{"id":1126,"date":"2019-12-04T04:33:00","date_gmt":"2019-12-04T09:33:00","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/samuelrainey.com\/blog\/?p=1126"},"modified":"2019-12-02T16:37:34","modified_gmt":"2019-12-02T21:37:34","slug":"the-fifteen-minute-date","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"http:\/\/samuelrainey.com\/blog\/2019\/12\/the-fifteen-minute-date\/","title":{"rendered":"The Fifteen Minute Date"},"content":{"rendered":"\n<p><a href=\"http:\/\/samuelrainey.com\/blog\/?p=1123\" target=\"_blank\" rel=\"noreferrer noopener\" aria-label=\"Yesterday (opens in a new tab)\">Yesterday<\/a> I wrote about why couples need to keep dating after they marry. Sometimes it&#8217;s been so long since a couple has had a meaningful conversation, they&#8217;ve forgotten how to do so. <br><br>When I say\u00a0\u201cforgotten\u201d I don\u2019t mean that they (or you, if this describes your relationship) don\u2019t know how to talk together. It\u2019s that they don\u2019t have the memory together of a conversation going well. Perhaps conversations lead to the fights, and\u00a0thus they avoid talking to keep from fighting.\u00a0<br><br>Regardless of the need, The 15-minute date is a great solution to kick-start a quiet relationship, guide a difficult conflict, or promote healthy boundaries in conversation.<br><br>This short-and-sweet fifteen minutes is structured so that both husband and wife get a chance to talk and listen. (The biggest problem in most marriages is not about communicating, it\u2019s about <a href=\"http:\/\/samuelrainey.com\/blog\/2013\/03\/3-components-of-a-good-listener\/\" target=\"_blank\" rel=\"noreferrer noopener\" aria-label=\"listening (opens in a new tab)\">listening<\/a>). Both need to talk, and both need to <a href=\"http:\/\/samuelrainey.com\/blog\/2018\/08\/woodworking-and-listening\/\" target=\"_blank\" rel=\"noreferrer noopener\" aria-label=\"listen (opens in a new tab)\">listen<\/a>.\u00a0<br><br>So here\u2019s how the date works. It\u2019s broken up into three 5-minute segments:\u00a0<\/p>\n\n\n\n<ul class=\"wp-block-list\"><li>Speaking<\/li><li>Reflecting<\/li><li>Responding<\/li><\/ul>\n\n\n\n<p><\/p>\n\n\n\n<p><strong>SPEAKING<\/strong><br>The person who asks for the date get\u2019s to speak first. They get the floor to speak about whatever they need to for 5 minutes. Set a timer and hold to the boundary of this time. The\u00a0listener is to listen\u00a0only, no talking.\u00a0<br><br><strong>REFLECTING<\/strong><br>At the end of the 5 minutes, restart the clock and the listener is allowed to ask follow up questions, and reflect back what they heard (not the interpretation) the speaker say.\u00a0This is space is still about the speaker, and their needs.<br><br><strong>RESPONDING<\/strong><br>For the final 5 minutes, the listener gets a chance to respond to what has been said, what has not been said, and to offer any feedback or conciliatory ideas to the original speaker. <\/p>\n\n\n\n<p>At the end of the fifteen minutes, stop the dialogue and let it rest. Take at least 15 minutes to let what has been said and what has been heard to metabolize. If you\u2019re in a good place to revisit the topic, ask to see if the other is open to\u00a0revisiting.\u00a0<br><br><strong>Guidelines for the date:\u00a0<\/strong><\/p>\n\n\n\n<ul class=\"wp-block-list\"><li>The best time and place for this date is when distractions are at a minimum.\u00a0<\/li><li>No screens, kids, books, or music.\u00a0<\/li><li>Try to do it in a private setting.\u00a0<\/li><li>Use caution if either is Hungry, Angry, Lonely, Tired (Acronym for HALT).<\/li><li>Start with something positive about the other person, or the relationship.\u00a0<\/li><li>Seek to end the date with peace and kindness.<\/li><\/ul>\n\n\n\n<p>_________________________________<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"<p>Yesterday I wrote about why couples need to keep dating after they marry. Sometimes it&#8217;s been so long since a couple has had a meaningful conversation, they&#8217;ve forgotten how to do so. When I say\u00a0\u201cforgotten\u201d I don\u2019t mean that they (or you, if this describes your relationship) don\u2019t know how to talk together. It\u2019s that [&hellip;]<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":1,"featured_media":823,"comment_status":"closed","ping_status":"closed","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"rop_custom_images_group":[],"rop_custom_messages_group":[],"rop_publish_now":"initial","rop_publish_now_accounts":[],"rop_publish_now_history":[],"rop_publish_now_status":"pending","_monsterinsights_skip_tracking":false,"_monsterinsights_sitenote_active":false,"_monsterinsights_sitenote_note":"","_monsterinsights_sitenote_category":0,"jetpack_post_was_ever_published":false,"_jetpack_newsletter_access":"","_jetpack_newsletter_tier_id":0,"footnotes":"","jetpack_publicize_message":"","jetpack_is_tweetstorm":false,"jetpack_publicize_feature_enabled":true,"jetpack_social_post_already_shared":true,"jetpack_social_options":{"image_generator_settings":{"template":"highway","enabled":false}}},"categories":[13,12],"tags":[93,240,213,220,244],"class_list":["post-1126","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","has-post-thumbnail","hentry","category-communication","category-couples","tag-communication","tag-date","tag-date-night","tag-experience","tag-talking"],"jetpack_publicize_connections":[],"yoast_head":"<!-- This site is optimized with the Yoast SEO plugin v21.7 - https:\/\/yoast.com\/wordpress\/plugins\/seo\/ -->\n<title>The Fifteen Minute Date &#8212; 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