{"id":600,"date":"2013-09-09T09:52:35","date_gmt":"2013-09-09T14:52:35","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/samuelrainey.com\/blog\/?p=600"},"modified":"2013-08-26T09:54:03","modified_gmt":"2013-08-26T14:54:03","slug":"withholding-judgment","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/samuelrainey.com\/blog\/2013\/09\/withholding-judgment\/","title":{"rendered":"Withholding Judgment"},"content":{"rendered":"

Early on in my career as a couples therapist, I saw countless couples who would come into my office, sit on my couch, and launch in to attacks against one another. These early days highlighted that I did not know what to do with a couple who was instantly and constantly judging each other. I read some books and found some resources that were quite helpful. These efforts culminated when I found another professional offering a class on an approach to help couples to practice relating to each other based on a non-judgmental stance. It was helpful for me as a professional, but also in my own marriage.<\/p>\n

There\u2019s rarely a worse experience in a relationship than to feel judged by someone we deeply care about. Judgements are those beliefs about another person that suggest they are only out for themselves. Our judgements show up in our need to label things or people as good\/bad, right\/wrong, and worthless\/worthwhile.<\/p>\n

However, there are some benefits of judgements in life. They allow us to make quick decisions by creating manageable categories for people or objects. Our preferences can often be explained by our judgements. When dealing with inanimate objects, judgements are a well developed tool. The problem with judgements is when they are directed towards people, especially those closest to us.<\/p>\n

Relationships cannot thrive when one or both parties are fluent in judging. When we judge, we are building our case against the other person and cease observing objectively. This posture often comes from our need to be safe. Because of this need, we will seek out threats and dangerous situations that are not safe. In close relationships, the other person can easily be seen as a threat because they are not as concerned with my safety as they are with their own.<\/p>\n

Approaching someone with a posture of compassion takes practice, intentionality, and a great degree of selflessness. This approach will also provide the greatest hope of providing intimacy, connection, and relational safety. It is also the scariest. Compassion first requires that we are aware of our own judgements.<\/p>\n

Once aware of a judgmental stance, ask yourself these questions:<\/p>\n