A few weeks ago a friend asked me for a favor. He needed help sorting through some technology issues with his phone and computer. My first career, and current hobby, was in technology so it came as no surprise that he\u2019d asked for my help. After I\u2019d finished the project with him, he said thank you and for the third time in that setting apologized for inconveniencing me. \u201cDon\u2019t be sorry, it was no trouble at all,\u201d was my response.<\/p>\n
I was a bit surprised by how quickly these words came out of my mouth.\u00a0One of my pet peeves is when people apologize for things that need no apology.\u00a0It wasn\u2019t true. I\u2019d taken time out of my day to help him with an issue that didn\u2019t concern me. The truth was, it was an inconvenience. But it was an inconvenience that I was willing to give because I care about my friend. I wanted to serve him and our friendship.<\/p>\n
After realizing this wasn\u2019t the truth, which wasn\u2019t more than a couple of seconds later, I corrected myself.<\/p>\n
\u201cActually,\u201d I said, \u201cit was an inconvenience.\u201d I paused to let those words linger for a moment and continued. \u201cSaying otherwise isn\u2019t truth, nor is it honoring to you and our friendship for me to pretend it wasn\u2019t a big deal. Me giving you some of me, my time and energy, is one way I\u2019m able to show you that I value our friendship.\u201d<\/p>\n
This led to a different conversation about self-worth, value, and why it\u2019s difficult to accept love\/care from others. It was a conversation that never would have occurred had we both remained nice towards each other.<\/p>\n
Our conversation highlights a challenge in relationships: telling the truth about the minor things in life is hard. \u201cIt\u2019s no big deal\u2026\u201d is such a simple, polite, and well meaning statement that all of us have made to another person. Too often saying something isn\u2019t a big deal sabotages giving the gift of love and acceptance.<\/p>\n
Telling someone \u201cyou\u2019re not bothering me,\u201d or \u201cIt\u2019s no trouble at all\u201d communicates that the request they are making is easy for you to accomplish. Spoken in regards to a task or to-do list, perhaps \u201cno trouble at all\u201d has some truth to it (especially if the request of you is something you\u2019re gifted at doing). The limitation of this statement is that we deny showing the other person their importance in our lives.<\/p>\n
We\u2019re selfish people by nature. We want what we want, when we want it. As we mature, it takes discipline and proaction to act contrary to this natural tendency. So when someone asks something of us, we have to sacrifice our selfish desires for the benefit of the other\u2014this is love. It may be minor in the sacrifice, such as helping a friend with a technology problem, but it is still a sacrifice. In order for trust and relationships to grow, we need to know that someone is willing to sacrifice themselves on our behalf. Without this understanding and experience, and we\u2019re left to wonder if the other really sacrifices anything for us.<\/p>\n
Letting someone know that we\u2019re willingly choosing to sacrifice, be inconvenienced, and not passively hold it over their heads deepens relational intimacy. Little things piled together makes a big thing. Be proactive in your relationship to intentionally build a big thing of trust by making mention of the little things.<\/p>\n