boundaries Archives » Samuel Rainey Counseling

April 28, 2020

Quarantine Parenting Part 4: Boundaries & Needs

Now that you’ve named your parenting style, created a SWOT+, and identified some goals, it’s time to put some structure into place about how to bring all of this together. Boundaries are the lifeblood of relationships because they provide guidelines for our needs to be met. Boundaries are what make it safe (or unsafe if there are none) to be in relationship together. Think of boundaries like roads. Sure we don’t have to use the roads, but it sure is easier, safer, and efficient to use them to get from point A to point B.

Kids and parents alike thrive on clear and consistent boundaries. These consistent boundaries help us to get our needs met. The goal here is to define some “roadways” that help everyone succeed and that you can follow through with in order to accomplish your goals.

The acronym PRESS is how to think through what kinds of needs we, and our kids, have. Boundaries require that we are willing to press pause and be flexible, but also to press through and be consistent. All of us, not just our kids, have needs in these five categories: Physical; Relational; Emotional; Spiritual; and Sexual. For the purpose of this parenting program, I’m going to focus on Physical, Relational, and Emotional. As you think through what kind of boundaries to set, consider unique boundaries for each individual kid.

Physical
Studies show that physical activity is the best natural remedy to combating anxiety and depression. The body needs to release the energy it is storing inside from all the stress, but it also needs to produce seratonin and dopamine (the calming and happy chemicals our bodies naturally produce). Both kids and parents need some kind of physically strenuous activity once a day, especially now that we’re all at home. I notice a marked difference in my kids attitudes when they have done something physical in nature (working out, running, jumping on trampoline, played a game of basketball, etc).

Example boundary: Andrew’s screen time increases by 5 minutes per day for every 10 minutes of physical activity.

Relational
This might be the most acute challenge that we are all facing today. Parenting can often feel like being a referee in a wrestling match with siblings and other family members. This section also has a lot to do with your parenting style. If you’re more of a “withdrawn” parent, think about relational boundaries that help you stay engaged and present with your kids. For instance, now that most of us are working from home or at home figuring out what to do for work, it’s easy to let work be an activity from the time you wake up to the time you go to bed. Have a set time that you engage work related matters, and have a time you engage in kids and family.

Example boundary: Because Josh needs 15-20 minutes per day of one on one time with a parent, we will spend this with him before bedtime each night.

Emotional
Helping our kids to identify what is emotionally motiving, what hurt and anger is, and how to express oneself intellectually and emotionally is a tall order. We are all emotional creatures, some of us have better access and language to these emotions than others. Two of my sons are on opposite ends of the spectrum in regards to feeling and expressing emotions, and I have to parent them differently.

Example boundary: When something difficult happens to/with Sara, we will sit down with her and have her draw out her feelings (depending on age, journaling or talking would be other ideas here).

These categories are guides to help you implement boundaries that will meet the various needs that are present. You don’t need to make a list in each and every category, and what you come up with might not “fit” inside of what I’ve mentioned above. That’s ok. The best results from this exercise will be what you can be flexible and consistent with implementing.

If you need help identifying appropriate boundaries, sit down with your spouse or friend and talk through what your needs are and what your kids’ needs are. If that’s not an option, give me a call. I can help clarify your families needs, and help you identify some positive areas of growth for you and your kids.

Wrapping this up, below is a sample worksheet that will put all 4 of these Quarantine Parenting exercises onto one page. This will be helpful for you and your spouse to revisit regularly as you parent your kids. To get a PDF version of this, click here

______________________________________

April 22, 2020

Quarantine Parenting Part 3: Goals

What is your goal for parenting during this quarantine? Is it to just “survive” the process? Or perhaps might it be to “make sure I don’t screw them up too bad?” I often joke with friends that I don’t have a college savings fund for my kids, I have a therapy savings fund. My kids will probably need twice the therapy to work through their dad being a therapist. This next generation might need twice the therapy because of being stuck at home with their parents for months on end. Bless them!

Regardless if we’re talking about parenting during the quarantine or not, parenting is a two-fold challenge. First and foremost, we have to learn how to raise the kid inside ourselves. We have to be kind, respectful, loving and at the same time tough, hold boundaries, and be willing to say no to that part of us that wants instant gratification. We cannot be helpful parents until we have first admitted that we’re not that much further along than our kids are.

The second challenge is to raise our kids as unique individuals with similar and different challenges in life than what we ourselves face. Parenting our kids as though they wrestle with the exact struggles as we do is narrow minded and not helpful guardianship. I wrote about this last week in regards to parenting our kids uniquely, not as a group. Setting specific goals for our kids is a great way to drive that point home.

Similar to the SWOT+ exercise, setting of goals will also include an acronym: Parenting goals need to be REAL. Relational, Empathic, Attainable, and Loving.

Relational
We need to set goals for our kids that are relational, not transactional. A goal for our kids to “keep them from bothering us so we can work” is not a relational goal, that would be a transaction. A relational goal means that both parent and child maintain connection in the process.

Empathic
Put yourself in your child’s shoes. As you think about goals for them, walk around in their life for a bit. What’s it like for them to live in your house (which was not their choosing!)? What’s something that they see from their unique perspective that would be helpful for you to see as their parent? Set goals for them that consider the difficulties they are facing either in efforts at school, with their siblings, with their parents, or unique challenges. .

Attainable
Set goals for your kids that they, and you, can attain. Start small, get some small wins that will snowball into something bigger. Unattainable goals are discouraging and demotivating. Enlist your child in helping to make sure the goal is attainable. Getting them to buy-in to this process will go a long way in their participation.

Loving
Above all, make sure that your goals are out of love. One of the best ways that we can show love to our children is by showing interest in their life. What do they watch? Who are their best friends? What worries them? What excites them? The great author C.S. Lewis said it really well, “love is not an affectionate feeling for someone, but a steady wish for the loved person’s ultimate good as far as it can be obtained.” We don’t have to like our kids to love them.

Assignment

There are two parts to setting goals during this time. The first is goals for you as a parent. Try to set some specific goals for yourself in relation to each kid. The second is to set some goals for and with your kids. Engage them in the process. Structure, which I will talk about as boundaries more in the final assignment, provides clarity and safety for both parents and kids.

Take some time to reflect on the two previous assignments of your parenting style, and the SWOT+ and then answer the questions below.

What have I learned about myself as a son/daughter of my parents? As a parent?
What have I learned about my kids (name them individually)?
Taking into account (child’s name)’s unique strengths and weaknesses, and the opportunities/threats from me as a parent, what is one goal I want to accomplish as a parent?
What is one goal I want to help my kid accomplish?

______________________________________

April 17, 2020

Quarantine Parenting

I’ve been having a lot of conversations with friends, family, and clients about the changes we’re all facing with our kids at home 24-7. Parenting is already hard, but doing so without the structure of school, comfort of friends, and breaks that sports provide can sometimes feel impossible.

Here in the Nashville area, we’re in week 4 or 5 of schools being closed, and the Governor has just stated that schools are to remain closed for the school year. Many of the challenges parents faced prior to the quarantine are taking center stage. This is now the new normal, and challenges such as screen time, social media, chores and responsibility, respect of others, and broken routines are needing parents attention.

The central figure in all of these challenges is not the kids, it’s the parents. Far too often we parents expect and sometimes demand that our kids be the grown ups. We assume that if our kids were more responsible, kinder, and spent less time on screens that our jobs are parents would be easier. While this might be true if it happened, these assumptions get in the way of how and why we interact with our kids. The parents are the grownups, and need to raise kids who will one day do the same for their kids.

Over the next week I will be writing a 4-part series on Parenting in Quarantine that will cover your parenting style, an assessment of your kids as individuals, your goals for parenting, and categories for setting boundaries with your kids. Similar to the 15-day relationship challenge, each day will have questions at the end to guide conversations with your spouse, or for your own reflection.

Along with this “Parenting in Quarantine” series, I’m launching a parent coaching program that will give you the opportunity to explore your parenting style further and develop a plan for how to parent in these new times.

#1 – Your Parenting Style
#2 – SWOT+
#3 – REAL Goals
#4 – Boundaries

______________________________________

November 22, 2019

Are you Hopeless in Marriage?

Most people who have not done significant spiritual or relational work do not know how to do conflict well. Invariably, we will unconsciously adapt our conflict styles to what we were exposed to in our childhood homes. The saying “the apple doesn’t fall too far from the tree” is true here, how are we to know a different way of being without the help of someone else to show us another way or to another place? A hopeless marriage doesn’t have to mean the end of the relationship.

Marriage provides the divine context for taking another person to another place. It offers hope that I can live alongside someone who will help me to become a better person, and I can do the same for them. The reality is that once the newness wears off (which happens at different rates of time for different people), couples often lose sight of the purpose of marriage.

I often hear, “I just want to be happy and live in peace” when asking people what they desire in their marriages. Generally this is in reaction to the growing disconnect and conflict that exists between husband and wife. However, when you don’t do the necessary maintenance and work, It decays and begins to break down. This is true of the material world just as it is for relationships.

Cleaning up and fixing something that has been neglected for a long time takes more energy and effort than the time it would have taken to maintain. In relationships, if you do not spend the time proactively working and engaging the faulty issues in your marriage, when it comes time to “fix it” or “buy a new one”, it’s going to feel overwhelming.

This overwhelming feeling coupled with the already everyday needs and demands of life make it even more difficult to find the courage, energy, and hope to dig out of the mess. If you’re at this place of hopelessness in your marriage, seek out a counselor. If you’re afraid you’re on the road to hopelessness, here are some suggestions to work on:

Do go on regular dates with your spouse.
Do monthly budget meetings to review and plan financial concerns and needs
Do yearly/bi-yearly marriage enrichment activities (counseling, retreats, books, etc)
Do not turn on the ’screen’ (tv, phone, computer/tablet) at least 2 nights per week
Do not blame your spouse for anything, ever. Take responsibility for your actions.
Do not use the word divorce unless you are in the process of filing.
Do not have an affair with work, alcohol, Facebook, video games, food, or the TV.
Do practice non-sexual touch without it leading to sex.
Do not hide behind your kids activities to avoid conflict.
Do not use your kids to fulfill your loneliness.

Regardless of how hopeless it might feel, no relationship is beyond repair. I have seen couples dealing with multiple layers of betrayal, lies, and brokenness work diligently on repairing their relationship.

When you married your spouse, they became the right one, don’t buy into the lie that there is someone better out there for you. If you’re willing to do the hard work, hope can be restored.

____________________________________

November 6, 2019

Comfort

The word “comfort” comes from the Latin word which means “strengthen greatly.” We use this word to describe relief from distress more so than strength in our distress.

In Western culture, the majority of us have a variety of “things” that are comfortable. Comfort food. Comfortable shoes. A comfy sweatshirt. Comfortable friendships. Comfortable habits. Comfortable life.

But sometimes that which is of comfort is not all that helpful. Comfortable isolation. The relief of familiar thought about ourselves or others. The comfort of more food. The ease of sleeping in instead of getting up early to exercise.

Discomfort is not typically on our menu of options we gleefully chose for our lives. Yet it is the discomfort that moves us to change, or causes us to do something different with our lives.

Many times it is our comforts that keep us from becoming who God created us to be.

July 30, 2018

Making Space for Relationships

Here are three reasons to make space in life for relationships (even the difficult relationships).

1. Loneliness.

Loneliness is an epidemic, and is linked to an increase risk of cardiovascular disease. We’re more connected to information and screens than we are to people and stories. The more information we have, the more anxious and depressed we become.

2. Growth.

We can’t grow as people unless we are in relationships with other people. Apple’s Siri and Amazon’s Alexa don’t count as other people!

Pearls grow in clams/oysters because they opened up and got a foreign object lodged in there. The Amazon get’s over half of it’s nutrients from the Bodele depression, which is in Africa.

Humans are the same. We grow because of different people getting close to us and depositing something of their difference into our lives. Yes, it’s painful sometimes, but all growth involves some degree of pain.

3. Powerlessness.

If you let them, relationships will show you the two parts of yourself that you cannot see on your own: Your face, and your butt. We are both gifted and impaired human beings. We need relationships with others to show both of those parts to us. And for us to do the same in return.

July 18, 2018

Help

There’s a HUGE difference between needing help, and wanting help.

We only get to the place of wanting help when we surrender to our limitations.

That we can’t get to where we want to go on our own.

Life change happens to us all of the time, and it happens on life’s terms: A car wreck, job loss, death of a loved one, or natural disasters. These events don’t change our hearts. They change our lives. And they give us the opportunity to have a heart change.

Change of heart happens through gratitude, surrender, and humility.

Moving from needing help, to wanting help.

June 12, 2018

4 Things Women Need to Know About Their Husbands Porn Use

Men often seek help in dealing with their porn use, yet many times their wives do not seek their own help. Though the issue with porn is not a new problem, the access with technology has made it so much more available in it’s different mediums. Here are the 4 things women need to know about their husbands porn use:

1. It’s not about the wife.

In young marriages, women need to know that their husbands porn use is almost always something they brought with them into marriage. It’s less about the wife “not being enough” and more about the man’s inability to have an intimate and close relationships with a women (or an outright addiction). Porn is easy because it requires nothing from a man beyond what his body is naturally programmed to do.

It is hard for men to develop a healthy view of women that is apart from the notion that women are sex objects. Over and over again the modern culture tells both sexes that women are sex objects. It’s why so many men are unable to have close relationships with their daughters as they go through puberty — it’s difficult to see a woman as anything other than an object. They don’t want to view their daughters sexually, so they distance themselves emotionally. Porn perverts and distorts the reality of a woman’s value.

2. Porn use is about shame.

Shame is the root cause for porn use. Shame says “I’m not enough” which can easily be felt sexually and non-sexually alike. Porn use causes shame, but the real challenge is that it promises an escape from shame. Men can use porn and fantasy as a way to “be enough” for the fantasy on the screen. The porn stars never reject the men. They always tell the viewer, “yes, yes, yes, whatever you want.” The cycle starts over when a man needs to be enough, and can’t get that in the real world, so he resorts back to the fantasy world.

Shame doesn’t last very long in an environment with grace and empathy. But here’s the problem: Wives often can’t give the gift of grace and empathy to their husbands because of their own stories. These young women have been sexually abused (to varying degrees) and they have their own wounded sexuality. Without doing her own work of recovery and healing, she will not be able to offer empathy and acceptance because the husbands use of porn will always make him like “all the others who have harmed me.”

3. Having more sex can cause more harm.

This is a delicate topic as withholding sex can be harmful just as the use of porn is. Some errant advice given to wives of porn addicts is that they need to make themselves more available sexually and this will keep the husband from acting-out. This is (almost always) harmful advice because it invites the fantasy life of porn into the marriage bed.

Women do not need to be more sexual for their husband to keep him from fulfilling his needs elsewhere. This can be enabling an addiction. Most would not want an affair partner in their marriage bed with them, but this is exactly what the advice to “become more sexual for him” is doing. It’s bringing a fractured sense of intimacy into a sacred space meant to be shared only between husband and wife.

There needs to be hard work and conversations about the harm that porn has caused in a relationship before sex can be trusted as an expression of love and commitment. This does not mean that couples need to stop having sex altogether if porn is present, rather that the purposes of sex be talked about, perhaps with a professionals help, to establish healthy boundaries. Limitations with sex need never to be used as a form of punishment or control.

4. Porn use is cheating.

Though men are resistant in accepting this, porn use is an affair. It is taking the most trusted and vulnerable act that a couple can share together, and giving it to someone else. Yes, it’s a “one-way” relationship as the images provide no relational feedback, but it is still taking the sexual embrace outside of the marriage bed.

All affairs are a result of a breakdown of trust and intimacy. Affairs are a passive “screw you” stance to the spouse. Instead of working out the issues of the relationship in the context of the relationship, fulfillment of sexual needs are being done outside the context of the relationship.

It’ll be helpful in dealing with these issues to seek the guidance of a counselor or pastor. It’s not an easy topic to address, but it’s not impossible to heal from. Be patient, take your time, and work hard to find reconciliation.

(For some sobering statistics about porn, check out http://www.covenanteyes.com/pornstats/)

March 28, 2016

Nine Powerful Words for Preventing Relationship Wars

A couple recently asked me a question about fighting: “We’ve been together for almost 2 years and have not had a fight. What do you think about this?” My response was two-fold. First, what is your definition of a fight? Some of us think of a fight as yelling, screaming, throwing things, etc. A fight for others might be stonewalling, silent punishment, or ignoring the other person. The second part of my answer is that someone, most likely both of them, is lying. Maybe not overtly lying about something, but not fully telling the truth about where they’ve been hurt in the relationship. You can’t be in relationships for any extended period of time without hurting them, or without being hurt.

We can’t avoid hurting people, but we can prevent these hurts from turning into harms, and relationship wars. Want to know how to avoid war? Say these 9 words to the people that matter the most to you:

“I was wrong. How can I make this right?”

That’s it.

Don’t text it. Say it out loud. (As a side note, don’t text anything of substance — texting is too easy, impersonal, and non-vulnerable to say something important)

Don’t try to substitute those 9 words with the generic phrase: “I’m sorry” (which is usually not an apology, but a request for the offended party to be quiet. The word “sorry” means to be “sorrowful.” When we say “I’m sorry,” if it’s true, it needs to mean that “I am full of sorrow for my actions.”). Sorry is a watered down word that rarely means much in intimate relationships.

Don’t judge or shame the offended party’s hurt by telling them what you did wasn’t that big of a deal, or that they shouldn’t feel hurt.

Don’t defend your actions. Let me say that again with emphasis: DO NOT DEFEND. The moment you enter into a defense about why what you said/did wasn’t intended to hurt/be interpreted/etc, you begin the process of declaring war on the other party. The war becomes about figuring out who’s right, and who’s wrong. Defending is the quickest way to escalate a potentially peaceable situation into an all out battle.

Sometimes we people do things that are so hurtful, or harmful, that there isn’t anything we can do to make it right. Those are the situations that need patience, time, grace, and many many conversations. For example, an affair in a marriage cannot be made right in any short amount of time. But over an extended period of time, forgiveness can occur and then reconciliation happens. It is never the offender’s prerogative to dictate the amount of time forgiveness takes.

As with anything in life, if our intention (known or unknown) is control, manipulation, or self-protection, we can abuse the goodness of a phrase like “I was wrong, how can I make it right” and turn it into a way to get something we want.

Admitting you’re wrong is humbling, but it is endearing to the person your have wronged. Asking how you can, if possible, make right the wrong makes you an ally of the person you’ve hurt, not an enemy.

November 25, 2014

Thriving the Holidays

Raise your hand if you don’t feel some twinge of anxiety about the family dynamics during the holidays.

If you’re honest, you feel pretty conflicted about having your parents or siblings over for Thanksgiving dinner, much less visiting your childhood home. And you likely feel somewhat reluctant about going to your in-laws or some other place than what is normal.

Surviving the holiday season is all about eating more food, drinking more wine, and watching more football. Basically, if you want to just make it through the holidays without rocking the boat, spend as little time sober around your family as possible. And by sober, I don’t mean alcohol and food inebriation, rather I mean that you not engage with what you really think and feel. Alcohol and Food provide great buffers to numb out the pain that so many of our family situations trigger. Surviving is about just getting by, Thriving is about being present and not letting the old patterns and behaviors become the go-to actions.

Here’s some ideas on thriving this holiday season:

1. Don’t expect changes to have occurred in any of your family of origin relationships. This isn’t to say that you need to expect them to have not changed, but be available for surprise if that has happened. You’ll build resentments if you have unrealistic expectations.

2. Practice not saying all that you have to say. It’s easy to get triggered and have a flood of old emotions come sweeping in during time with family. Use caution about what you say, and who you say it to.

3. Plan your exit strategy ahead of time. Set boundaries for how much time you will spend, and where. Don’t let big decisions be made on the spot, make those proactively.

4. Be mindful of eating and drinking indulgently. There is always copious amounts of food and drink during holiday celebrations, and it’s easy to numb out to excessive caloric intake or alcohol.

5. Don’t completely deviate from your normal routine. Take some of your normal non-vacation habits with you. Bedtime, morning, mealtime, etc. The more familiar you are with what the day holds the healthier you will be able to respond to challenging situations.

Above all, be honest with yourself and those that are committed to truth and vulnerability. The holidays can provide some great contexts for healing, but that doesn’t mean that everyone has to be involved in that process.