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Outbreaks

Nashville has been hit pretty hard the last two weeks with an outbreak of tornadoes and now the coronavirus. This is not to suggest we’re special as a city, but these challenges have been pretty acute for a lot of people here. These two major events have illuminated how little control we humans have. We’re just not that important (despite our beliefs otherwise!).

Feeling out of control often leads to anxiety, and these intense feelings result in us grabbing onto anything that will help us to feel better, even if it’s only temporary relief. Unfortunately this often leads to more anxiety because what we grab onto isn’t all that solid. Things like social media feeds, stocking up on toilet paper and hand sanitizer, various op-ed pieces, and all the different versions of news the media outlets are selling (which seem to be increasingly agenda driven, not care driven).

A friend of mine, David, runs a really popular local weather twitter (highly recommend following the account) and website account that reports the weather with care, not agendas (more of this please!). Several months ago David asked me to write a blog post for his community about taking care of weather-related storm anxiety (you can read it here). As I was writing this article, the main theme that I kept coming back to was relationships. Relationships are what keep us grounded during tragic events.

We’re profoundly lonely, fragile, insecure, and limited people. When an outbreak like a virus or tornado strikes, it’s painfully obvious how little power we humans have. We often become lost in our reactions to these feelings of being out of control. And when we are left alone to deal with this powerlessness, it is emotionally debilitating.

As we move into this new reality of having to deal with outbreaks that painfully reveal our powerlessness (tornadoes, viruses, cancer amongst our friends or family), will you pay attention to what reactions you have? It is likely that your reactions are a plea for help, and that help won’t be found in your newsfeed or at the grocery store. The great news is that relationships are built on the foundation of a common goal. Today, that goal is obvious for all of us: A virus.

Help is found in the power of relationships; the comfort of feeling and knowing that you’re not alone in your fears. Perhaps this is time to find a support group, a Bible study at church, attend a 12-step group, call that counselor you’ve been meaning to call for a while, or call a friend that you know will pick up the phone and listen.

What help do you need today?

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Maturity

Maturity is the ability to resist acting out on behalf of what one feels.

One donut is amazing. Two probably isn’t as amazing, but I’m still probably going to have another one. I know from experience that three is not going to feel good in a few hours. And if I really don’t like myself, I’ll eat four or more. 

Just because something feels right, good, or enticing does not mean that it is right, good, or will deliver what is promised. Often what we desire has nothing to do with what is available right in front of us. That goes for food, sex, media; or things in relationship like a terse reply, name calling, or an explosion.

We become mature from failing. From being encouraged and called to something more than just a knee jerk response. We don’t mature alone. We need others influence and involvement in our lives.

What do you need to resist acting out on today?

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Relationship is Conflict

If you want to be in relationships, you have to learn how to do conflict. One of my mentors, Dan Allender, says it well: “All good communication leads to conflict.” Most of us believe that good communication will lead to consensus, not conflict.

The word “communicate” comes from the Latin word communicatus. This word has two parts: Communi (to inform, impart, or share.” and Catus (which means “care”). The heart of the word (and act) communication is to give care. 

Some experts estimate that over 70% of communication is non-verbal. This means that it’s nearly impossible to not communicate. We may not be communicating well, but we’re always communicating. Even if we’ve left the presence of a relationship, we are still communicating something in our leaving.

Conflict is the result of good “transmitting” (communication) of differing messages. The word “conflict” comes from the Latin word confligere which means “to strike together.” Notice this doesn’t say “to strike against each other.” The reason a lot of people, myself included, are afraid of conflict is because it usually feels like a “strike against” not a “strike together.” Unfortunately, avoiding conflict is only going to make it stronger the next time we face it.

Good communication that leads to conflict and then reconciliation is the foundation of a strong relationships. Communication that leads to unresolved conflict after unresolved conflict is what weakens relationships. This idea applies to all relationships: friends, spouse, family, work, professional, doctor, etc. 

If you want better relationships, you have to become better at striking together, not against. Start with how you communicate. Instead of communicating to receive something, try communicating to give something of care to someone you love. That might be the conflict that turns things around.

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No Trouble At All

Some time ago a friend asked me to help him sort through some technology issues with his phone and computer. My first career, and past hobby, was in technology so it came as no surprise that he’d asked for my help. After we’d finished the project, he said thank you and for the third time in that setting apologized for inconveniencing me. “Don’t be sorry, it was no trouble at all,” was my response.

I was a bit surprised by how quickly these words came out of my mouth. One of my pet peeves is when people apologize for things that need no apology. It wasn’t true. I’d taken time out of my day to help him with an issue that didn’t concern me. The truth was, it was an inconvenience. But it was an inconvenience that I was willing to give because I care about my friend. I wanted to help him. That’s what friends are for, right?

After realizing this wasn’t the truth, which wasn’t more than a couple of moments later, I corrected myself.

“Actually,” I said, “it was an inconvenience.” I paused to let those words linger for a moment and continued. “Saying otherwise isn’t truth, nor is it honoring to you and our friendship for me to pretend it wasn’t a big deal. Me giving you some of me, my time and energy, is one way I’m able to show you that I value our friendship.”

This led to a completely different conversation about self-worth, value, and why it’s difficult to accept love/care from others. It was an amazing conversation that never would have occurred had we both remained “nice” towards each other, exchanging the normal platitudes and pleasantries of a proper friendship. I don’t want proper friendships, I want deep ones.

Our conversation highlights a challenge in relationships: Telling the truth about the small things in life is hard. “It’s no big deal…” is such a simple, polite, and well meaning statement that all of us have made to another person. Too often saying something isn’t a big deal sabotages giving the gift of sacrificial love.

Telling someone “you’re not bothering me,” or “It’s no trouble at all” communicates that the request they are making is easy for you to accomplish. Spoken in regards to a task or to-do list, perhaps “no trouble at all” has some truth to it (especially if the request of you is something you’re gifted at doing). The limitation of this statement is that we deny showing the other person their importance in our lives.

We’re selfish people by nature. We want what we want, when we want it. As we mature, it takes discipline and proaction to act contrary to this natural tendency. So when someone asks something of us, we have to sacrifice our selfish desires for the benefit of the other—this is love. It may be minor in the sacrifice, such as helping a friend with a technology problem, but it is still a sacrifice. In order for trust and relationships to grow, we need to know that someone is willing to sacrifice themselves on our behalf. Without this understanding and experience, and we’re left to wonder if the other really sacrifices anything for us.

Letting someone know that we’re willingly choosing to sacrifice, be inconvenienced, and not hold it over their heads deepens relational intimacy. Little things piled together makes a big thing. Be proactive in your relationship to intentionally build a big thing of trust by celebrating the little things.

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Are you Hopeless in Marriage?

Most people who have not done significant spiritual or relational work do not know how to do conflict well. Invariably, we will unconsciously adapt our conflict styles to what we were exposed to in our childhood homes. The saying “the apple doesn’t fall too far from the tree” is true here, how are we to know a different way of being without the help of someone else to show us another way or to another place? A hopeless marriage doesn’t have to mean the end of the relationship.

Marriage provides the divine context for taking another person to another place. It offers hope that I can live alongside someone who will help me to become a better person, and I can do the same for them. The reality is that once the newness wears off (which happens at different rates of time for different people), couples often lose sight of the purpose of marriage.

I often hear, “I just want to be happy and live in peace” when asking people what they desire in their marriages. Generally this is in reaction to the growing disconnect and conflict that exists between husband and wife. However, when you don’t do the necessary maintenance and work, It decays and begins to break down. This is true of the material world just as it is for relationships.

Cleaning up and fixing something that has been neglected for a long time takes more energy and effort than the time it would have taken to maintain. In relationships, if you do not spend the time proactively working and engaging the faulty issues in your marriage, when it comes time to “fix it” or “buy a new one”, it’s going to feel overwhelming.

This overwhelming feeling coupled with the already everyday needs and demands of life make it even more difficult to find the courage, energy, and hope to dig out of the mess. If you’re at this place of hopelessness in your marriage, seek out a counselor. If you’re afraid you’re on the road to hopelessness, here are some suggestions to work on:

  • Do go on regular dates with your spouse.
  • Do monthly budget meetings to review and plan financial concerns and needs
  • Do yearly/bi-yearly marriage enrichment activities (counseling, retreats, books, etc)
  • Do not turn on the ’screen’ (tv, phone, computer/tablet) at least 2 nights per week
  • Do not blame your spouse for anything, ever. Take responsibility for your actions.
  • Do not use the word divorce unless you are in the process of filing.
  • Do not have an affair with work, alcohol, Facebook, video games, food, or the TV.
  • Do practice non-sexual touch without it leading to sex.
  • Do not hide behind your kids activities to avoid conflict.
  • Do not use your kids to fulfill your loneliness.

Regardless of how hopeless it might feel, no relationship is beyond repair. I have seen couples dealing with multiple layers of betrayal, lies, and brokenness work diligently on repairing their relationship.

When you married your spouse, they became the right one, don’t buy into the lie that there is someone better out there for you. If you’re willing to do the hard work, hope can be restored.

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Making Peace: Drop Your Weapons

You don’t walk into a peace treaty meeting with a machine gun. And if you do, the meeting quickly changes from a peace treaty to a tense stand off. One wrong move, and there will be a mess.

We all have weapons that we have access to use when we are threatened. After all, these weapons have long served us as faithful tools to bring about feelings of safety, control, and power.

What are the weapons you use in marriage?

  • Contempt?
  • Stonewalling?
  • Name calling?
  • “Calling it like you see it”?
  • Avoidance?
  • Manipulation?
  • Withholding?
  • Rage?
  • Silence?

Regardless of the weapon you can easily brandish, leave it at the door. It has no use in your marriage. None of these will get you what you’re looking for.

What weapon do you need to leave at the door?

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Understanding the Limitations of Others

This particular passage from Henri Nouen has been very helpful for me lately. We often mistake the limitations of others as a judgement of our own value. In doing so, we miss an opportunity to sacrificially love and care for these people in our life.

“You keep listening to those who seem to reject you. But they never speak about you. They speak about their own limitations. They confess their poverty in the face of your needs and desires. They simply ask for your compassion. They do not say that you are bad, ugly, or despicable. They say only that you are asking for something they cannot give and that they need to get some distance from you to survive emotionally. The sadness is that you perceive their necessary withdrawal as a rejection of you instead of as a call to return home and discover there your true belovedness.”

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Criticism

Criticism without hope will lead to contempt.Criticism with hope will spawn creativity.

It’s way easier to give the criticism than to receive it, but we all need helpful, loving, critical feedback in order to grow and change. We can be more receptive to hearing critical feedback if we feel secure, valued, cared about, and loved. If you hope for the best in and for me, you can say a whole lot to me, including critical thoughts. 

Tips for giving critical feedback: 

  • Ask for permission to share. “Are you open to me giving you some feedback about the situation?” If the answer is no, “will you let me know when you are ready?” Give it 24 hours, and ask permission again.
  • Tell them what you hope for in sharing the feedback. “I hope we can avoid this particular pitfall in the future.” 
  • Be on their team. “Here is what I want for us.” Rather than “you need to do ‘this and/or that’.”
  • Ladle it with kindness. Don’t feel kindness towards the other person? Don’t share the feedback. 
  • After sharing, ask for feedback about how you gave your feedback. “Did you feel like I was on your team?” “How could I have said this better to help you not feel attacked?”

Trying to enact change in relationships takes a lot of time, consistency, grace, and love. And love is inefficient.

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Kids and Self-Esteem

Another result of kids not knowing their place, or their usefulness in the family, is low self-esteem. Low self-esteem happens for our children when we, the parents, don’t allow our children to wrestle with the normal realities of life. Making decisions for them and not allowing them to fail prevents children from developing the necessary internal resources that are vital to identity and self-esteem.
As parents we can’t teach our kids things that we ourselves do not know. It’s likely that a parent with low self-esteem will not be able to allow their children to struggle with life because they themselves don’t feel confident in their own life struggles.
This is a but a small reason why parenting is so hard: Our kids expose our vulnerability and weakness.
Instead of growing these weaknesses in ourselves, it’s natural to take the easy way out and do things that ensure our kids cannot expose our weakness in the future.
Good parenting is about allowing our kids to organically point things out to us that we then address and mature instead of punishing or controlling our kids. The difficulty is that kids are unknowingly walking around as a mirror to us … and we don’t like it.
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Six Languages of Relational Intimacy

Below are six languages that help speak to the building of an intimate relationships. We cannot build healthy intimacy and thriving relationships without practicing some of the below ideas. As with anything in life, practice makes progress (not perfect!).

Passion – This is the language of “I want and desire more.” Shame tells us that we ‘should’ do or we “ought to” get more.  Should is a shame word that negatively influences our relationships. Instead of saying “I should,” say “I want” or “I desire.” Own what you want, don’t be a victim to your own desires.

Presence – This is the practice of saying “I am here, emotionally engaged.” Escape is easy through TV, internet, food, sugar, devices, alcohol, drugs, and other substances. When we hide, we are not present and engaged with others in our life. Life is full and busy, but these are the choices we make. If you’re not present, cut back on distracting habits or commitments.

Resolve – This is the idea forward of, “I will finish what I start and follow through.” Self-sabotage or procrastination are the works of fear and shame. Afraid that we’ll fail, or that it won’t be good enough (shame). Another idea is that we sabotage success because we don’t feel worthy (another experience of shame). Do what you promise to yourself, and to others.

Vulnerability – This is the language of “I will risk showing you my true self. I will not hide.” Nothing promotes intimacy more than vulnerability. We shy away from the true desires of our heart because not everyone is safe. If you risk nothing, you will gain nothing.

Help – This is the language of “I will ask for help.” Asking for help is scary because it puts us in the position of being rejected. Like vulnerability, if we do not ask for help, we will not be helped.

Honesty – This is the language of “I will tell the truth, regardless of the consequences.” This is a core issue in unhealthy relationships. Telling the truth isn’t just about what we have done, it includes what we have felt and thought. Telling the truth often has devastating consequences. Flannery O’Conner says, “you will know the truth, and the truth shall make you odd.”

Which one(s) of these do you need to work on?