{"id":755,"date":"2016-03-28T12:32:43","date_gmt":"2016-03-28T17:32:43","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/samuelrainey.com\/blog\/?p=755"},"modified":"2016-03-28T12:32:43","modified_gmt":"2016-03-28T17:32:43","slug":"nine-powerful-words-for-preventing-relationship-wars","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"http:\/\/samuelrainey.com\/blog\/2016\/03\/nine-powerful-words-for-preventing-relationship-wars\/","title":{"rendered":"Nine Powerful Words for Preventing Relationship Wars"},"content":{"rendered":"

\"via<\/a><\/p>\n

A couple recently\u00a0asked me a question\u00a0about fighting: \u201cWe\u2019ve been together for almost 2 years and have not had a fight. What do you think about this?\u201d My response was two-fold. First, what is your definition of a fight? Some of us think of a fight as yelling, screaming, throwing things, etc. A fight for others might be stonewalling, silent punishment, or ignoring the other person. The second part of my answer is that someone, most likely both of them, is lying. Maybe not overtly lying about something, but not fully telling the truth about where they’ve been hurt in the relationship. You can\u2019t be in relationships\u00a0for any extended period of time without hurting them, or without being hurt.<\/p>\n

We can\u2019t avoid hurting people, but we can prevent these hurts from turning into harms, and relationship wars. Want to know how to avoid war? Say these 9 words to the people that matter the most to you:<\/p>\n

“I was wrong. How can I make this right?”<\/p>\n

That\u2019s it.<\/p>\n

Don\u2019t text it. Say it out loud. (As a side note, don\u2019t text anything of substance \u2014 texting is too easy, impersonal, and non-vulnerable to say something important)<\/p>\n

Don\u2019t try to substitute those 9 words with the generic phrase: \u201cI\u2019m sorry\u201d (which is usually not an apology, but a request for the offended party to be quiet. The word \u201csorry\u201d means to be \u201csorrowful.\u201d When we say \u201cI\u2019m sorry,\u201d if it\u2019s true, it needs to mean that \u201cI am full of sorrow for my actions.\u201d). Sorry is a watered down word that rarely means much in intimate relationships.<\/p>\n

Don\u2019t judge or shame the offended party\u2019s hurt by telling them what you did wasn\u2019t that big of a deal, or that they shouldn\u2019t feel hurt.<\/p>\n

Don\u2019t defend your actions. Let me say that again with emphasis: DO NOT DEFEND. The moment you enter into a defense about why what you said\/did wasn\u2019t intended to hurt\/be interpreted\/etc, you begin the process of declaring war on the other party. The war becomes about figuring out who\u2019s right, and who\u2019s wrong. Defending is the quickest way to escalate a potentially peaceable situation into an all out battle.<\/p>\n

Sometimes we people do things that are so hurtful, or harmful, that there isn\u2019t anything we can do to make it right. Those are the situations that need patience, time, grace, and many many conversations. For example, an affair in a marriage cannot be made right in any short amount of time. But over an extended period of time, forgiveness can occur and then reconciliation happens. It is never the offender\u2019s prerogative to dictate the amount of time forgiveness takes.<\/p>\n

As with anything in life, if our intention (known or unknown) is control, manipulation, or self-protection, we can abuse the goodness of a phrase like \u201cI was wrong, how can I make it right\u201d and turn it into a way to get something we want.<\/p>\n

Admitting you\u2019re wrong is humbling, but it is endearing to the person your have wronged. Asking how you can, if possible, make right the wrong makes you an ally of the person you\u2019ve hurt, not an enemy.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

A couple recently\u00a0asked me a question\u00a0about fighting: \u201cWe\u2019ve been together for almost 2 years and have not had a fight. What do you think about this?\u201d My response was two-fold. First, what is your definition of a fight? Some of us think of a fight as yelling, screaming, throwing things, etc. A fight for others […]<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":1,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"closed","ping_status":"closed","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"rop_custom_images_group":[],"rop_custom_messages_group":[],"rop_publish_now":"initial","rop_publish_now_accounts":[],"rop_publish_now_history":[],"rop_publish_now_status":"pending","_monsterinsights_skip_tracking":false,"_monsterinsights_sitenote_active":false,"_monsterinsights_sitenote_note":"","_monsterinsights_sitenote_category":0,"jetpack_post_was_ever_published":false,"_jetpack_newsletter_access":"","_jetpack_newsletter_tier_id":0,"footnotes":"","jetpack_publicize_message":"","jetpack_is_tweetstorm":false,"jetpack_publicize_feature_enabled":true,"jetpack_social_post_already_shared":true,"jetpack_social_options":{"image_generator_settings":{"template":"highway","enabled":false}}},"categories":[13,12],"tags":[36,38,26,17,53,29,23,60,27,8,54],"class_list":["post-755","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","hentry","category-communication","category-couples","tag-authenticity","tag-boundaries","tag-conflict","tag-engage","tag-fear","tag-intimacy","tag-language","tag-listening","tag-marriage","tag-relationships","tag-truth"],"jetpack_publicize_connections":[],"yoast_head":"\nNine Powerful Words for Preventing Relationship Wars — Five Minute Sherpa<\/title>\n<meta name=\"robots\" content=\"index, follow, max-snippet:-1, max-image-preview:large, max-video-preview:-1\" \/>\n<link rel=\"canonical\" href=\"https:\/\/samuelrainey.com\/blog\/2016\/03\/nine-powerful-words-for-preventing-relationship-wars\/\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:locale\" content=\"en_US\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:type\" content=\"article\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:title\" content=\"Nine Powerful Words for Preventing Relationship Wars — Five Minute Sherpa\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:description\" content=\"A couple recently\u00a0asked me a question\u00a0about fighting: \u201cWe\u2019ve been together for almost 2 years and have not had a fight. 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