{"id":944,"date":"2019-09-17T15:44:52","date_gmt":"2019-09-17T20:44:52","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/samuelrainey.com\/blog\/?p=944"},"modified":"2019-12-19T15:07:04","modified_gmt":"2019-12-19T20:07:04","slug":"parenting-is-not-about-safety","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"http:\/\/samuelrainey.com\/blog\/2019\/09\/parenting-is-not-about-safety\/","title":{"rendered":"Parenting is Not About Safety"},"content":{"rendered":"\n

Ask any parent, and if they are honest, they will agree: Parenting is impossibly hard.<\/strong> As my 4 year old was running away from me one night, screaming at me as he ran, I realized why these relationships are so hard: My personal desire to be safe and comfortable is threatened by my kids.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

I\u2019ve invited and co-created these little humans into the world. I\u2019ve fed them, hugged them, disciplined them, and have done my best to love them. Ultimately, though, what I have given them is a part of me. They walk and run around this world with my heart draped over their shoulders…without any clue as to what they are carrying.<\/strong><\/p>\n\n\n\n

The reality of being unsafe with them comes alive in moments of panic. When my 9-month old is choking on something he\u2019s found under the dining room table, I become aware that his life contains a part of me that I\u2019ll never have back. If he goes away, so does his portion of my heart. It\u2019s why a child\u2019s scream of terror or pain makes me move with the speed of a superhuman. When my son falls off the the top bunk bed at night, I\u2019m in his room quicker than his tears. When they hurt, I hurt.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

My heart is with them, and that does not make me feel safe<\/strong>. They will do as they please. They have the same free-will as I do,  and I really don\u2019t like them for that. In fact, I often resent them for being human. Sometimes, I wish they were robots, doing as I say, playing nice, and behaving on behalf of what\u2019s right. I want them to be safe, so I can be safe.<\/strong><\/p>\n\n\n\n

But really, safety is just an illusion. Our cars have airbags, but at 75 mph on an interstate, compressed air isn\u2019t going to keep me safe. An airplane has seat belts, but that doesn\u2019t change the fact that I\u2019m in a rocket with wings going 500 miles per hour 30,000 feet above the ground. I lock my house at night, but a deadbolt is not going to keep a tornado at bay, nor the rising waters of a flood.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Much of life is building and creating supports that give us the illusion of feeling safe. Kids don\u2019t factor into that illusion.<\/strong> This realization is clearly understood by most parents. Kids are humans, and they\u2019re going to do what they think is best, or whatever pleases them. There\u2019s nothing I can do to really be in control of them. This reality coupled with the gift of my heart to them creates a mess. If I want to be safe, I must control them; if I am okay not being safe, I must find a way to cope with inevitable pain. This is a sobering truth for every parent.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

It\u2019s sobering, because I know that I often try to control them. I try to get them to stop smacking their food, stop eating pizza on the couch, and stop fighting as they brush their teeth. When I realize that I can\u2019t control them, I get jealous (Hey, if you can\u2019t beat \u2019em, join \u2019em, right?). I\u2019m jealous that they get to be the kids and I have to be the grown-up.<\/strong><\/p>\n\n\n\n

I think life as an adult is lived within the infamous 80-20 rule: Eighty percent is doing things we have to do, and 20 percent is doing things we want to do. That equation is the opposite for kids. To be an adult, we cannot play 80 percent of the time like our kids. And this is a big problem for most of us adults. We don\u2019t want to do the 80% work that life requires. We want easy, and 80% work is not easy<\/strong>. The result \u2026 numbed-out adults.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Kids aren\u2019t numb (depressed), rather they feel and express. Kids\u2019 expressiveness in life challenges adult depression and adult self-absorption. Adults want to go to sleep, figuratively, and when a kid wakes them, we adults feel a rage of being roused from the comfy sleepy world of depressed self-absorption. Getting angry at a kid for being curious, playful, and expressive is like getting mad at water for being wet, shapeless, and messy.<\/strong>This is why parenting is so hard: As a parent, I can\u2019t keep my kids from being kids and I can\u2019t always keep them safe, which means I will suffer and hurt when they do.<\/strong>  Our children invite us to see the world through untamed eyes. It\u2019s both wonderful and frightful. Parenting is about helping kids become adults tomorrow while holding onto the hope, wonder, curiosity, and awe they live with today.<\/strong><\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

Ask any parent, and if they are honest, they will agree: Parenting is impossibly hard. As my 4 year old was running away from me one night, screaming at me as he ran, I realized why these relationships are so hard: My personal desire to be safe and comfortable is threatened by my kids. I\u2019ve […]<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":1,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"closed","ping_status":"closed","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"rop_custom_images_group":[],"rop_custom_messages_group":[],"rop_publish_now":"initial","rop_publish_now_accounts":[],"rop_publish_now_history":[],"rop_publish_now_status":"pending","_monsterinsights_skip_tracking":false,"_monsterinsights_sitenote_active":false,"_monsterinsights_sitenote_note":"","_monsterinsights_sitenote_category":0,"jetpack_post_was_ever_published":false,"_jetpack_newsletter_access":"","_jetpack_newsletter_tier_id":0,"footnotes":"","jetpack_publicize_message":"","jetpack_is_tweetstorm":false,"jetpack_publicize_feature_enabled":true,"jetpack_social_post_already_shared":true,"jetpack_social_options":{"image_generator_settings":{"template":"highway","enabled":false}}},"categories":[1,11],"tags":[146,147,22,95,148,40,149,145],"class_list":["post-944","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","hentry","category-life_process","category-parenting","tag-adults","tag-impossible","tag-kids","tag-parenting","tag-rewards","tag-risk","tag-sacrifice","tag-safe"],"jetpack_publicize_connections":[],"yoast_head":"\nParenting is Not About Safety — Five Minute Sherpa<\/title>\n<meta name=\"description\" content=\"Getting angry at kids for being curious, playful, and expressive is like getting mad at water for being wet, shapeless, and messy. 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