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Quarantine Parenting Part 4: Boundaries & Needs

Now that you’ve named your parenting style, created a SWOT+, and identified some goals, it’s time to put some structure into place about how to bring all of this together. Boundaries are the lifeblood of relationships because they provide guidelines for our needs to be met. Boundaries are what make it safe (or unsafe if there are none) to be in relationship together. Think of boundaries like roads. Sure we don’t have to use the roads, but it sure is easier, safer, and efficient to use them to get from point A to point B. 

Kids and parents alike thrive on clear and consistent boundaries. These consistent boundaries help us to get our needs met. The goal here is to define some “roadways” that help everyone succeed and that you can follow through with in order to accomplish your goals. 

The acronym PRESS is how to think through what kinds of needs we, and our kids, have. Boundaries require that we are willing to press pause and be flexible, but also to press through and be consistent. All of us, not just our kids, have needs in these five categories: Physical; Relational; Emotional; Spiritual; and Sexual. For the purpose of this parenting program, I’m going to focus on Physical, Relational, and Emotional. As you think through what kind of boundaries to set, consider unique boundaries for each individual kid. 

Physical
Studies show that physical activity is the best natural remedy to combating anxiety and depression. The body needs to release the energy it is storing inside from all the stress, but it also needs to produce seratonin and dopamine (the calming and happy chemicals our bodies naturally produce). Both kids and parents need some kind of physically strenuous activity once a day, especially now that we’re all at home. I notice a marked difference in my kids attitudes when they have done something physical in nature (working out, running, jumping on trampoline, played a game of basketball, etc). 

Example boundary: Andrew’s screen time increases by 5 minutes per day for every 10 minutes of physical activity. 

Relational
This might be the most acute challenge that we are all facing today. Parenting can often feel like being a referee in a wrestling match with siblings and other family members. This section also has a lot to do with your parenting style. If you’re more of a “withdrawn” parent, think about relational boundaries that help you stay engaged and present with your kids. For instance, now that most of us are working from home or at home figuring out what to do for work, it’s easy to let work be an activity from the time you wake up to the time you go to bed. Have a set time that you engage work related matters, and have a time you engage in kids and family. 

Example boundary: Because Josh needs 15-20 minutes per day of one on one time with a parent, we will spend this with him before bedtime each night. 

Emotional
Helping our kids to identify what is emotionally motiving, what hurt and anger is, and how to express oneself intellectually and emotionally is a tall order. We are all emotional creatures, some of us have better access and language to these emotions than others. Two of my sons are on opposite ends of the spectrum in regards to feeling and expressing emotions, and I have to parent them differently. 

Example boundary: When something difficult happens to/with Sara, we will sit down with her and have her draw out her feelings (depending on age, journaling or talking would be other ideas here). 

These categories are guides to help you implement boundaries that will meet the various needs that are present. You don’t need to make a list in each and every category, and what you come up with might not “fit” inside of what I’ve mentioned above. That’s ok. The best results from this exercise will be what you can be flexible and consistent with implementing.

If you need help identifying appropriate boundaries, sit down with your spouse or friend and talk through what your needs are and what your kids’ needs are. If that’s not an option, give me a call. I can help clarify your families needs, and help you identify some positive areas of growth for you and your kids.

Wrapping this up, below is a sample worksheet that will put all 4 of these Quarantine Parenting exercises onto one page. This will be helpful for you and your spouse to revisit regularly as you parent your kids. To get a PDF version of this, click here

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Gaps

The great philosopher, Rocky Balboa, is talking to his manager Paulie. They are in the meat locker, Rocky is punching some cows, and Paulie asks him about his sister:
“You really like her? I don’t get it, what’s the attraction?”
“I don’t know, fills gaps I guess.”
“What’s gap’s”
“I dunno. I’ve got gaps, she’s got gaps. Together we fill gaps.”
(this whole blog post is so much better if read in Rocky’s voice)
Gaps are why we love (and hate) relationships. We have gaps, we need others to fill our gaps, and we need to fill others gaps. How many of us are comfortable with our gaps, as much (or little) as they are filled?
So often we are begging for our gaps to be filled, instead of being the one who fills gaps.
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On Being Needy

I think most people would agree that no one wants to be a needy person. We usually distance ourselves from those who have little to no ability (as adults) to help themselves. The problem is, that we are all people of need, and this is a very uncomfortable position. If I admit to needing something (which is different than wanting), this means I don’t have the ability to self-produce everything for my life.

My inability to self-produce all that I need for my life is evident at every moment of the day. I need oxygen to survive and there is no way for my body to get oxygen without breathing … which is an involuntary action. I can only tell my body to stop breathing for so long, and then it takes over and starts breathing again. I am not in complete control over my body, nor anything else in life.

Our needing help from others is like breathing. If you stop breathing as much, you will become a burden to others. This is the same with our relational and emotional needs—if you stop needing relationship with others, you’ll become a burden. No one wants to be in a relationship with an overly needy or needless person. Sure, we often complain about how needy others are around us, but the reality is some of these needs are exactly what draws us to people. (It used to be that we needed others to tell us what our faces looked like because we had no ability to see ourselves — technology has removed that need, among other things)

I feel useful, which is a sense of self-worth, when I am able to give something that I can do to someone who doesn’t have that ability. Certainly we can get caught up in becoming addicted to helping others (codependency), but at the heart we all need to give away that which is a natural resource within us. Our resources are there not to keep to ourselves, but to share with others. When I’m able to share my natural abilities with others, it’s a gift from them.

I don’t feel all that useful when I’m asking for help. It’s hard and vulnerable to ask for help, but it’s also a gift. If I don’t ask for help, I’m preventing someone else from the ability to share their resources with me. Not asking for help is incredibly prideful and selfish. Relationships won’t last long if you withhold needs.