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Day 13: Forgiveness

This post is a part of The 15-Day Relationship Challenge. If you’re just now tuning in, click here for the whole series.

MORNING
Forgiveness. Letting go, holding on. 

Good morning. Welcome to Day 13.

Imagine dangling from a cliff, you’ve just slipped and caught a tree branch growing from the mountainside with your right hand. Your spouse is above you reaching their hand down to grab your left hand. It’s your only hope to be saved from falling. What do you do with your right hand, the one holding onto the branch? Nothing. You keep it securely gripped to the tree so that your left hand is free to grab ahold of their outstretched hand.

Forgiveness is the hand that is offered to us as we dangle over the cliff. Without it, we will fall into the abyss below. Unknown if we will able to return to the relationship we just lost. 

What I know about forgiveness is that it has a profound cost. Forgiveness that does not include a cost probably isn’t forgiveness, but a platitude. Just think of the cliff metaphor. Forgiveness is costly to the one receiving it. They have to trust their life to someone above with better footing. In order to be saved, they have to let go of the tree branch (which might feel more strong and true at the time).

For the one offering forgiveness, the hand, they have to give up their safe perch on the path above. They have to give up their safety, and risk falling into the abyss below. 

Yesterday, you wrote a letter of responsibility that gave specific details about how your actions hurt your spouse. This letter’s natural progression is towards asking for, and granting forgiveness. You were asked to refrain from that for a very intentional reason: We usually do not consider the cost associated with granting and receiving forgiveness. Taking an extra day to consider what it would mean to forgive and be forgiven keeps you both honest to not escaping from the difficulty of the conflict. 

If you do not sit down and look at the abyss below and how one or both of you flirted with falling into it, you’ll be escaping from the conflict, not resolving it. Sit down and process what hurt, the fears it caused, the damage the actions caused or might have caused, and then forgive. Don’t forgive until you know specifically what you are forgiving. Good intentions don’t mean anything when hurts take place. That’s like saying “I wasn’t trying to fall off the cliff, I just happened to slip and there I was.” Truth be told, if you weren’t so flirty with the edge, an accidental slip wouldn’t have been so threatening.

The Lords prayer says, “forgive us our trespasses as we forgive those who trespass against us.” It’s a combo deal. If we have been forgiven, it is on us to forgive. When we forgive others, there are needs we have that will help keep us safe from similar issues arising in the future. Name those needs.  In our cliffhanger story, the one who rescues the fallen one will likely need them to stay pretty far away from the cliffside in the future … even if that’s the place that makes them come alive inside. 

Lastly, forgiveness is a lifestyle, not an event. Don’t forgive and move on. Remember it. Keep practicing it. Stay with the healing force of it. We must steward the gift of forgiveness, both in our receiving and in our giving of it.

Reflection Questions

  • What did I think about my spouse in reading today’s material? Was it kind? Was it thoughtful? Was it loving?
  • Did I have feelings, thoughts, questions, or stories that came to mind?
  • What is something I can do for them today?
  • How can I welcome and receive what they have done for me today?

Assignment
Part 1: In your life story, where have you experienced the most significant act forgiveness? What is that story?

Part 2: Think back to what was shared with you in the letter last night and answer these questions: What are the specific actions that you need to offer a hand of forgiveness? What are you needs about what you are forgiving? How can you make this act of forgiveness a lifestyle? 

EVENING

Hello! Welcome back. Great to see you again. How was your day?

Forgiveness is action that will free both you and your spouse from the chains of resentment. You cannot hold on to resentments if you give or receive forgiveness. This is why forgiveness involves letting go, and holding on. We let go of our individual safety, and hold on to our safety together.

Take 10-15 minutes tonight with your spouse to talk through your day. 

  • What were the highs and lows?
  • Where were you surprised? 
  • Was there anything different about your day because of the assignment(s)?
  • From this mornings reading, what stood out to you? 
  • If you’re willing, share your answers to the assignment. 

Assignment Connection
If you’re ready and able, ask or offer forgiveness to your spouse from what was said in the letter from yesterday. Also ask “how can I make this right?”

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Day 9: Grace

This post is a part of The 15-Day Relationship Challenge. If you’re just now tuning in, click here for the whole series.

MORNING
Grace. Sweat the small stuff.

Good morning. Welcome to Day 9. Today is all about grace.

Several years ago, my wife and I were sitting around the room full of other couples. At the center of the room was the future bride and groom to be. Each couple would take turn answering this question: “What’s one piece of advice you wished someone would have told you about marriage?”

As the couples gave their answers, it covered the usually suspects: Letting things go; have lots of sex; don’t fight about money; and be quick to forgive. All in all, it was well meaning advice. The two couples that shared right before us essentially said the same thing, “don’t sweat the small stuff!”

When it was our turn to answer, my wife and I both said in unison, “show grace by sweating the small stuff!” We didn’t answer this as a rebuttal to the couples before us, but because of the importance of offering grace in relationship. We shared this advice because sweating the small stuff will help you heal the hurt, connect intimately, and get familiar with exchanging grace. Practice grace.

Showing grace implies forgiveness, acceptance, and a belief that your spouse is a better man/woman than what the offending action shows. It’s easy to get offended or hurt and turn away from them as protection. It’s hard to stay engaged and put hurt feelings aside and believe the best. Next time this happens in your relationship, offer grace by placing your hand on their shoulder or chest near their heart and say, “I don’t believe that you intended to hurt me, and that you do love and care for me.” 

When we pay attention to the little things that go awry in our relationship, we are exercising our grace muscles. When the big issues hit us, we’ve got a bunch of practice together that we readily give grace. If we don’t sweat the small stuff, two things will happen.  

First, we will become resentment machines. We’ll get hurt, brush it aside, and move on. But we’re really not brushing it aside, we’re either stuffing it or we are numbing out to the hurt. Neither of those are good options for relationships. Over time the stuffing makes us fat on resentment, and the numbing out makes us malnourished with indifference. 

As if resentments weren’t a big enough issue, the second problem with letting things slide is that we won’t learn about each other. Talking about 100 little things is going to give you both so much insight into how you relate to the world. With this insight comes a ton of future opportunities to love and care for your spouse.

Grace allows us to be in conflict, quickly find resolution for the conflict, and move into intimacy instead of isolation. 

Reflection Questions

  • What did I think about my spouse in reading today’s material? Was it kind? Was it thoughtful? Was it loving?
  • Did I have feelings, thoughts, questions, or stories that came to mind?
  • What is something I can do for them today?
  • How can I welcome and receive what they have done for me today?


Assignment
What “small things” have come up recently that you would like to practice giving grace to your spouse for? 
What is one way that you can make yourself available to regularly offer grace to your spouse? 

EVENING

Hello! Welcome back. Great to see you again. How was your day?

Grace is a beautiful act of kindness, but sometimes we take advantage of it. Be careful to not confuse grace and enabling behaviors. We can also think we’re giving grace when we’re actually enabling someone else’s disruptive behavior. A good rule of thumb for this grace and enabling has to do with the difference of hurt and harm. Hurt is something that happens in the regular coming and going of relationships. Harm is something that happens with intentionality as pay back, punishment, or power and control. 

Take 10-15 minutes tonight with your spouse to talk through your day. 

  • What were the highs and lows?
  • Where were you surprised? 
  • Was there anything different about your day because of the assignment(s)?
  • From this mornings reading, what stood out to you? 
  • If you’re willing, share your answers to the assignment. 

Bonus: Assignment Connection
Practice sweating the small stuff by bringing something up that was a “small event,” and be quick to forgive, and quick to resolve.

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Avoiding Hurt Limits Intimacy

Couples that avoid hurt from happening (or the hurt that has already happened) are preventing intimacy from developing.

No one really enjoys being hurt, and being hurt is a part of all close intimate relationships. It’s going to happen. The difficulty is in viewing pain as though it is a gift, not the plague.

Pain is not fun, but neither is numbness. I don’t know about you, but when I leave the dentist after getting a shot of Novocain, I cannot wait for it to wear off. The feeling of not controlling half of my face is miserable (not to mention drooling and talking like there’s a boulder in half my mouth). People were not made to be numb, we were made to feel.

Mary Oliver penned this beautiful line, and it speaks well to the realities couples face: “I was once given a box full of darkness, it took me many years to realize that this too was a gift.”

Pain shapes our lives either in our acceptance of it or our refusal to experience it. Creating a space for hurts to be a welcomed guest in your marriage will serve you well. A noble calling for every marriage would be to create and live out a relationship that engages the hurt, and heals the pain.

Develop guidelines for how you’ll address hurts in your relationship. Setup a regular time to “clear the air” together, and keep short accounts. Find intentional ways to ask for and offer forgiveness.

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