{"id":461,"date":"2012-12-17T11:17:44","date_gmt":"2012-12-17T16:17:44","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/samuelrainey.com\/blog\/?p=461"},"modified":"2012-12-13T17:23:19","modified_gmt":"2012-12-13T22:23:19","slug":"fear-of-losing-her","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"http:\/\/samuelrainey.com\/blog\/2012\/12\/fear-of-losing-her\/","title":{"rendered":"Fear of Losing Her"},"content":{"rendered":"

I\u2019m afraid I\u2019ll lose him or her\u00a0<\/em>can be one of the most powerful motivators in a relationship. There are many stories that shape the foundation of this fear, but regardless of it\u2019s origin, the way you behave out of this fear will either result in bondage or freedom. If we\u2019re honest, we all have fears about doing or not doing something that will bring an end to an important relationship. This fear may not be consciously present for both partners, but it\u2019s in there.<\/p>\n

There are two ways we typically react to this fear<\/strong>:<\/p>\n

    \n
  1. Grab on tightly and not let go (a natural and normal reaction)<\/li>\n
  2. Hold with open arms and allow the other the freedom to choose (a more nuanced reaction).<\/li>\n<\/ol>\n

    Obviously the latter is more difficult, but it\u2019s a promise we all hope to give and be given upon getting married. This is the reality of accepting that love is a choice.<\/p>\n

    In the infancy of a relationship, it\u2019s impossible for couples to not behave and interact as though devastation is but a whisper away. Couples will spend countless hours together, spending energy they\u2019d normally reserve for work and other relationships, and will be quite infatuated with each other. It\u2019s the picture of the animals coming out in the spring in the movie, Bambi. Everyone is twitterpated, and nothing else matters. This infancy can last days, weeks or years and is the beginning grounds of every relationship.<\/p>\n

    If one person tries to break free (mature) from the immaturity of the relationship, it forces the other person to either increase their efforts at containing the relationship or to follow the others\u2019 lead. Thus begins the dance of \u201cI\u2019m afraid I\u2019ll lose the other person.\u201d<\/p>\n

    When we\u2019re afraid of losing someone close, our natural tendency is to hold on tighter so as to guarantee the person never gets away. Said another way, finding something of immeasurable value is rare and it\u2019s easy to want to horde so as to never experience the loss.\u00a0God has hardwired us for relationships, and this is the dilemma that faces marriage:<\/p>\n

    \u00a0How do I ensure I\u2019ll never lose him\/her?<\/em><\/p>\n

    The unfortunate answer is that we can never ensure our own safety, or closeness to another person<\/strong>. Because of this, our humanness takes charge and we squeeze tight, so we don\u2019t experience loss.\u00a0One of the quickest ways to erode trust with your spouse is to risk them feeling controlled. If this word pops up in your conversations, wisely heed the warning and address it.<\/p>\n

    The balloon analogy
    \n<\/strong>What\u2019s not understood in this dilemma is that when we squeeze something, we generally expel the air that resides inside; much like a balloon. Balloons are designed to hold air. When you commit your life to your spouse, you commit to caring for him\/her the way you\u2019d care for a balloon. Sometimes they\u2019ll need you to put some air in them, sometimes they\u2019ll need a string so they can fly in the wind but not get lost, and sometimes they\u2019ll need to be left alone to dance on the floor to how the air moves them. If I\u2019m afraid of losing my balloon, I might squeeze it so hard that all the air is expelled from the other person. \u201cShe\u2019s safer in my pocket, than out on her own,\u201d might be a phrase associated with this act or belief.<\/p>\n

    This dynamic plays an important part for the early stages of intimate relationships. This \u201cholding on tightly\u201d is usually given and received as a token of the pure love that couples have for one another.\u00a0This can be experienced as love early on in a relationship, but as the individuals (and marriage) grows, so too does the need for a more matured expression of love.<\/p>\n

    Love takes energy and selfless behavior<\/strong>\u00a0to care, respect, actively listen, attend, and honor our spouse. On the other hand, fear silences, manipulates, controls, and worries. Marriage is the choice to engage in spite of our fear. I liken it to the challenge of being given a rare flower that needs care, but room to breath and grow. Smother it, and it will slowly die; tend to it and it will thrive.<\/p>\n

    If we let the fear of loss control our actions and interactions with our spouse, it will result in a failure of love.\u00a0Love is not static<\/em>. It\u2019s a dynamic process of growth both for the other and for ourselves.<\/p>\n

     <\/p>\n

    (originally published at Start Marriage Right<\/span><\/a>)<\/em><\/span><\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

    I\u2019m afraid I\u2019ll lose him or her\u00a0can be one of the most powerful motivators in a relationship. There are many stories that shape the foundation of this fear, but regardless of it\u2019s origin, the way you behave out of this fear will either result in bondage or freedom. If we\u2019re honest, we all have fears […]<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":1,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"rop_custom_images_group":[],"rop_custom_messages_group":[],"rop_publish_now":"initial","rop_publish_now_accounts":[],"rop_publish_now_history":[],"rop_publish_now_status":"pending","_monsterinsights_skip_tracking":false,"_monsterinsights_sitenote_active":false,"_monsterinsights_sitenote_note":"","_monsterinsights_sitenote_category":0,"jetpack_post_was_ever_published":false,"_jetpack_newsletter_access":"","_jetpack_newsletter_tier_id":0,"footnotes":"","jetpack_publicize_message":"","jetpack_is_tweetstorm":false,"jetpack_publicize_feature_enabled":true,"jetpack_social_post_already_shared":false,"jetpack_social_options":{"image_generator_settings":{"template":"highway","enabled":false}}},"categories":[13,12],"tags":[53,27,8,48],"class_list":["post-461","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","hentry","category-communication","category-couples","tag-fear","tag-marriage","tag-relationships","tag-smr"],"jetpack_publicize_connections":[],"yoast_head":"\nFear of Losing Her — Five Minute Sherpa<\/title>\n<meta name=\"robots\" content=\"index, follow, max-snippet:-1, max-image-preview:large, max-video-preview:-1\" \/>\n<link rel=\"canonical\" href=\"http:\/\/samuelrainey.com\/blog\/2012\/12\/fear-of-losing-her\/\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:locale\" content=\"en_US\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:type\" content=\"article\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:title\" content=\"Fear of Losing Her — Five Minute Sherpa\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:description\" content=\"I\u2019m afraid I\u2019ll lose him or her\u00a0can be one of the most powerful motivators in a relationship. 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