve Jobs, etc). He also adds more detailed examples of his professional work with leaders and companies.

    His premise is that dynamic visionary leaders are Narcissistic in nature. The challenges that visionary leaders create either make them productive or unproductive in how they lead. Michael does a great job outlining the challenges that come inside organizations with a Narcissist at the helm. These challenges often create a perpetual chaos that is difficult to manage for others in their organization. Michael also talks about the different personality types that Narcissists attract to carry out the mission.

    This is a helpful book to read if your interested in learning more about narcissism, or more importantly if you have a narcissistic person with whom you are in close relationship. That might be a relationship in the work setting (boss or co-worker), a marriage/partner, or with a family member. Throughout the book, he gives practical tips and strategies for how to engage a narcissist, specifically in the workplace. More important than the tips, I think this book challenges the reader to have compassion for the narcissist in their life. It was good for me to read this book and remember what Plato said: “Be kind, for everyone you meet is fighting a fierce battle.”

    (It is worth noting the significant difference in someone with narcissistic personality disorder [NPD] and someone who has narcissistic traits. As imperfect humans, we all have narcissistic tendencies: Me first, grandiosity in the heights of our amazingness or in depths of our badness, and other traits. These tendencies don’t mean someone has NPD, which is why I recommend caution in using labels to describing someone’s character.)

  2. Study Shows Pressure Girls Receive from Boys to Send Sexualized Images.

    The NY Times ran an op-ed based on a recent study of 500 High School girls. The study found that only 8% wanted to send sexually implicit images to a boy. The rest (92%) of the girls did so out of being coerced, fear of conflict, or to acquiesce. Further research showed that boys are four times more likely than girls to ask for sexually explicit photos to be sent.

    I walked away from reading this article remembering how important it is to talk with both our girls and our boys about the dangers of technology and sex. The Netflix show “13 Reasons Why” does a great (though difficult at times) job of illustrating the negative impact illicit images can have on a teen community. The bottom line: We need to talk with our boys about not requesting the images, and we need to talk with our girls about not sending them.

  3. Parents Model Appropriate Technology Use

    Who needs a babysitter when you’ve got an iPhone? This article from NPR offers some practical tips on being a parent with technology. Before we start instructing our kids about their technology use, we need to look in the mirror.

    How much we’re on our phones while we are with our kids might have a lot to do with why they are on their phones so much. Consider having family boundaries around technology use in the evenings between dinner and bedtime. Alternatives to technology use (which is almost never communal in nature) that can foster memories and relationships: Puzzles, board games, neighborhood walk/hike, or exercise. Kids imitate the parents’ actions, not necessarily what the parents tell the kids to do.

  4. Wonder

    I’d read the book “Wonder” several years ago, which I’d highly recommend, but hadn’t watched the movie until last weekend. From start to finish, this is a fantastic movie that will stir up a lot of questions and conversations for both kids and adults alike. Wonder brings up themes of bullying, disabilities, identity, the family roles we play, loneliness, the pain of parenting, and the power of friendships.

    There was one scene that was particularly moving to me. The mom, played by Julia Roberts, is talking to Auggie (her son with a significant facial deformity) about his wish to be normal looking. It’s a powerful scene, made even more powerful when she touches her finger to his chest/heart and says, “this is the map of where you’re going, and your face is the map of where you’ve been.” A beautiful reminder to pay less attention to what we look like and more attention to who we are and who we are becoming.

The Viewpoint is a weekly roundup of content I have come across throughout the week that is worth reposting. This content will often be an article or a book I’ve recently read, or something else that is of cultural significance. One of my good friends talks about the word “viewpoint” as nothing more than a view from a point. When we change our point of view (or sometimes the point of our view — which is a different issue altogether), we can see differently. Relationships grow when we are open to changing our view.

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The Viewpoint 1.1

The Viewpoint is a weekly roundup of content I have come across throughout the week that is worth reposting. This content will often be an article or a book I’ve recently read, or something else that is of cultural significance.

One of my good friends talks about the word “viewpoint” as nothing more than a view from a point. When we change our point of view (or sometimes the point of our view — which is a different issue altogether), we can see differently. Relationships grow when we are open to changing our view.

The Viewpoint

Vol 1, Issue 1

  1. You Are What You Watch?
    This article from the NY Times covers several interesting topics about the rise of television consumption. It’s a fascinating read that covers a lot of ground. The two topics of most interest to me were the social science research done about children and Sesame Street, and the affects on someone’s IQ based on the amount of TV watched.

    Television has changed dramatically in the last 5 years. On demand content and streaming services have created a massive library of accessible information and entertainment. As with any technological advance, the danger is in the use of the system without boundaries. I’m especially concerned for our kids and their parents marriage. The television (screens) offers the safest place of escape from relational hardships, and what we watch is impacting us far more than we realize.

  2. Fatal Stabbing Recorded by Dozens of Onlookers.
    Sad news this week out of New York about a fight that broke out amongst some High School students one evening that turned into a deadly stabbing. The troubling part of this story comes from the details that “dozens” (from the 50-70 that were present) other kids were watching and video recording the young man bleeding to death in the parking lot. Some of these bystanders live streamed the event, and others posted the video to their social media accounts. Share this story with your age appropriate teenagers (if your child has a smart phone, they are old enough for this story), and talk about what happened.

  3. Comedian Impersonates Tom Cruise
    I’m sure you’ve seen the gifted comedians that impersonate celebrities. It’s awesome to hear them talk like a famous person. What’s not awesome is to watch a video of an impersonation, and their face change to match the person they are impersonating. It took me several times watching this video to figure out what I was seeing was both real, and fake. First, watch this video, then keep reading.

    This is a technology that allows faces to be manipulated in a video. Think of it like photoshop for videos. This might not be news to you that something like this can be done, it wasn’t to me. But what was news to me was how subtle and real this appeared. After watching this, I’m really concerned with how this kind of technology can be used (and weaponized).

    Our society is losing it’s grasp on what truth it can stand on. There are significant implications now that videos can be manipulated to subtly appear as though “Tom Cruise” is sitting on that couch. With so much of our lives centered around a screen of some kind, how do we know what is real or what is fake? It is becoming increasingly important for real, face to face relationships to be a significant part of our lives. The less real relationship we have, the more we are going to be subjected to on screen manipulations (words, news, videos, etc).

Thanks for reading this week’s version of The Viewpoint. If you’ve read something of interest, please let me know. Thanks and have a great weekend.

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Making Room in Your Family

Earlier this fall I was asked to share some practices and habits our family does that help to make room for relationships. So much of family life is dictated by events and schedules that we often miss out on relationship building with our spouse or kids. Here are a few of the ideas I shared. Disclaimer: by no means does my family have it figured out, rather we are figuring it out as we go. Our kids are all under 12, so I expect these ideas to expand/evolve as our kids grow up.

We think of making room in our family in two sections: Work/school week, and weekend.

During the school week we attempt to eat together as a family as often as possible. We don’t allow technology or other distractions (books, TV, toys, iPods, phones, etc) to be at the table and we try to have conversations about our day. It usually begins with discussing our high and lows. It almost always includes at least one of our four kids trying to sabotage our efforts. I did the same thing as a kid, so I can’t blame them. Conversations are “boring,” as my kids put it.

We, my wife and I, limit our personal technology use. We try not to use technology (tv, phones, etc) while the kids are awake during the “school nights.” It’s really easy to want to come home, turn on the TV and check-out. The “screen” has become the biggest influencers of relationships.

For the kids, there is no tv, no video games, or other technology use on school nights. This helps the kids to focus on the homework but also allows for us as parents to play or relate to them in whatever it is they have going on.

On the weekend:

We don’t police tech use on Saturday. It’s the day to play video games, watch a cartoon in the morning, and let the kids be kids in this modern day and age. Surprisingly, whenever we ask the kids to turn their iPods off on the weekend, they rarely complain. They intuitively know that too much technology is not a good thing.

We have made Sunday until Noon our time of rest. We generally stay in bed and have all the kids with us after they wake up until breakfast. We lounge around together in our pj’s, reading, playing board games, legos, or something else that is open for everyone (Our kids range from 3-11 with one girl and 3 boys).

Sunday mornings are the few hours of the week that Stephanie and I feel the most present and available with our kids. It’s my favorite time of our week because there are no agendas, the kids know we’re not doing anything outside of being together as a family.

Lastly, one of our favorite practices together is sitting by a fire. We have the benefit of a big backyard that allows us to build a great campfire. Usually 2-3 times a month during the spring and fall we are outside sitting around the fire together. It is probably the single most influential relational time that we have together as a family. The fire sparks so many conversations and openness between all of us. The fire is one of those things that unites people. I’m not entirely sure why that’s the case, but it slows us all down.

The main idea we have come up with for our family is the limiting of technology. There are very few places we humans can go where technology is not surrounding us. If you as a parent don’t do anything else with you kids but eat dinner together, and limit their technology use, you’ll be in rare company.