The only way finances can work in marriage is if it’s laundered first. Yes, you read that right. Launder your money. Clean it of ownership, of claim. Too many couples have split their financial assets, bank accounts, and credit cards.
A relationship based on earning says, “what’s yours is yours, and what’s mine is mine.” In this system, sharing household bills and common expenses works just fine as long as there is an abundance of money or abundance of agreement. Inevitably, the abundance goes away. “Fairness” changes over time, especially when one starts out earning their spouse.
Jealousy, resentments, and competition will grow in abundance when what is “fair” changes. When couples never financially marry each other, competition is bound to happen. Competition means that one person wins and the other loses.
Launder money so that when it’s done being washed, neither the husband or the wife know who’s money it is. It needs to be washed of individual ownership. The end result is: “We earned this.” Become teammates, not opponents.
How to Fight
How to Fight:
Strike when the iron is COLD!
The heat of the moment is usually too hot. Wait for things to cool down.
Smile. Use hopeful, positive language
Smiling takes less facial muscles, is linked to an increased production of dopamine (the “feel good” chemical in our body), and makes it harder to stay in resentment/anger for both you and your sparring partner.
Offer a compliment
Want to disarm yourself and your partner? Tell them what you like/love about them.
Tell a story
Eugene Peterson says it well, “Stories are verbal acts of hospitality.” Welcome someone with a story.
Designate a safe room, and safe time of the day
What room in your house can you designate as the place to have adult discussions around conflict? Is there a time of day that works best for you and your partner?
Take off your shoes
This grounds you, helps you to feel and get in touch with being human. The goal is to repair the relationship, not to win the fight.
Open your body (arms, legs, clothing)
Open postures invite open dialogue. Closed postures create closed dialogue.
Admit wrong, take responsibility
“I’m sorry. I was wrong. How can I make it right?”