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Fixing or Healing

When we talk about ourselves or others as being “broken,” we begin to treat them like an object to be fixed, not a Subject to be known.

We are people with stories and souls, not an object to be used. 

Objects are made to do things. A vase holds flowers. A dishwasher cleans dishes. Scissors are made to cut. Chairs don’t care how you use them. When an object breaks, we attempt to fix and get it back into the original working order. If we can’t fix it, we get rid of it.

When we apply this principle of “fixing” onto people’s lives (others or ourselves), we treat them like an object. Like there is something wrong with them until they are fixed and put back together. And if we can’t fix them? Discard.

You can’t fix a broken heart.

You can’t go back in time and undo what’s been done. 

You can’t discard the agony of death without severing part of yourself. 

These wounds we experience are often the birthplace of passion and purpose for our lives. Objects can’t heal, because they are not alive.

When wounds heal, the story is a beacon of hope for others. Just visit any cancer floor at a hospital or a 12-step support group, you’ll see this in living color. That which is painful is most universal. 

The great philosopher Tow Mater from the movie Cars said his dents were too valuable to get rid of because he got them from spending time with his best friend Lightning McQueen. “I don’t fix these. I wanna remember these dents forever.”

What dents in your life need healing?

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Narcissism

Creating an environment that is “us vs them” is fine for a sports team, but when that starts showing up in organizations and family systems, you are entering the category of narcissism in the leadership.

Evidence of this in organizations and families can be seen with those that have left the system. Are they welcome to stay in relationships with those that still remain? Are they shamed or shunned for leaving? Do they become the “them” that is now the competition/enemy?

Narcissists thrive by creating binds that keep people loyal to them. Threats (implicit or explicit) to the future success of those that leave, character assasination, and disparaging remarks about those that have left create emotional binds for those on the inside. The bind is this: Expose the unethical or immoral behavior and get a target painted on your back.

Leaving these leaders, systems, or cultures is anything but easy. To leave means that the employee or family member risks being ostracized, or living into the promised reality that the culture said would happen to those on the “outside.” “You won’t be able to make it on your own.” “We made you what you are.”

The really seductive narcissists will name and celebrate the good things about people in ways that they’ve never felt before. It feels so affirming and accepting. Unfortunately when one ceases to be any use for the narcissist, they are ignored which often leaves a massive emotional hole. To be known and celebrated like never before is now gone and in it’s place is as cold as the good feelings were warm.

Leaving a narcissistic culture or leader takes a lot of character, strength, and courage. It usually does not go well at first. Triggering the narcissists shame is what everyone is afraid of, so the culture continues to protect him/her from their shame. The culture will laugh at his jokes that are inappropriate, learn to rage at those that the narcissist hates, and will generally do anything to not be the object of the narcissists ire.

When someone leaves, it arouses and exposes the narcissists shame. A narcissist fundamentally cannot bear their shame, and thus they will typically go on the offensive to not feel “left, abandoned.” The one leaving will usually receive the brunt of the narcissist’s shame by way of projection. This is why it’s so important to leave with the help of friends, family (if they are not the narcissist), and an experienced guide.

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Autobiography In Five Short Chapters

By Portia Nelson

Chapter 1
I walk down the street.
There is a deep hole in the sidewalk.
I fall in.
I am lost … I am helpless.
It isn’t my fault.
It takes forever to find a way out.

Chapter 2
I walk down the same street.
There is a deep hole in the sidewalk.
I pretend I don’t see it.
I fall in again.
I can’t believe I am in the same place.
But it isn’t my fault.
It still takes a long time to get out.

Chapter 3
I walk down the same street.
There is a deep hole in the sidewalk.
I see it is there.
I still fall in … it’s a habit.
My eyes are open.
I know where I am.
It is my fault.
I get out immediately.

Chapter 4
I walk down the same street.
There is a deep hole in the sidewalk.
I walk around it.

Chapter 5
I walk down another street.

What chapter are you finding yourself in that difficult relationship? What is something you can do to move into a new chapter?

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Outbreaks, Part 2

A couple weeks ago I wrote about the importance of relationships regarding the two significant outbreaks that Nashville had faced in the recent weeks. Today with our country and world seemingly at a standstill with social distancing and quarantining, worry and anxiety are spreading much like the virus itself.

I’m noticing that many are having an increase of anxiety due to a lack of boundaries around their news consumption. Existentially, anxiety is about limitations and powerlessness. We cannot control what has happened, or what will happen. When we flood our being with information that we cannot do anything about, we either become apathetic or anxious. Neither of these lead to good things for us or for those we love and care about.

Before the quarantine, what most of us used to have was a set schedule and boundaries around work life and home life. With that gone, we have become unmoored from what governed our lives. We’ve lost the comforts that we relied on to keep us safe. This week, David Brooks wrote an Op-Ed piece in The NY Times about the virus’ impact on our society and that it’s a test for all of us. How will we respond?

As humans, we don’t exist (to our knowledge) outside of linear time. We’re bound to the gravity that holds us all stable on the ground. The same is true with time. We don’t know how long this will last. We don’t know what life will look like once it does pass (if it indeed does pass). We don’t exist in an alternate timeline, and thus we are left to face the truths that are in the present before us. What this virus is doing to us as individuals, and as a society, is revelatory about us, not about the virus.

Are you becoming apathetic, anxious, or something else? Be curious, what does your response say about you and what you might need to address about your limitedness?

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Quarantine as Sabbath

In the Lord of the Rings epic, JRR Tolkien brilliantly weaves in the practice of Sabbath in a number of ways. Often times this centers around food, the respite of a fire, and the sharing of stories together. Yet I think the clearest picture he presents of the Sabbath is Rivendell, the Elf homeland. It’s is a mythical place that Frodo and his friends had only heard distant stories about, and perhaps only ever dreamed that it existed.

The Fellowship of the Ring (a collection of Dwarfs, Men, Hobbits, and a Wizzard) was on the brink of exhaustion and death when they found a safe harbor in Rivendell. Upon their arrival, they rested, recovered, healed, ate, drank, and refilled their spirits. They had found peace. But Rivendell was never the destination of their journey. It was merely a place of rest to help them along in their journey. This time of rest gave them the opportunity to heal their wounds and regroup in order to continue towards their ultimate goal: Destroying the ring.

The quarantine we all find ourselves in might be our Rivendell, our Sabbath. The place we are visiting to encourage, rest, and rejuvenate us to return back to the work at hand.

The Sabbath is not a free-for-all cornucopia of delight and pleasures. It’s an intentional practice to celebrate that love wins. For 6 days, we work, sweat, and toil about in our lives … fighting off and pushing back death. On the 7th day, we are invited to rest and celebrate that death does not have the final say.

It’s easy to want normal back. What was normal was a known entity. We always do better with the known enemy as opposed to the unknown (sometimes, unnamed) enemy. We all have a common enemy in the virus and it’s effect on our society and lives. The rest, Sabbath, we are all participating in is centered around the virus. But what if the rest for us is bigger than that? Do you know what you need rest from, and for?

What if you need rest from how you were living your life before? Do you like who you were becoming? Do you know your purpose, why you are here on Earth? What is it that you hope to return to when, if, this is just a story we will tell our kids and grandkids?

As the late Mary Oliver so beautifully asked, “Tell me, what is it you plan to do with your one wild and precious life?”

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With Ourselves

The majority of us are having to grapple with our ourselves in a completely different way due to the virus outbreak. Our limitations are on full display as we all try to navigate these new realities of life without activities outside the home. A good friend of mine said it really well about the quarantine most of us are experiencing, “this is a front on battle with idols.”  

We don’t have live sports to distract us.
We are no longer able to vicariously live through our kids sports.
We’ve lost the water cooler conversations at work that use others’ stories to make us feel better about our own.
The shelves in the meat department are bare.
The bars are closed.
Some of us are alone in our houses, unable to share a meal with others.
Some have lost their jobs.
Others have lost lives.
There is only so much Netflix, YouTube, and social media we can consume to distract the reality that we are incredibly limited and fragile people.

While much of the above is waiting for our return back to normal after the virus has passed. The question for all of us today is: What will we do with ourselves in this passing of time? Blaise Pascal said it well: “All of humanity’s problems stem from man’s inability to sit quietly in a room alone.”

Will you press into what comes up for you when you sit quietly in a room?

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Outbreaks

Nashville has been hit pretty hard the last two weeks with an outbreak of tornadoes and now the coronavirus. This is not to suggest we’re special as a city, but these challenges have been pretty acute for a lot of people here. These two major events have illuminated how little control we humans have. We’re just not that important (despite our beliefs otherwise!).

Feeling out of control often leads to anxiety, and these intense feelings result in us grabbing onto anything that will help us to feel better, even if it’s only temporary relief. Unfortunately this often leads to more anxiety because what we grab onto isn’t all that solid. Things like social media feeds, stocking up on toilet paper and hand sanitizer, various op-ed pieces, and all the different versions of news the media outlets are selling (which seem to be increasingly agenda driven, not care driven).

A friend of mine, David, runs a really popular local weather twitter (highly recommend following the account) and website account that reports the weather with care, not agendas (more of this please!). Several months ago David asked me to write a blog post for his community about taking care of weather-related storm anxiety (you can read it here). As I was writing this article, the main theme that I kept coming back to was relationships. Relationships are what keep us grounded during tragic events.

We’re profoundly lonely, fragile, insecure, and limited people. When an outbreak like a virus or tornado strikes, it’s painfully obvious how little power we humans have. We often become lost in our reactions to these feelings of being out of control. And when we are left alone to deal with this powerlessness, it is emotionally debilitating.

As we move into this new reality of having to deal with outbreaks that painfully reveal our powerlessness (tornadoes, viruses, cancer amongst our friends or family), will you pay attention to what reactions you have? It is likely that your reactions are a plea for help, and that help won’t be found in your newsfeed or at the grocery store. The great news is that relationships are built on the foundation of a common goal. Today, that goal is obvious for all of us: A virus.

Help is found in the power of relationships; the comfort of feeling and knowing that you’re not alone in your fears. Perhaps this is time to find a support group, a Bible study at church, attend a 12-step group, call that counselor you’ve been meaning to call for a while, or call a friend that you know will pick up the phone and listen.

What help do you need today?

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Maturity

Maturity is the ability to resist acting out on behalf of what one feels.

One donut is amazing. Two probably isn’t as amazing, but I’m still probably going to have another one. I know from experience that three is not going to feel good in a few hours. And if I really don’t like myself, I’ll eat four or more. 

Just because something feels right, good, or enticing does not mean that it is right, good, or will deliver what is promised. Often what we desire has nothing to do with what is available right in front of us. That goes for food, sex, media; or things in relationship like a terse reply, name calling, or an explosion.

We become mature from failing. From being encouraged and called to something more than just a knee jerk response. We don’t mature alone. We need others influence and involvement in our lives.

What do you need to resist acting out on today?

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Control Freaks

We’re all control freaks. Not just the type-A personalities, but also the B’s, C’s, and Z’s of the world. 

No one likes to be out of control. Those that act as though they don’t care about being in control are just practicing an apathetic version of control. 

My barber laughed as she exclaimed, somewhat proudly, that she’s a control freak. “I love having a plan, and hate it when plans change.” The opposite side of this coin might be the person that never has a plan because they hate being boxed in to one specific track or idea. 

Regardless of the favor of control practiced, something that rarely gets asked is this: What exactly are you trying to control? 

What order (or disorder) are you trying to bring to your life? 

What outcome for your life would make your problems disappear? What new problems would appear? 

What room is there for others inside your controlled life?

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Narcissism

Narcissism is a word that is thrown around a lot, especially in attempts to describe certain world leaders currently in office. Despite how common of a term it is, it’s difficult to know, with certainty, that someone we are in a relationship with is a narcissist.

To a certain extent, we are all narcissistic in nature. We care about our image more than anyone else. We spend more time thinking about ourselves than anyone else. We automatically look for ourselves in a picture. We’re concerned with #1. But that’s not really a definition of narcissism.

Narcissists are charming, perhaps even seductive (not just sexually seductive). They bend the rules to their liking, and break the ones they think are stupid. They find others to do their dirty work, or to clean up the messes they have made. You know you’re in relationship with a narcissist when a vacuum is felt when they leave the room, or when there is a feeling of chaos that only abates when the “leader” is in the room speaking about said chaos. Relationally, they are like a black hole. They absorb all the energy and light around them, and it’s difficult for someone to escape.

Narcissists charm others by making them feel amazingly special, included, an insider, and a part of the group. But as soon as you’re a threat to leave, abandon them, or disrupt their control, they will turn on you. As special as you felt when you were on the inside, you will feel equally as hated and condemned when you are on the outside.

It’s difficult to leave narcissistic cultures, and people. It often takes a lot of guidance, help, and support to do so without getting harmed in the process. Unfortunately, many are married to, work for, follow, or have a parent that is a narcissist.

Don’t go it alone. Get help to find a safe way through the minefield.