Our style of parenting has a lot to do with our story of how we were or were not parented. How we were parented created an \u201cattachment style\u201d in us. These attachment styles were first developed by John Bowlby almost a century ago. His work is a guiding principle in my work as a therapist and how I engage others in their story. <\/p>\n\n\n\n
How we relate and attach to others (namely our kids) has a lot to do with our attachment style, of which there are four. They are: Secure; Avoidant; Anxious; and Anxious-Avoidant (Disorganized).<\/p>\n\n\n\n
Avoidant<\/strong>. They have a high drive for independence. They are often self-referencing (the need to have space apart from others to find and know what they think and feel). There is little trust in others, and they don\u2019t have a strong need to be close to others. Their relationships generally provide the stress, not the comfort. “It\u2019s not ok, and I\u2019m only ok on my own.\u201d Fears relational consumption.\u00a0<\/p>\n\n\n\n Anxious.\u00a0<\/strong>There is a high degree of dependency on others. They have a difficulty being on their own a part from important relationships (or, sometimes, any relationship). They are others referencing and trusting, with very little trust in self, high need for others. They themselves generally provide the stress, and they need their relationship to feel comforted. “It\u2019s not ok, and I\u2019m only ok when I\u2019m with you\/others.\u201d Fears relational abandonment.<\/p>\n\n\n\n Anxious-Avoidant<\/strong>. This is the style that often feels chaotic to the self, and to others. It\u2019s marked by a \u201cdisorganized self\u201d that fluctuates often. They have a difficulty connecting with others for long periods of time. “I\u2019m not ok, we\u2019re not ok, and I don\u2019t really know what is ok.\u201d Fears relational consumption and abandonment.\u00a0<\/p>\n\n\n\n Secure<\/strong>. These people are interdependent. They understand at an emotional level that they need others, but that they also are ok if others are not available. They have a high degree of autonomy. The \u201cself\u201d is defined and organized regardless if they are alone or with others. “It\u2019s not ok, and I\u2019m ok.\u201d Fears abandoning or consuming others.\u00a0<\/p>\n\n\n\n Most of us primarily fall into the first two categories and because we\u2019re not static human beings, we often have a mixture of all of these styles. Some relationships will trigger a different style in us, which can sometimes feel really confusing. These are fantastic categories to help you understand yourself better, but also very helpful to know what\u2019s behind the curtain in terms of how you interact with your children.\u00a0The more we understand ourselves, the less we will need our kids to take care of us. <\/p>\n\n\n\n The styles of parenting draw a parallel line to the attachment styles I wrote about above. The four parenting styles are: Withdrawn; Hyperactive; Confused; and Comfortable.<\/p>\n\n\n\n Withdrawn<\/strong>\u00a0(Avoidant)<\/p>\n\n\n\n Hyperactive<\/strong> (Anxious)<\/p>\n\n\n\n Confused<\/strong> (Anxious-Avoidant)<\/p>\n\n\n\n Comfortable <\/strong>(Secure)<\/p>\n\n\n\n Like I mentioned earlier, we all have components from all four styles, but we tend to act out of a single style. You might have different answer to this question than your spouse. That’s ok, discuss and learn what they see differently than you do.<\/p>\n\n\n\n Based on these descriptions, what parenting style best fits you? What parenting style best fits your spouse? <\/p>\n\n\n\n Dad\u2019s primary style: ________________________ Take 5 minutes and discuss these styles, what\u2019s coming up for you about this, and where you\u2019d like to improve.<\/p>\n\n\n\n On Monday in the series, I will share an assessment tool for your kids to help you uniquely parent each one of them individually. Most of parenting is learning how to get out of your own way, this will be a tool that will help you do this. <\/p>\n\n\n\nParenting Styles<\/strong><\/h2>\n\n\n\n
Dad\u2019s secondary style: ________________________
Mom’s primary style: ________________________
Mom’s secondary style: ________________________<\/p>\n\n\n\n