{"id":739,"date":"2018-07-20T10:04:07","date_gmt":"2018-07-20T15:04:07","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/samuelrainey.com\/blog\/?p=739"},"modified":"2018-08-03T14:51:01","modified_gmt":"2018-08-03T19:51:01","slug":"making-peace-with-dmzs-in-marriage","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/samuelrainey.com\/blog\/2018\/07\/making-peace-with-dmzs-in-marriage\/","title":{"rendered":"Making Peace with DMZ’s in Marriage"},"content":{"rendered":"

\"4683729305_908150c508_z\"<\/a><\/p>\n

I\u2019m sure you\u2019ve seen it in a movie, or on the news. The scene is this: Some country breaks the demilitarized zone with an aircraft or a person. The other country interprets this as an act of war and promptly opens fire, destroying it before it has a chance to hurt them. You don\u2019t step foot into the DMZ unless you\u2019re wanting to die, or start an all-out war.<\/p>\n

Unfortunately, many marriages are setup like warring countries. There are tragedies, hurts, betrayals, and offenses that have gone unresolved. These stories become the DMZ between the couple. As one woman said in my office last week, \u201che had an affair 8 years ago, we never talked about it then, and we\u2019re not going to talk about it now.\u201d When a topic becomes off-limits, a DMZ is established.<\/p>\n

The bottom line is this: Marriages will not survive DMZ\u2019s.<\/strong> The moment a story is placed in the \u201coff limits\u201d category, knowingly or unknowingly, the couple has declared war on intimacy<\/a>, trust<\/a>, and forgiveness<\/a> \u2014 all components of thriving relationships. When a DMZ is established, the individual parties begin looking out for the best interest of themselves, and only look at the other person from a distance.<\/p>\n

So, how do countries stabilize war and DMZ\u2019s? I\u2019m not all that studied on international diplomacy, but I am with relationships. Ultimately it comes down to one goal: Peace. Enemies must make peace with one another for war to end. They do so by meeting in a neutral setting, being willing to make concessions, offer gifts, and accept a truce.<\/p>\n

Here\u2019s how you start this process in marriage.<\/p>\n

– Take your shoes off, I’m serious.<\/strong>\u00a0Ground yourself. The DMZ in your marriage is holy ground. It\u2019s where blood has been spilled, death has been seen, and hope has been lost. We bring silence and respect when entering a place of mourning. Taking your shoes off puts your feet in bare contact with the physical ground, and terrain. You\u2019re more sensitive to what you\u2019re walking on without your shoes.<\/p>\n

– Drop your weapons<\/strong>. You don\u2019t walk into a peace treaty meeting with a machine gun. What are the weapons you use in marriage? Contempt? Stonewalling? Name calling? “Calling it like you see it”? Avoidance? Manipulation? Control? Rage? Silence? Regardless of the weapon you love to brandish, leave it at the door. Tell your spouse what it is that you’re leaving behind.<\/p>\n

– Unfold your arms.<\/strong> Our body language tells others everything they need to know to make a judgement about how we\u2019re approaching the situation. This happens instantly, unconsciously. By crossing your arms or legs, you\u2019re signaling defensiveness and being closed off. Defensiveness will keep DMZ’s alive, not a way to make peace.<\/p>\n

–<\/strong> Listen twice, speak once.<\/strong> The reality is most of us do not listen<\/a> very well. We\u2019re generally more interested in forming our rebuttal than allowing the words, emotions, and energy to get to us. Before you respond with what you want to say, reflect back to the other person the actual words they spoke and ask if you heard everything correctly (ie- \u201cI heard you say you feel like I don\u2019t like you, and that I care more about work than I care about you, is that right?).<\/p>\n

– Slow down, breathe.<\/strong> Take deep breaths to slow down your heart rate. This decreases the chances of your fight or flight response from taking over. Relax your jaw, your fists, and breath. It may sound hokey, but slowing your heart rate will better allow you to view the other person as a friend, not a foe.<\/p>\n

– Listen to your senses.<\/strong> What do you smell, see, and feel (physically)? In fights or places of tension, we are generally being reactive to something from the past (see #4 – fight\/flight). Practicing awareness of our senses brings us into the present moment, and helps to bring clarity.<\/p>\n

– Practice offering gratitude.<\/strong> If you\u2019re not offering thanks to your spouse for their efforts to bring peace, peace will not come. Be wary of how entitlement cheats gratitude (\u201cshe should know better\u2026\u201d, or \u201cI shouldn\u2019t have to tell you this\u2026\u201d). If you can\u2019t find something to be thankful for, the issue is with you, not the other person.<\/p>\n

The saying is true: \u201cIt takes two to tango,\u201d but it only takes one person to change the way they are dancing to invite the other to do the same. I\u2019ve seen it dozens of times where one person has offered peace to an unwilling and defensive participant, and it changes the relationship. Don\u2019t wait for the other person to change first, they are likely waiting for the same thing.<\/p>\n

The above picture is “a\u00a0view from the Dora Observatory in Korea. The DMZ (and beyond it, North Korea) is visible through the haze. (photo via flickr user Ben Kucinski<\/a>)<\/em><\/span><\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

I\u2019m sure you\u2019ve seen it in a movie, or on the news. The scene is this: Some country breaks the demilitarized zone with an aircraft or a person. The other country interprets this as an act of war and promptly opens fire, destroying it before it has a chance to hurt them. You don\u2019t step […]<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":1,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"closed","ping_status":"closed","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"rop_custom_images_group":[],"rop_custom_messages_group":[],"rop_publish_now":"initial","rop_publish_now_accounts":[],"rop_publish_now_history":[],"rop_publish_now_status":"pending","_monsterinsights_skip_tracking":false,"_monsterinsights_sitenote_active":false,"_monsterinsights_sitenote_note":"","_monsterinsights_sitenote_category":0,"jetpack_post_was_ever_published":false,"_jetpack_newsletter_access":"","_jetpack_newsletter_tier_id":0,"footnotes":"","jetpack_publicize_message":"","jetpack_is_tweetstorm":false,"jetpack_publicize_feature_enabled":true,"jetpack_social_post_already_shared":true,"jetpack_social_options":{"image_generator_settings":{"template":"highway","enabled":false}}},"categories":[13,12],"tags":[36,84,29,24,33,60,27,25,50,54,21],"class_list":["post-739","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","hentry","category-communication","category-couples","tag-authenticity","tag-dmz","tag-intimacy","tag-journey","tag-life-and-death","tag-listening","tag-marriage","tag-shame","tag-suffering","tag-truth","tag-wisdom"],"jetpack_publicize_connections":[],"yoast_head":"\nMaking Peace with DMZ's in Marriage — Five Minute Sherpa<\/title>\n<meta name=\"description\" content=\"Many marriages are setup like warring countries. 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