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Quarantine Parenting Part 1: Your Parenting Style

Our style of parenting has a lot to do with our story of how we were or were not parented. How we were parented created an “attachment style” in us. These attachment styles were first developed by John Bowlby almost a century ago. His work is a guiding principle in my work as a therapist and how I engage others in their story.

How we relate and attach to others (namely our kids) has a lot to do with our attachment style, of which there are four. They are: Secure; Avoidant; Anxious; and Anxious-Avoidant (Disorganized).

Attachment Styles

Avoidant. They have a high drive for independence. They are often self-referencing (the need to have space apart from others to find and know what they think and feel). There is little trust in others, and they don’t have a strong need to be close to others. Their relationships generally provide the stress, not the comfort. “It’s not ok, and I’m only ok on my own.” Fears relational consumption. 

Anxious. There is a high degree of dependency on others. They have a difficulty being on their own a part from important relationships (or, sometimes, any relationship). They are others referencing and trusting, with very little trust in self, high need for others. They themselves generally provide the stress, and they need their relationship to feel comforted. “It’s not ok, and I’m only ok when I’m with you/others.” Fears relational abandonment.

Anxious-Avoidant. This is the style that often feels chaotic to the self, and to others. It’s marked by a “disorganized self” that fluctuates often. They have a difficulty connecting with others for long periods of time. “I’m not ok, we’re not ok, and I don’t really know what is ok.” Fears relational consumption and abandonment. 

Secure. These people are interdependent. They understand at an emotional level that they need others, but that they also are ok if others are not available. They have a high degree of autonomy. The “self” is defined and organized regardless if they are alone or with others. “It’s not ok, and I’m ok.” Fears abandoning or consuming others. 

Most of us primarily fall into the first two categories and because we’re not static human beings, we often have a mixture of all of these styles. Some relationships will trigger a different style in us, which can sometimes feel really confusing. These are fantastic categories to help you understand yourself better, but also very helpful to know what’s behind the curtain in terms of how you interact with your children. The more we understand ourselves, the less we will need our kids to take care of us.

Parenting Styles

The styles of parenting draw a parallel line to the attachment styles I wrote about above. The four parenting styles are: Withdrawn; Hyperactive; Confused; and Comfortable.

Withdrawn (Avoidant)

  • High on shame, low on fear.
  • Keep kids at arms length. Fear getting close to them, or them getting close to you.
  • Often parents our of a “hit and run” style. 
  • Emotionally distance themselves children to keep from feeling consumed.
  • Intimacy requires togetherness which comes at a loss of independence. Prefers to be independent than together.
  • Kids often feel alone with withdrawn parents, and cannot depend on them. Emotionally unavailable for 
  • Communicates with logic more often sounding like a professor than a caregiver.
  • Flatter range of emotions. Difficulty knowing what they feel. 
  • Often stuffs emotions, then explodes in reaction to something small.
  • Rises to the occasion in stress, chaotic situations. Cool under pressure. 
  • Detached and aloof.

Hyperactive (Anxious)

  • High on fear, low on shame.
  • Often referred to as the “Helicopter Parent”. Can be controlling and the dominant figure in the home.
  • Emotionally consume children to keep from being abandoned.
  • Communicates with raw emotion and tends towards bigger expressions
  • Wide range of emotions. 
  • Insecure in parenting approach. Need kids approval and comfort to feel better. Preoccupied with needs of self.
  • Communicates with dominance, lacks collaboration in problem solving. 
  • Does not do well with quiet. Activity is better than sitting around. 
  • Inconsistent and anxious.

Confused (Anxious-Avoidant)

  • High shame and fear.
  • Trauma from own childhood creates instability in relationship with own children. 
  • Chaotic emotional involvement with children.
  • Often blows up with the kids for no apparent reason.
  • Moody. Able to swing from one extreme to the next without warning.
  • Lack compassion or empathy for children. Blame children as reasons for own sufferings/pain.
  • Can be personality disordered (Narcissistic, Borderline) that results from unresolved trauma. 

Comfortable (Secure)

  • Appropriate shame and fear.
  • Able to connect with children around their needs
  • Willing and able to ask for help and rely on partner or others to meet children’s needs. 
  • Communicates effectively, adjusting strength and tenderness based on each child’s unique makeup.
  • Ok with kids being kids. Does not need them to be the grown up. 
  • Manages self and emotions well, does not rely on others to “rescue” them, especially the children. 
  • Seeks forgiveness, and has a willingness to repair hurts. 

Like I mentioned earlier, we all have components from all four styles, but we tend to act out of a single style. You might have different answer to this question than your spouse. That’s ok, discuss and learn what they see differently than you do.

Based on these descriptions, what parenting style best fits you? What parenting style best fits your spouse?

Dad’s primary style: ________________________
Dad’s secondary style: ________________________
Mom’s primary style: ________________________
Mom’s secondary style: ________________________

Take 5 minutes and discuss these styles, what’s coming up for you about this, and where you’d like to improve.

On Monday in the series, I will share an assessment tool for your kids to help you uniquely parent each one of them individually. Most of parenting is learning how to get out of your own way, this will be a tool that will help you do this.

Want to learn more about your parenting style and get some personalized help for how you’re parenting your kids? Consider setting up some parenting coaching sessions.

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Marriage and Lent

Lent is the penitential season of the church calendar that usually involves fasting (or giving up) something that gets in the way of your relationship with God. This season prepares the way for Good Friday, and the celebration of Easter Sunday. One of my good friends is a pastor, and he wrote this as an invitation entering this Lenten season: 

“Is there an area of your life where you would like to experience more healing? Consider picking a fast or adopting a discipline that creates space for healing in that area. I’ve heard of people giving up sarcasm or cynicism as well as others who read a poem a day to increase space for God’s beauty and joy.”

– Danny Bryant

Most wouldn’t be surprised to hear of someone giving up sweets, alcohol, or junk food during Lent. It’s safe to say that these sugary and fatty substances are not good for our physical health. What many of us don’t know about are the types of relational “junk food” we consume every day. All marriages are either growing, or dying, there is no in-between.

There might be places in your marriage that are keeping growth from happening. This Lenten season might be a time to fast from those activities or actions that are negatively impacting your marriage. Things like social media, tv show binging, and other “on-screen” activities all take time away from important relationships. Then there are more relationally focused actions that hurt space for beauty and joy like criticism, shaming, and words/actions of contempt towards your spouse.

Sometimes we have to stop an action first before something better can have space to show up.

What is something you can give up that would open you to God’s beauty and joy in your marriage?

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Practice Empathy

Empathy is the ability to imagine (or understand) what someone else is experiencing in their life. Authentic empathy is a huge ingredient in a close and impactful relationship. But how do we develop empathy? 

A quick Google search revealed pages and pages of tips for developing empathy, such as “Three steps to more empathy”, and “Do these twelve things to develop empathy.” If you want more steps than the one I’m going to talk about below, Google is your friend! 

There is only one way that I know how empathy is developed: You have to practice it.

As with anything that doesn’t come naturally to us, we have to practice it. You’re not good writing with your non-dominant hand? The only way to become better is to practice writing with it. 

Practice makes progress, not perfection.

Practice empathy in your car driving to work. Imagine the different stories that people are facing as they head into work. Try this: If someone cuts you off, or cuts in line, resist the finger or the outburst …instead, tell their story aloud. Perhaps they got a call that someone important to them is ill, or that their child was dropped off at the wrong bus stop. Those would be legit reasons to cut you off. 

Practice with people that you don’t know. Ask them questions that will help you understand what challenges they are facing.

Read a novel. Studies have shown that reading fiction exercises our empathy muscles as we get to look inside a character’s experiences that isn’t a threat to our own ego. (As an aside, the Ego is enemy of empathy. The two with fight against each other)

Your empathy muscle needs exercise. Exercise it to become empathically strong so that when you need it the most, you’ve got it.  

When we empathize we put our egos aside and share the space with equally important people. We’re all on this same planet, trying to do our best, working things out in our odd ways often times bumping or crashing into one another along the way. It’s messy, but it’s good.

Empathy makes space for everyone in the mess. How can you practice empathy today?

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Shame

The best explanation I have heard for shame is a simple acronym: 
Should 
Have 
Already 
Mastered 
Everything

It’s the feeling that tells us to figure things out on our own. Don’t ask for help. Don’t admit weakness or needs. Keep the facade up, act like you know what the topic of conversation is about. Shame is a master at keeping secrets (where addictions come from). It will hold you in hiding until you feel like you’re enough. When you’re supposed to be a master of everything, there’s no grace or forgiveness for messing up anything.

On the flip side, shame tells us that we have limits, that we are not God. Which, if you can accept it, is a really freeing feeling. There is a God, and that is not me, which means I don’t have to have it all figured out. I can master some things, but only a mastery that a human can achieve, not the mastery of what God can achieve. Admitting this will lead to an ability to ask for help.

What do you need help with in your life?

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The Gospel of Porn

The allure and promise of porn is simple. It’s about acceptance. It tugs at our need to be saved. Rescued. Our need for salvation.

Porn says, “You can come as you are. You are welcome here. Alone. Tired. Afraid. Ashamed. No problem, You’re ok here.” 

Usually not really knowing what you are looking for, it promises to take care of you. 

It welcomes you. There is no judgement from anyone on the screen. No forgiveness needed because you are good and there is nothing wrong with your desires. Just keep searching, clicking, and watching. 

Porn holds you and tells you that whatever you are searching for, you can find it here. It whispers, “you’re not lost anymore.” This is the mastery of porn. It hits on a desire that we all have: To be found. Not lost anymore. Accepted. Welcomed with excitement and anticipation, without judgement, with open arms.

Porn offers no rejection. It always says: “Yes!” Accepting whatever you ask, faster than you can ask.

But in the end, you will leave. You’ll walk away alone. Tired. Afraid. Ashamed. Lost. Cold. And not ok.

Do you know what or who you’re searching for? 

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Pressure Treated Relationships

Pressure shows up two ways in relationships: Couples who put pressure on each other, and couples who have been have been pressure treated together. It’s the difference between an insecure relationship and a secure one.

Insecure relationships put a lot of pressure to “say or get it right” because the individuals aren’t yet good at taking care of each other. If one fails to “get it right” it’s known there won’t be much grace available. So they have to get it right, or bad things will happen. These relationships are marked by actions like tiptoeing around each other, avoidance of conflict, and a feeling of fear and shame. This is kind of like building a deck with untreated lumber. It’ll be fine until the fair weather is replaced with foul weather.

Secure relationships don’t have as much pressure to get it right, because they have gone through the “pressure treating process” from another source other than each other. This process is different for everyone. It could be the death of a loved one, therapy, mentoring, a common enemy, shared goal, mutually beneficial purpose together, or a surrender to marriage and God. Being pressure treated produces grace, mercy, patience, forgiveness, fighting for (not against), and most importantly: Belief in each other. When foul weather comes, pressure treated relationships stay strong and true. 

What type of relationship do you have?

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Six Languages of Relational Intimacy

Below are six languages that help speak to the building of an intimate relationships. We cannot build healthy intimacy and thriving relationships without practicing some of the below ideas. As with anything in life, practice makes progress (not perfect!).

Passion – This is the language of “I want and desire more.” Shame tells us that we ‘should’ do or we “ought to” get more.  Should is a shame word that negatively influences our relationships. Instead of saying “I should,” say “I want” or “I desire.” Own what you want, don’t be a victim to your own desires.

Presence – This is the practice of saying “I am here, emotionally engaged.” Escape is easy through TV, internet, food, sugar, devices, alcohol, drugs, and other substances. When we hide, we are not present and engaged with others in our life. Life is full and busy, but these are the choices we make. If you’re not present, cut back on distracting habits or commitments.

Resolve – This is the idea forward of, “I will finish what I start and follow through.” Self-sabotage or procrastination are the works of fear and shame. Afraid that we’ll fail, or that it won’t be good enough (shame). Another idea is that we sabotage success because we don’t feel worthy (another experience of shame). Do what you promise to yourself, and to others.

Vulnerability – This is the language of “I will risk showing you my true self. I will not hide.” Nothing promotes intimacy more than vulnerability. We shy away from the true desires of our heart because not everyone is safe. If you risk nothing, you will gain nothing.

Help – This is the language of “I will ask for help.” Asking for help is scary because it puts us in the position of being rejected. Like vulnerability, if we do not ask for help, we will not be helped.

Honesty – This is the language of “I will tell the truth, regardless of the consequences.” This is a core issue in unhealthy relationships. Telling the truth isn’t just about what we have done, it includes what we have felt and thought. Telling the truth often has devastating consequences. Flannery O’Conner says, “you will know the truth, and the truth shall make you odd.”

Which one(s) of these do you need to work on?

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Perspective Matters

Our perspectives matter in life, especially in relationships. Usually we see what we want to see, what we are looking for. But, we don’t have complete control over what we see. There are 3 things that shape our perspective:

1. My Stance (what I am conscious of, what is my viewpoint). What is it that you’re looking for, or not looking for? Sometimes I will have a couple stand at opposite ends of my office to look out the windows on either side of the building. Their backs are towards each other. They have very different objects to look at and tell the other about.

2. My DNA (what I’m predisposed towards). Remember the dress? Is it black/blue or white/gold? Turns out, your DNA controls what colors you see. Not everything that we see is our choice to see.

3. My Story (what I am unconscious of). We need others to help us see what we’re looking for, because we’re unable to see all parts of ourselves. Sometimes we are driven or motivated by what we cannot see.

Fights occur when we think that only one person’s perspective can be right. The reality is, both perspectives matter (and contain truth!). Trying to fight for who is right gets really messy.

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Making Peace with DMZ’s in Marriage

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I’m sure you’ve seen it in a movie, or on the news. The scene is this: Some country breaks the demilitarized zone with an aircraft or a person. The other country interprets this as an act of war and promptly opens fire, destroying it before it has a chance to hurt them. You don’t step foot into the DMZ unless you’re wanting to die, or start an all-out war.

Unfortunately, many marriages are setup like warring countries. There are tragedies, hurts, betrayals, and offenses that have gone unresolved. These stories become the DMZ between the couple. As one woman said in my office last week, “he had an affair 8 years ago, we never talked about it then, and we’re not going to talk about it now.” When a topic becomes off-limits, a DMZ is established.

The bottom line is this: Marriages will not survive DMZ’s. The moment a story is placed in the “off limits” category, knowingly or unknowingly, the couple has declared war on intimacy, trust, and forgiveness — all components of thriving relationships. When a DMZ is established, the individual parties begin looking out for the best interest of themselves, and only look at the other person from a distance.

So, how do countries stabilize war and DMZ’s? I’m not all that studied on international diplomacy, but I am with relationships. Ultimately it comes down to one goal: Peace. Enemies must make peace with one another for war to end. They do so by meeting in a neutral setting, being willing to make concessions, offer gifts, and accept a truce.

Here’s how you start this process in marriage.

– Take your shoes off, I’m serious. Ground yourself. The DMZ in your marriage is holy ground. It’s where blood has been spilled, death has been seen, and hope has been lost. We bring silence and respect when entering a place of mourning. Taking your shoes off puts your feet in bare contact with the physical ground, and terrain. You’re more sensitive to what you’re walking on without your shoes.

– Drop your weapons. You don’t walk into a peace treaty meeting with a machine gun. What are the weapons you use in marriage? Contempt? Stonewalling? Name calling? “Calling it like you see it”? Avoidance? Manipulation? Control? Rage? Silence? Regardless of the weapon you love to brandish, leave it at the door. Tell your spouse what it is that you’re leaving behind.

– Unfold your arms. Our body language tells others everything they need to know to make a judgement about how we’re approaching the situation. This happens instantly, unconsciously. By crossing your arms or legs, you’re signaling defensiveness and being closed off. Defensiveness will keep DMZ’s alive, not a way to make peace.

– Listen twice, speak once. The reality is most of us do not listen very well. We’re generally more interested in forming our rebuttal than allowing the words, emotions, and energy to get to us. Before you respond with what you want to say, reflect back to the other person the actual words they spoke and ask if you heard everything correctly (ie- “I heard you say you feel like I don’t like you, and that I care more about work than I care about you, is that right?).

– Slow down, breathe. Take deep breaths to slow down your heart rate. This decreases the chances of your fight or flight response from taking over. Relax your jaw, your fists, and breath. It may sound hokey, but slowing your heart rate will better allow you to view the other person as a friend, not a foe.

– Listen to your senses. What do you smell, see, and feel (physically)? In fights or places of tension, we are generally being reactive to something from the past (see #4 – fight/flight). Practicing awareness of our senses brings us into the present moment, and helps to bring clarity.

– Practice offering gratitude. If you’re not offering thanks to your spouse for their efforts to bring peace, peace will not come. Be wary of how entitlement cheats gratitude (“she should know better…”, or “I shouldn’t have to tell you this…”). If you can’t find something to be thankful for, the issue is with you, not the other person.

The saying is true: “It takes two to tango,” but it only takes one person to change the way they are dancing to invite the other to do the same. I’ve seen it dozens of times where one person has offered peace to an unwilling and defensive participant, and it changes the relationship. Don’t wait for the other person to change first, they are likely waiting for the same thing.

The above picture is “a view from the Dora Observatory in Korea. The DMZ (and beyond it, North Korea) is visible through the haze. (photo via flickr user Ben Kucinski)

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On Being Needy

I think most people would agree that no one wants to be a needy person. We usually distance ourselves from those who have little to no ability (as adults) to help themselves. The problem is, that we are all people of need, and this is a very uncomfortable position. If I admit to needing something (which is different than wanting), this means I don’t have the ability to self-produce everything for my life.

My inability to self-produce all that I need for my life is evident at every moment of the day. I need oxygen to survive and there is no way for my body to get oxygen without breathing … which is an involuntary action. I can only tell my body to stop breathing for so long, and then it takes over and starts breathing again. I am not in complete control over my body, nor anything else in life.

Our needing help from others is like breathing. If you stop breathing as much, you will become a burden to others. This is the same with our relational and emotional needs—if you stop needing relationship with others, you’ll become a burden. No one wants to be in a relationship with an overly needy or needless person. Sure, we often complain about how needy others are around us, but the reality is some of these needs are exactly what draws us to people. (It used to be that we needed others to tell us what our faces looked like because we had no ability to see ourselves — technology has removed that need, among other things)

I feel useful, which is a sense of self-worth, when I am able to give something that I can do to someone who doesn’t have that ability. Certainly we can get caught up in becoming addicted to helping others (codependency), but at the heart we all need to give away that which is a natural resource within us. Our resources are there not to keep to ourselves, but to share with others. When I’m able to share my natural abilities with others, it’s a gift from them.

I don’t feel all that useful when I’m asking for help. It’s hard and vulnerable to ask for help, but it’s also a gift. If I don’t ask for help, I’m preventing someone else from the ability to share their resources with me. Not asking for help is incredibly prideful and selfish. Relationships won’t last long if you withhold needs.