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Q&A About Marriage

Last week I participated as a virtual panelist on a Facebook page for an organization where I’m a contributing writer. This discussion was posted as a Question (below) and then was commented on by myself and the “fans” of the Facebook page. It was a really good discussion, and I wanted to share my responses (which were separate comments, so they don’t necessarily read as a article would) to the questions asked of me. Here they are in no particular order. Chime in if you have additions to these questions.

 

What does it mean to be “one flesh” in marriage?

– For one, it means to put aside living life for oneself for the sake of the other. You cannot thrive in your marriage if you are in it for you. It just won’t work. Becoming one flesh is a lifelong process that will cost you your life, which is why not many marriages make it “till death.” The death of the relationship is far easier than the death of oneself.

– Another way is that it means that together, we create new life. A relationship is the first child of a marriage. It’s birthed the day you meet, and takes the same care and attention that a baby would need. Becoming one flesh means that I bring all of myself and combine it with all of you, creating a wholly new life, a relationship.

– A word of caution about this idea of “one flesh.” When we marry, it’s very easy to “lose oneself” in the context of an intimate relationship. It’s somewhat of a paradox, but it takes two people being fully who God created them to be for a marriage to thrive. By becoming one flesh, we are doing away with selfish ideas, and replacing them with “soul-fish” ideas. Our soul is the place God resides, and that place needs to be protected and offered to the marriage as a gift.

– Sex, the sexual embrace, is far more encompassing than just the physical act. The act of being “one flesh” is celebrated, not created, by the sexual union.

 

What if I get annoyed with my spouse and don’t want to be around him/her?

– There are a couple of ways to look at this. One, to be annoyed could mean that you wouldn’t do “x” the way your spouse does “x”. This might mean that you’re not annoyed, rather you don’t like being out of control or that someone does something different than you. Another way to look at it is that your spouse’s behavior is a coverup for you feeling cramped, trapped, or “shut in.”

– What does the word “annoyed” mean to you? Does it stir up a stronger emotion? My wife has many “isms” about her that have been annoying to me in the past. Most of the time though, I’m not annoyed, I’m feeling something else: Resentment, anger, hurt, lonely, etc. Annoyed, frustrated, disappointed, and some other commonly used words are often vague cover-ups for what’s really going on inside us.

– Also, It’s not uncommon to feel trapped early in marriage, and if we’re not being honest about this, we will find ways to express this trapped feeling. Enter things that annoy us about the other person. It’s not really that they annoy us, but that they are in our space and we don’t know how to live in that space with them.

– If the way you address the annoyance is with an angry or spiteful, sarcastic, or critical spirit, more than likely you were feeling anger and not annoyed.

 

What do we do if family and friends don’t agree with our engagement? 

– Assuming that your family and friends are looking out for your best interest (they love you) then I’d encourage you to give serious consideration to what they have to say. Ask them questions and explore why they don’t agree with your engagement. Is it a moral issue, an opinion, a “sixth sense”? Again, assuming that they love you, ask them to let you know if there are red flags, or just yellow ones. Some other questions to consider: Do they see something in him/her they don’t like, is it a matter of how you’re being treated by your fiance, and what is their solution to their concerns?

– I agree that prayer is a much needed part of this process. And, I would say that the insight your friends and family have to you is unique and needs to be considered. Obviously this is a difficult thing to do when you’re clearly wanting to marry someone, and your family/friends are opposed.

– There are plenty of family systems that do not want their children to “fly the coop.” If this is your family, kindly thank them for their concern and advice, and move along.

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So, You Think You Can Dance?

(article originally published at Start Marriage Right)

I move left, she moves right.
I go forward, she goes backwards.
I dip, she bends.
I swing, she flies.
We move closer and embrace.
Butterflies.

I’m a horrible dancer. The term “two left feet” has new meaning when applied to my dancing machismo. In the kitchen after work, I’m constantly getting in the way of Stephanie. Part of this is my inability to do two things at once, the other part is my lack of physical fluidity.

Interesting though, our relationship took off on a dance floor. It was New Years eve, and a planned group gathering with friends turned into a quadruple-date that ended up at a swing dance party to ring in the new year. I’d always hated to dance but there was this girl that quickly moved me out of my self-consciousness. My desire to be wherever she was made me the supporter of any and all things swing dancing. This ought to come at no surprise but she loved (and still does) to dance. Me being on the dance floor with her that night created some serious mojo between the two of us. Less than 6 months later, we were honeymooning in Nova Scotia learning a whole new kind of dance.

A friend of mine teaches marriage classes with a ballroom dance instructor. For an hour they sit in a room conversing about sex, fighting, communication and other marital pitfalls. Following the hour of marriage work, they begin the real work: Learning to dance. From what he’s said, the ballroom dancing part is more beneficial for the couples than is the workshop. The reason? Until we actually get up and start acting our parts, no amount of reading, listening, analyzing or planning will create connection.

When you stand on the dance floor with your partner, you have to communicate, someone has to lead, and someone has to follow. It’s amazing to watch a couple’s relationship tendencies come out as they struggle to make the moves on the floor. The woman resists the leadership of the man, she stumbles and they end up apart. The man resists leading, the woman leads and he wilts with shame and sadness. The couple holds each other like they are in Jr. High, neither looking at each other or wanting to be near each other and they end up dancing monotone.

… continue reading at Start Marriage Right

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Run To, Not From

Be kind, for everyone you meet is fighting a hard battle. – Plato

We’d just spent 14 of the past 15 waking hours at the baseball fields. The first two games rained out twice due to heavy storms of lightning and rain the previous evening. Instead of playing games over two days, we had one day to play at least 3 games. A lot to ask for of a group of 9 year olds.

Nine and a half hours at the baseball fields on Sunday, and we didn’t sniff victory for one inning. I was deflated. So was my son.

As soon as we arrived home, he began to show his anger. He gave a little to his 4-year old brother. A little to his mom, and a little to me. His final blow up happened when after asking for a friend to come over (it was 5:15 on Sunday afternoon), we told him “no.”

He ran to his room, slammed his door and buried himself under the covers.

I wrestled with what to do. Do I go after him, chastising him for slamming his door and waking up his 4-month old brother? Do I leave him be, and wait till he returns to the land of the living? Or do I do something different?

Wisdom, as I’ve heard it described, is a historical perspective.  Thankfully, I chose something different.

I went to him in his room, and told him I was really sorry that he couldn’t have a friend come over. I also told him that I was sad that we’d spent the past 10 hours at the baseball fields and that he only got to bat 3 times, and make a play on 2 balls in the outfield. I told him that I really wish things were different.

I also asked that he not slam his door so as to not wake his sleeping brother. He agreed and buried himself under the covers again. I let him be.

Ten to 15 minutes later, a different child emerged from the shadows. Something had changed for him. He was cheerful, bright, and kind. His anger no longer oozed from his pores, and he smiled as he invited his younger brother to play basketball outside.

I smiled, too. And then it hit me: He just needed to be heard.

My kids, you, me, everyone: We all need to be noticed, seen, and heard. He had just fought a great battle this weekend, and lost. No doubt he was sad, and angry that things didn’t turn out the way he wanted them to. And he did what we humans naturally do when we feel: we hide.

He hid under his covers.

A question for you: What do you hide under/behind?

A challenge for you: When you see hiding: Run to, not from (or against).

 

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Some thoughts to end the week

Answering the why questions in life will rarely be satisfying. The awareness you’ll gain will be invaluable if you choose to use it.

We humans judge actions, not intent.

Hiding will prevent relationships from developing intimacy. You cannot have intimacy and hide at the same time.

“Don’t put your trust in walls, ‘Cause walls will only crush you when they fall.” 

I can’t change the way you feel, nor can you change the way I feel. We can work together to learn where and how we feel what we do, and then learn to walk with care and love around those soft and tender spots in life. You cannot carry all of my pain, so don’t try and make life pain free for me or you. It doesn’t work.

Ending well is really difficult, takes time, and allows  for new growth. Quitting is accepting the easy road that is full of regret, self-pity, and will not bring fullness. You’ve got to fight hard for the things you want, and don’t want.

Don’t wait for permission from others to be vulnerable and take a risk; it will never happen. Taking a risk is risky regardless of who approves of it or not. Think of it this way, base jumping isn’t easier because you got a high five.

Babies fall 10,000 times before they learn to walk. Falling hurts, but not being able to walk hurts worse.

The phrase “be a man” needs to be replaced with “tell the truth.” Learning to tell the truth is a process, and judging a process kills progress. Telling the truth is risky. Most of us don’t do it very well. We hint, dance, assume, manipulate, hover, and do all sorts of so many things that take incredible amounts of energy. More energy to hint and dance around a subject than just saying what’s true.

Learning how to be mature is a lifelong journey. It’s a process. It doesn’t happen when you graduate high-school. Have sex. Have a baby. Or when you get a job. Maturity happens when you admit to not knowing, and commit to the process of learning. Not knowing oneself is the deepest of sadness, but not pursuing the knowledge of oneself is the greatest crime against the self. You cannot know what you do not pursue. You cannot know what you do not care about. You cannot know what you do not love.

Conservative, safe, and highly controlled living is not the way we were created to live. This is a difficult reality in the South. It’s hard to not fake it here.

Christianity is a religion. Much like Buddhism, Mormanism, and Footballism. Being a follower of Christ is not religious. There’s a difference.

Refusing to address your dysfunctional behavior and relationships (and your family’s dysfunction) will create incredibly difficulties tomorrow. It will also have a stronger affect on others than you think it will. And on more people than you think.

Happyness (I prefer to spell it with a y) is found in being known by others, God, and ourselves. Want to be happy and fulfilled? Spend some time getting to know you. You’re smarter, brighter, wiser, and more interesting than you know. Don’t live without knowing who’s alive in there.

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Being Honest with our Kids

A few weeks ago my friend Laurie, who has 4 kids under 6 years old, messaged me with question about using the word disappointed in response to a kids action. “Is it okay to tell your child that you’re disappointed in them?” It’s a question that I’ve considered quite a bit since she asked. On one hand I want my kids to know that what they do and say in life will have an impact on others, myself included, but on the other hand I don’t want them to have to interpret my choice of words to determine how displeased I am with them. Disappointed is a word that I hear quite a bit and even comes from my mouth at times. Since my friend asked me this question, I’ve struggled to understand what the word really means.

Does the feeling of disappointment mean that you’re sad or angry? Ashamed or frustrated? Hurt or resentful? Or perhaps it means annoyed, irritated, or some other somewhat vague expression? These are just some of the words that come to mind when I consider what disappointed might mean. It might be different for you, but I think the response of a parent is the same regardless of the meaning of the word.

As parents, it’s our responsibility to help our kids name and express things about themselves that might be otherwise difficult to access. For example. When one of my kids gets angry at their sister or brother, they often express that anger in very passive aggressive ways. They’ll growl, slyly bump into the other as they walk past, take the object of contention (this morning it was a blue plate), or roll their eyes. All these actions do nothing in terms of naming the emotion that they feel. The other person probably has a good idea that things aren’t well, but it’s guesswork.

Those few examples of passive-aggressive behavior is why I think it’s important for parents to express their own sense of emotional responses towards their kids in a way that is as specific as possible. Telling a child (and by child, I mean someone under 12) that you’re disappointed in their behavior might be truthful to what you’re experiencing, but I don’t think it’s completely honest to what you’re feeling. Try to name the emotion in terms of where the disappointment is coming from — try to identify the core emotion of Hurt, Sad, Anger, Shame, Fear, or Lonely. More often than not, your disappointment comes from wanting/desiring something more for your child and them choosing not to pursue that same desire. Most often disappointment is veiled anger, sadness, and hurt.

One caveat to this is that as kids mature and become more capable to understanding more complexities of life, the use of words like disappointment, annoyed, frustrated, or irritated might be appropriate fodder for conversations. But even then, I’d encourage the exploration and expression of core emotions to support and explain why those are being felt.

 

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Being easy on kids

I often vacillate between two approaches to parenting: strength and tenderness. Holding both together at the same time is difficult. When I’m only being strong with my kids, strict boundaries and immediate consequences, I often feel that I’m missing them and if I’m giving them too much to bear. On the flip side, when I’m only tender with them, not reacting to their violation but welcoming them into forgiveness without clear consequences, I’m giving them too much power.

At the core, kids are always asking their parents if they are loved and if they can get what their way. Exhibiting only strength tells them that they cannot get their way and that they are not loved. On the other side, Exhibiting only tenderness tells them that they are indeed loved and that they can get their way. Neither of these are very good options (nor is the response, which I won’t delve into much here, that they are not loved and that they can get their way, which is neither strong nor tender) in and of themselves.

Being a good parent requires, among other attributes, a lot of self-sacrifice, patience, and sleep; and ultimately good parenting goes only as far as the parent’s ability to be the adult/grown-up with their kids. Mimicking their child’s behavior in response to the child is telling the child one thing, and one thing only: You are not safe with me. You are not safe because I don’t have the ability to manage my own emotions, and when you need me most (which is often when a child has royally messed up), your emotions are going to erupt and go everywhere. Our kids need us to be the adults, the healthy ones who can manage our emotions and not let ourselves get out of control. This is not to say that emotions need to stay internalized or to not be expressed, but that they be expressed in a way that is constructive, not destructive. I’ve spoken with a lot of parents who get the emotions right, but deliver them in harmful and subtly destructive ways.

Exhibiting both strength and tenderness with kids tells them that they are indeed loved, so much so that it would be unloving to not bring about some sense of consequence due to their actions. Strength and tenderness is when your lap and arms are open for your child to crawl up into after you’ve dolled out some consequence. When our kids know that we’re going to be a safe place for them to return, they are free to be who they were created to be. There is freedom, ultimately the only way of freedom, in boundaries, consequences, and rules.

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Parenting is an exercies in powerlessness

Ultimately, I do not have the ability to change my children. They are humans with the same free will that I have, and the same level of uniqueness that I have. So often I want them to be like me. To do like I would do, to react and respond like I would react and respond, well, most of the time. But they don’t. They live in their world and have their own unique way of dealing with life. Often times, this makes me angry.
Just this morning my 7 year old decided that he wanted the blue plate for breakfast, and despite his younger brother protests, he took the plate for his own ignoring the fact that his younger brother had already put pancakes on the blue plate for himself. I was dumbfounded. Why on God’s green earth did my oldest think that he could just take what he wants? In this moment, not to be said for every moment, I chose to calmly intervene. We worked it out, but ultimately I was really angry that my kids would be so creul to each other. And I realized: I am powerless to change my children. I can teach them, show them, and engage with them as their dad, but how they choose to deal with me, or anyone else for that matter, is ultimately up to them.
As parents, we only have to be responsible for our behaviors and how we interact with our kids. Sure, legally we are responsible for what our kids do, but even in that we cannot control them. They will choose to do as they please, often times just to show us this is true. Successful parenting really only requires me to be the adult in the situation. Let the kids be the kids, and you focus on being the adult in the situation.